Anthems for a Twenty Eight Year Old Girl

Tonight, I felt the endless pull to get in my car and just drive. Life had been uniquely wonderful lately, and I wanted to have a moment with myself. I plugged in my IPOD, placed it on shuffle and began to drive.

The night was perfectly clear, I felt like I was the only car on the road. I was deep in thought. My mind was going it's various forms of obsessive compulsive anxiety, cataloging the good and the bad of my day, my normal nightly routine. I paused at the light turned red, and told myself...I can't.

What's the point of this? Earlier in the day, I was just speaking of about living in the present moment with full awareness.

 So, I focused my hands on the wheel and starred with anticipation at the red light. I instantly, heard the repetitive clap and guitar strum of a song I knew all to well. And while I desperately tried to focus on the present moment, I know it was Her reminding me to do so. It was her little way of telling me, "you are here now". It was her way of being a little more grown up than me like she always had been. She always made me feel grounded, she always had a fresh perspective and tenacity for life. As the light turned green, I smiled. I focused on the words, the message in the song. I had put this song on a mix I made for all of her friends in her memory, and I couldn't believe as I now listened to the lyrics...that it was every bit her...

Call of forgivenessI'm like the beat of the hurtI'm not the only oneYou tried to save when you fell out

Call of forgivenessI'm like the clean in the dirtI'm not the only oneYou tried to crave when you fell out

Try, waitYou made your life on everythingHard, madeYou made your life on everything

Try, waitYou made your life on everythingLong, fadeYou made your life on everything

Call of forgivenessI'm like the heal of the hurtI'm like the only oneYou tried to save when you fell out

Call of forgivenessI'm like the queen of the dirtI'm like the only oneWho tried to stay when you fell out

It's like the common lawWas wall to wall and almost fadedI've seen the gone to smallThe lost of law, the almost made itIt seems like mine to shineYou'll always find the lonely ray

It's like the wall to fall, the fall of allThe laws are gradedI've seen the lies that callThe pictures tall, the lines are made inIt's like the fight to crawlMy darling, all you've lived your age

I know it's all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, the all to all the ultimatum

I know it's all to all, all to all ultimatumJust like the all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, the all to all the ultimatum

You made your life on everythingYou made your life on everything

I knew she was sending me a message, and I was so thankful that she was still communicating with me. Losing her light, was scary at first, but after she left I realized that she had a light that would never go out. I remember the promises I had made when she left us, and I gripped the steering wheel tighter as my eyes began to well up. As I drove I was making my own "call of forgiveness" as I continued to play the song on repeat. I need to live this moment, I needed to become more aware. I had promises that I intended to keep, to always live my best life, and to live with the same fire and youth that Dani always did.

My darling Dani, you made your life on everything. I love when you come to me, when I need you most.

I continued my night drive ritual, and lived the moment. I remembered my sweet angel, who lit up my life....thank you for always being a beacon...shine bright xo

Dream on Little Dreamer

There had been a point a few months ago, where I could not see my future in front of me. My dreams seemed so far out of my reach. It became apparent to me that I wasn't on the path of my dreams, and at that point I had to find a way to make a change. I continually make improvements on my life, if it's not going the way I want it to...I address the challenge and seize it. This challenge seemed different. I had been placed into a position and a place where I never felt like I fit. It wasn't that I was not capable of the task at hand, I just wasn't in LOVE with doing it.

After making this observation, I had to ask myself. What makes me come alive? What do I LOVE doing? I had always known, it was no question. I have pursuing the same dream for the last 9 years, and I had taken any possible career advancement that I thought would make me a better candidate for this position.

At first, I felt discouraged...I felt like I had possibly wasted a lot of time on the wrong path.

I had been listening to a lot of podcasts, from churches all over the US. And the same message from God kept coming to me. I had never before been able to truly release my heart and my bondage to Him.  He asked me to give all of my worries to Him, and for the first time ever...I did. I was restored with strength, with favor, with the power of His will. I put all my power in His word, and began to pray more than I ever had in my life. I asked Him to show me, I asked Him to give me grace in these tough times. I kept hearing the message that He had big plans for me, and I needed to trust Him.

So, I put all my trust in His plan for my life.

What I've realized in the last few months is this...all these mis-steps have prepared me to be the "best" candidate. God never makes mistakes in our life, He's always doing work in our lives. He restored my vision, and I finally saw myself as the person I had dreamt of. Through prayer I realized, that I had to believe that I could be who ever I wanted to become, because He put that dream and vision in my heart. I put my vision in front of me, and I'm pursuing it to the ends of the earth...

I had only dreamt that my dreams were with in my reach, and now they're right in front of me...

FOLLOW YOUR BLISS

we hold these truths to be self evident

"That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Life: Live the one you have dreamt of, pursue it to the ends of the earth, be who you want to become until you become that person, and then become a better version of her, BELIEVE that you are destined for great things, that there is an undeniable grander plan for your life....hunt it, capture it, become IT. 

Liberty: you have the power to be YOU, and if you don't know who YOU are...then stop at nothing until you discover your identity. Be free, free as a bird...

Pursuit of Happiness: The undeniable "American Dream". Following our every dream. Living our our every dream, freely as we have dreamt it. 

So what is your dream? Who will you become...what liberties will you take to live it?

Practical Magic

“There are some things, after all, that Sally Owens knows for certain: Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.” 

― Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic

Somewhere in my middle school years I saw Practical Magic for the first time. At that age, I was obsessed with the possibility of witchcraft. Could it be real? Could I have magical powers...maybe if I just practiced. Focused on developing my birth right....

The next time I saw the same movie, I was in my early twenties...and for me the premise of the story had changed. As I grew older, I learned that magic was the joy that you created in your own life, and "miracles" were possible if you worked hard to achieve them. The story of Practical Magic, developed differently this time in my mind, it became about the bond of sisterhood, the faith in love, and the strength of your spirit that can only be built by your family. YOU-- ultimately--defined your character as your grew older, but the core of your being, was always the inner child developed by your family. 

We all grow feeling some kind of angst towards our family--siblings, Mom, and Dad.
(If you didn't, congratulations. I did.)
In my early adult years, I was determined to shed everything my family had taught me. I would NOT be shackled to their conservative views on the world.
I would be different, I would join the 'voice' of the people.
I was determined to prove them wrong...

I'm not sure why we rebel--scratch that--i'm not sure who I was fighting my family or me. 

Fast forward the rebellion to 28, and it all comes down to practical magic. My family, as hard as I have fought them, have defined me. They have taught me all the practical magic I need to live my best life. I guess my birthright wasn't love spells, flying, or turning my enemies into frogs. (Can't I at least spin a pencil in circle just by staring at it, come on!!)

Love, faith, and family are the only spells you need to experience your own practical magic.

 "Always say please and thank you. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Be who you want to become. Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else. BE YOU. Be kind to everyone. Love has no limits."

Todd&Kathleen Hodgins

We were standing...Forsythe/Bowery

Feet on the ground. Connected to every step that I take, feeling grounded--secure.
Knowing that the best is yet to come.
Never looking back.
Overwhelmed with this childhood blindness, that keeps me going. Keeps me smiling.
I don't have to TRY to forget the past, because I live constantly in the now.
The faded memories, are like a photograph that you can no longer make out the images.
Who I am now, is everything I have wanted to become.

No fear.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saves a wretch like me...

Today, I remembered the blessings that the Lord has given me. I have lifted my prayers up to him on countless occasions, and he has never turned me away. God has a way of showing us a path, when we don't even know we need it. He is always challenging us, to be a more perfect version of ourselves...and we too are constantly challenged to be more like Him. My heart is softened by the love that He has shown me, and the He has shone on my life.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by people in my life who support me for the person I am...not the person I was, or who they want me to be...but the person my Father created and who stands here...completely imperfect. As we get older , we realize that these people become fewer and fewer. It really is quality over quantity. I am grateful, and astounded daily by the grace and the love that is bestowed upon me from my friends....

There is a light in our heart that never goes out, we can try to dim His light...but He always has a way of turning it back up.

"I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see..."


You're AMAZING

but...i said THANK YOU!

Today, I am thankful.
These are the things I am thankful for...

• This beautiful place that I found myself back in. PORTLAND, OREGON. Thankful for the route that helped me get here. It was filled with mistakes, and I'll probably continue to make some of them. I'm only human, not perfect.
•  My big heart. It's loved and been loved back..and in the times where the hurt felt like it would never end...it felt again. I am so aware of it's power. It's desire to love infinitely. 
• My FAMILY...those people who love me no matter what
• This insatiable sweet tooth I've acquired. CANDY...you can run, but you can't hide from me.
• Local Natives-Hummingbird
• Creativity