He is our strength..

Ashlie

Lord i pray that you would provide for kelliana..for her health..her work situation..i pray everything would go smoothly.i pray that you would be with her holy spirit, and that you would give her the peace that surpasses all understanding

i pray she trust in you for your plan is unfailing

make a way for her and guide her path

i pray that she would learn and be strengthened by whatever you put in her path

you allow trials for us to learn, to persevere, to grow us, and to build character

i pray against anything not of you Jesus

in your name Lord.

 

I’ve got some good friends here in the great salt lake..

Dear Salt Lake City, the power’s that be, the man upstairs, and anyone else who cares to listen,

If all these event’s are my karmatic penance for any turmoil in the universe that I have caused, I’m sorry.

I would like to retract any bad doings I have done, and apologize in hopes that you will cut me a break, or throw me a freaking bone.

I am fully aware that today’s series of unfortunate events is really MY fault for not being proactive in the last few years as far as my health goes, BUT really…RIGHT NOW?

So yes, I take the responsibility, and YES I know this is my consequence. At this point though, I am just wondering what else could possibly fall apart at my fingertips? It seems that everything I do touch…breaks…anything I love…falls apart, or forgets about me…

In conclusion…moving here was a mistake. I should have turned around when I had a chance..

twice, i turned my back on you.

I really wonder, why we are always so distrusting of people we call our friends. We are willing to solicit information to perfect strangers, aka via the world wide web, but we may not be willing to share a word with a close friend.
Often I feel like, I couldn't tell a soul how I really am feeling with out them freaking out, and coming to the round about conclusion that I am after all...CRAZY.
More and more I am realizing I am not crazy at all, just another body in this sea of emotion, feeling every end of the spectrum that this emotional gauge can offer.
So bring this shit on...
I wouldn't trade anyone of the feelings I have felt in the last 6 months.
They are real, concrete. They come with meaning, with merit...with worth.
And so do i..

"You deserve to be happy, you really are a great person. You just need to see it."

I feel like every lyricist, or writer writes about the time when someone finally validated them. Told them exactly what they had been dying for that person to tell them. Maybe it happened in an instant, but it seems like it is usually years down the line when we finally realize how much we appreciate someone. It usually comes unexpected, when we have completely forgotten about the impact the individual had on our lives. When we have finally moved on from that particular part of our lives.
As per the advice of someone who's opinion I have valued for years, I am gonna live in the light. Let my guard down, let life happen. Stop putting everything on hold, in hopes that the pause might create some kind of clarity. I deserve to be happy, I truly am great.
I think once we distance ourselves enough from heartbreak and turmoil. The pain seems to diminish. If we focus on the moments, we realize that life truly is great and we really can be happy.
Thanks PJ...I think I am seeing from your perspective..

Something to hold on to..

I feel so grateful to have met the people I have met here in SLC.
I feel so fortunate to say, that I truly have a strong network of friends, I know would be there for me...thick or thin.
It's easy to get caught up and the day to day, and forget how lucky you are.
I am trying to just live in this very moment. It really feels so good to be here.
What's the point of living in the past...it's completely out of my control at this point.
And as far as dwelling on what might happen in the future.. I have to be the one to take the control...
This is my destiny.
No one can change it but me.

jet boy anthology

So tonight, I thought it would be a really GREAT idea, to redecorate. You know, move stuff around...make it look new. Apparently I just DONT possess the decorating bug. Because...now I am tired, and it looks like a bunch of movers put stuff in a weird spot...DAMMIT. at least i know now that decorating is not my strength.

SHOOT!!

I remember my Mom telling me, that love doesn’t hurt. It really shouldn’t make you cry.

I don’t want to be put in the situation to see people that make me think of him. I don’t want to have to pretend like seeing them is okay.

Lincoln City

Most days I know, that I am slowly but surely, a little more put back together. I go about my days, with no conflict, no recollection of any memories. I stay busy, distracted.

I get home, and it consumes me. I sit here, and it over takes me. It’s painful right down to the nerve endings.

Today I shared the moment I knew I was in love with him. It’s a memory I think about when I am fully able. It makes my heart sing. It makes me realize this—that feeling is possible. I feel so fortunate to have loved someone, and to know that they loved me in return. I can’t imagine life on this earth with out knowing that feeling exists. That it can be unconditional. It happens with out warning…it happens because that person makes you feel more alive than you ever have in your life.

Does this realization mean that it is time for me to move on? That I am capable, and for the first time in 6 months, READY? I am not sure. I don’t feel that in my heart at all…I’m getting there…slowly but surely.

Time really does heal all wounds.

heavy, and it feels so right.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across the ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall

I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait,
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand,
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall
My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall

I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy. Heavy. So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it's a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy. Heavy. Heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he held me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I'm so heavy
Heavy in your arms

Heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms

let's stay together

I have been reading this book, called 30 days of letting go. It's just about putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and realizing that we are not really so different from one person to the next. I find at time that I am overly sensitive, and read a little too much into a situation. I worry a lot about what other people think about me, but don't ever really take the time to wonder what I think about myself.
I feel like I have been running, and my feet are so damn tired. I've been writing all this down here for everyone but myself.
In January when everything came screeching to a halt, I promised I would love myself more. I am not so sure that I am there yet. I respect myself a little bit more. I see the consequences of actions a little more clearly. I'm more aware of who I am. What makes my heart so heavy. I know that I have zero tolerance for anyone or anything that will put my heart there. In that regard, I find that I haven't really taken responsibility for the things I have done. A lot of what hurts me everyday, I really did do to myself.
I guess that's why I feel so tired. I will dodge the responsibility at any opportunity I can. Run, run...run.
Catch me if you can...

i thought i heard you coming through the door.

Do you ever wonder, if people notice you? If you have some impact on this big BAD world? Sometimes I feel like I just blend. Another face, in the overwhelming sea of faces.

I just want to be important to someone.

Maybe that’s just not reality.

hearing about you.

seeing pictures of you.

knowing you are still out there.

somewhere.

anywhere.

makes my heart sink.

makes my palms sweat.

makes my eyes wet.

i wish i never met you, never knew you at all.

never gave you the satisfaction of knowing you hurt me.

letting myself fall in love with you…gosh if you are out there, and i know you are…i wish you forgave me, i wish you were sorry…i wish this over…that we never existed.

I want to sleep…but I just can’t relax.

breathe…breathe….breathe.

let go, you must let him go.

i feel like if i stare at this computer screen long enough, somehow something will change…

it’s all the same

“spreadin out like wild fires” summer 10

Here is the track list for my summer mix…download it!!

1.everlasting light-the black keys

2. for the rest of your life-drug rug

3. chuck berry holiday-nobunny

4. always like this-bombay bicycle club

5. i made a bomb-coachwhips

6. everyone is going wild-the detroit cobra’s

7.s-p-a-s-t-i-c- bugs

8. stick up!-coconut coolouts

9. rum to whiskey-murder city devils

10. vampires-mr. gnome

11. sky in reverse-hint hint

12. car-built to spill

13. can’t get over you-vivian girls

14. be your baby-harlem

15. forest&sands-camera obscura

16. summer of hate-crocodiles

17. rush to relax-eddy current suppression ring

18. dolls-new young pony club

19. prizefighter-eels

20. shangri-la-m ward

21. double vision-ponys

22.veni vidi vici-the black lips

I have never asked one single person to wallow in my misery with me. If you don’t want to hear it, tell me to shut up. In fact, I’d be fine with that. Sometimes I wish I could shut up. No one can tell you how you are supposed to act in your state of misery. Just cause you are sad, doesn’t meant you are a bad person. At some point the clouds will part and you will be happy again. There is no timeframe for getting over something, or someone.

I feel like we point fingers, when really at the end of the day we need to take a good long hard look in the mirror and see ourselves for what we really. I would say I am a pretty self aware person. I know my flaws, weaknesses, and strengths like the back of my hand. I know what’s going to bring me down, and pick me back up. I know these things because I am myself…I have lived my life the way I do for 25 years. Take it or leave it.

This blog has been the best outlet for me in the past months. I don’t think I would have come as far as I have, if I didn’t have this space to share my thoughts in. I am sure my misery radiates from me. I am better than I was, but I am not completely recovered. I choose everyday to get up, and continue on. That’s where I am at right now, that’s about all I have the strength for. As far as happiness, I give it a try here and there. It’s easier said than done, when most things remind you have the way things were.

Maybe it is easier for some people to just turn the page, and keep on. I have turned the page, and I’m trying really hard to keep on living. I internalize everything, most of this war that is being waged is inside of me. What I actually share is a 1/4 of what I am actually feeling.

Cest la vie.

prison

When I close my eyes, you are there. Not just sometimes, every time.

I can’t fall asleep, because your memory literally haunts me. I start to relax, and doze off…my mind starts to race. No corner of my mind unturned, you are in every single one of them. I think about all the things, I don’t really know about to. It all makes sense. The memories I have are becoming a little more real, more clear.

It’s not fair that I have to be here alone like this.

I think I have shed a million or more tears over this…someone please break me out of this prison that is my mind, I can’t live like this anymore my heart just hurts way too much…and there seems to be no sign of relief.