Last night, I got reintroduced to a side of myself, that I thought I was never going to see again. She is self doubting and self loathing. I can barely make out my face when she's around. It felt like I got impacted at a thousand miles an hour. My mind began to float into a cloud of emptiness and confusion, my whole body felt heavy and i knew exactly what I needed to say, but I wasn't ready to face the reality of my own words. I know now that something within me is not quite fixed yet. Love can be grown, but it can also be destroyed.
For the most part, I know I hate conflict. I dislike being put in situations that make me uncomfortable. I resent the people who put me there. I never want to get hurt again. I never want to be in a place of self doubt induced destruction. I think thoureau said it best, when he said,"There is no remedy for love,but to love more."
I know that life is about being taken out o your comfort zone. Dealing with new situations, like riding a bike for the first time. Embracing the emotions that come along with it, and realizing they are neither right nor wrong. Feeling is good, emotion is real. It's all part of life's ongoing lesson.
Where do I go from here? Do I build up my walls and crawl inside them to protect my own selfish emotions? Either way i need some time to think, and I guess that has to be good for now.
