fix what’s broken

i love ya…i know i always will.

keep it.

I keep reminding myself to stay focused up. To stay grounded, to remember that I can DO THIS!

STAY STRONG KELLIANA.

I keep trying to figure out what I am doing here…but I am realizing that if I had the answer, maybe everything that happens wouldn’t be so frustrating. If I had all the answers, well hey life would be so boring.

I know that I am being set up for something bigger, that everything that has transpired in the last year, is for a reason bigger than I can even imagine right now.

I could have kept on doing things the way I always had been. I could have stayed in Portland, and just kept going through the motions of my life. Instead I took a risk, I traded in everything to be here. I took this opportunity to start my life over. To become something that I knew I had been in my heart, for a long time. To prove myself. TO TAKE RISKS.

In this moment. I wish I could start over again. I’m not ready to face the problems of today or tomorrow. I don’t want to be a failure at the one thing that I feel like in this life I am good at, and for a second I felt I had any control over.

Is this my wake up call? Is this my call to arms?

I feel like this is the millionth time I have asked myself this question in the last year, where do I go from here? I think I have to stop pretending. I am not okay. I haven’t been for a very long time. I think where I go is a place where I forgive myself…where I let go…where I look up, and see the light. Stay grounded, and remember not do anything irrational.

i’ve seen enough of my friends, in the depths of the god sick blues..

I have laid in my room with the lights off for the last 2 days. I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness. I think I have finally figured it out.

I by no means regret coming to SLC. In fact, I think in a lot of ways the moved saved me from longer term heartache and regret. It opened my eyes to all new possibilities, unfortunately now it just reminds me of the worst year of my life, and I am ready to put this city behind me.

Where to go from here?

Do I just leave my job, and say screw it? Should I put my heart in the hands of God, and tell him to do what he will with me. At one point I thought I had everything all figured out, and now I just feel really confused.

I can still feel that constant knot in my throat, you know the one you feel when you are trying to hold back every ounce of emotion that wants to fall out of you mouth?

I don’t miss him like I used to. I still want to forget everything. No one replaces him, probably because I won’t let them.

I need to remember that I am focusing on me…

REMEMBER

machine dreams

I promised myself, I wouldn't ever let myself get hurt again.
And I won't.
Time to cut another person off, before we even really get started. Gotta keep the walls up.
I am not here on this earth to frustrate people, or upset them.
I wanna make someone happy.
I think we will find each other eventually.

Anna Jewel

Today my Granny left us. She died peacefully in her sleep.
I remember Granny from a very young age, I loved her so much and would cry whenever we had to leave there house in Savannah. She would tell me stories, that she painted so beautifully with her words. She loved me unconditionally.
When Granny had her stroke when I was 13, my heart broke. I never thought I would lose her, I never thought she wouldn't be able to tell me a story. We moved away from South Carolina a few years later, and I became a teenager and forgot all about my Granny.
For years I have told myself, I have to get back to Savannah I need to be there with Granny and Papa before they die. I know that sounds really morbid to say, but it's true. Now I just feel so guilty. I haven't been there in almost 4 years.
A week ago I should have went to tell her Goodbye when she was still here...and I didn't.

My dearest Granny, I love you so much...I know you are up there looking over me, I miss you.

we use to wait

Do you ever go against all the feelings that you are feeling in your gut?
Ignore your instincts?
Disregard your intuition?

I do it all the time.
I always wanna believe people are good.

I think that's what hurts the most, the bruising of your ego. Knowing that you were completely wrong about something or someone. Letting your weaknesses get the best of you, falling for everything, and falling into all kinds of things you thought you were stronger than.

Remember when we climbed to the top of that cape? Up there I felt like our love was infinite. In those perfect moments, it felt like the earth stopped moving. I had found my soul mate. "Whatever our souls were made of, his and mine were the same." Funny how a year changes everything.

I couldn't even look at you if I saw you. I wouldn't even recognize you if you were standing in front of me. You are the shell of a love, now lost. Stagnating in the depths of my memory, haunting that moment in time.

I feel more whole now than I have in the last 7 months. Still waiting to feel like myself again, missing you less day to day...it's more like once a week. I remember how you used to look at me, I remember when you used to love me...I remember the day it all fell apart. I could never say I am glad it happened, but I wouldn't change the way it's impacted me so far this year for everything. I am different.

I am a new improved version of myself, still falling down but demanding that I get back up again.

not ready, still.

It has been awhile since I felt like this. Today I realized that everything I was ever afraid of from my childhood, come out in more than I realize. From a young age I remember hearing that one day my dad just "stopped loving my mom". I never realized the impact it had one me, until this whole year started taking place.
I was always afraid that one day Taylor was just going to stop loving me.
When he broke up with me, that's what it felt like happened. That he just stopped, out of the blue.
Everything happened so quickly, that I barely had time to react.
I haven't thought about the chain of events in along time, and maybe that's been better?
The more I think, the more it doesn't makes sense.
My childhood fears, come closer and closer to the surface, seeming so accurately real.