i am here, now.

It's April, and it's still snowing here in SLC. It's not sticking to the ground, but the flakes are giant, and making the outside look more intimidating than it actually is. It was this time last year, that I finally felt whole again. Looking back to it now, it seems impossible that I could have been in a place of such heavy sorrow.
I have this incredible passion for living in the moment. I have never been in this place before. The worry, and the doubt tend to fade away when I am here. There's no sense of knowing what is to come, or no sense of desire for that feeling either. I have begun to wonder if not worrying about the future is my new scapegoat. Does it make me seem irresponsible and flighty to those around me? I don't know, but I do know that I feel more alive than ever. Mending the broken pieces of my mind here and there, filling in the holes where I once doubted everything I did, living in the moments, living...breathing...for the first time, every time.
Here I go, continuing on this path of a twenty-something year old girl, emptying my baggage of the past, to find that a whole new tenacity for the moment.

http://oneeighttwozeros.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

Black holes

Last night, I got reintroduced to a side of myself, that I thought I was never going to see again. She is self doubting and self loathing. I can barely make out my face when she's around. It felt like I got impacted at a thousand miles an hour. My mind began to float into a cloud of emptiness and confusion, my whole body felt heavy and i knew exactly what I needed to say, but I wasn't ready to face the reality of my own words. I know now that something within me is not quite fixed yet. Love can be grown, but it can also be destroyed.

For the most part, I know I hate conflict. I dislike being put in situations that make me uncomfortable. I resent the people who put me there. I never want to get hurt again. I never want to be in a place of self doubt induced destruction. I think thoureau said it best, when he said,"There is no remedy for love,but to love more."

I know that life is about being taken out o your comfort zone. Dealing with new situations, like riding a bike for the first time. Embracing the emotions that come along with it, and realizing they are neither right nor wrong. Feeling is good, emotion is real. It's all part of life's ongoing lesson.

Where do I go from here? Do I build up my walls and crawl inside them to protect my own selfish emotions? Either way i need some time to think, and I guess that has to be good for now.

"We are the bright new stars born of a screaming black hole, the nascent suns burst from the darkness, from the grasping void of space that folds and swallows--a darkness that would devour anyone not as strong as we. We are oddities, sideshows, talk show subjects. We capture everyone's imagination."
— Dave Eggers (A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius)


I find myself in this weird space of self doubt. Comparing myself to things I dont know, nor have any real solid control over. It makes my heart drop. I never thought i'd let my mind go here again. I feel so much stronger, so much more in tune with my own wavelength. I guess we never fully overcome, just slowly dealing. Build up the walls to tear them down, to build them up stronger again.

I'm afraid of myself..

It's been far to long since I have written on here. I feel so focused and directive with my life at this point. Reminding myself everyday to stay grounded, and not to over analyze every minut aspect of my life. I've come so far. I feel so asserted in the person I am. Comfortable in my own skin for the first time in what seems like forever. This journey has been incredible, and at times nothing short of twisted. I kept reminding myself that there would be a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm finally living on that light, with a couple shades of dark moments here and there.

brand new colony

I am so close. I am almost there. Time to refocus, and get grounded.

It's funny when I talk about you now, I feel so disconnected. It's the moment I have been waiting for, and it's finally here.

This last year I have been on the invigorating journey of self discovery.  I feel so ALIVE. I feel so in-touch with myself, and I am discovering more and more each and everyday.

I have spent every year of my life up until now, waiting for some knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. This last year has made me realize, I can sweep my own self off my feet, and it's the best feeling.

forced to love

I don't know what this feeling is that I get in my chest sometimes. It makes me feel like someone was spinning me around, and around on a tire swing...and I got off and stood up. It's the way I felt when my world came crashing down around me last January.

I know I shouldn't let the fear of getting hurt, stop me from moving on. In fact, I feel like I am moved on. It's just knowing that there might be a possibility that I might have to experience that pain again, that frightens me. I am just NOT interested in EVER feeling that way again. I want my heart to be open to the idea of new possibilities, but now I am just so doubtful that it is a good idea for me. Though I have moved mountains as far as my healing goes in the last few months, I am not so sure that I am quite done yet. Maybe, this experience is part of that process.

I am more aware after the last year, what my flaws are, and I am embracing them, and trying to fix or adjust them when needed. I know how amazing I am, and everything that I have to offer.

As much as I try to convince myself that I can engage in the casual fling, or whatever I realize that I can't. It takes far to much for me to invest the time in getting to know someone, especially on an emotional level....

In short...I am so confused right now, can you tell?

only girl in the world

It's December, the snow on the ground from the last few weeks is slowly melting away, preparing for the snow storms that indefinitely lie ahead. I look at myself in the mirror these days, and I love who I am. The self doubt, the worry, the insecurity that was being harbored deep with in me, has faded away. For good, forever. There was no warning, but this is definitely what I have been working towards. I've been striving to fall in love with myself, body and soul...without limits, without boundaries. I tore down all the walls, and nothing about me is a mystery. 2010 has been nothing short of an obstacle course, and no doubt a roller coaster ride. The things I have experienced in the last 11 months, have changed me. As I remember everything I have experienced, there were really times that I didn't think I was gonna come out of this alive, let alone a better person. I was so identified by who I surrounded myself with, who I was dating, and what they wanted from me...that I lost sight of my own identity. In the last 11 months, I have been given the opportunity to find my own identity and realize what I want from myself.
Life is the moments. We must be joyful in them, truly living each and every one of them. Life is the wind through your hair, the smile from a stranger, the sound of the bass pumping in the car next to you, the excitement in the face of a friend when they see you, your heart beating so fast when you see your crush walking towards you...it's everything, it's every second, it's all around us...it's incredibly beautiful to be in the moment, truly living life.