My mind started racing last night, I think I dreamt of you. I wish I could remember, I think she was there too.

Every time the thought crossed my head, I feel so sick.

It’s like a knot in your stomach, that just won’t relax.

yo-yo

Due to my recent bought of insomnia, I am here again…writing to you, whoever you are, in hopes that you will hear me, if you ever were listening…now would be a good time.

Here is what I don’t understand. When did life get so complicated? Than again, when is the last time I remember my life being “simple”?

I should have taken the advice of a good friend over a month ago when she told me, not to dig up old graves. I find myself reliving a gamut of emotions that I honestly forgot had existed. At least for this particular situation. I have to remember where my heart was in the beginning of this year, how terribly trampled upon it felt, and how I never thought it would find its way to being whole again. No good advice could pass through my ears with out getting lost in translation some where. Everything I know now of HEARTBREAK, I learned for myself. How come I think that my advice on the subject is going to hold any weight for someone who is knee deep in it?

I have to look a little deeper and ask myself, what about this situation is effecting me NOW? Why am I letting it hold so much weight in my life? What is the actual JOY I can feel, and not the pain and despair?

I am HERE NOW.

This is an important part of my journey into progression. It feels good to know that I was important enough to contact, that I could bring some light into someone’s life when they needed it the most. I feel like, I was so desperate to pay it forward to all the advice that I was given in the last year, that I jumped the gun. My healing isn’t over yet, is what I am realizing now. I am almost there, but not completely prepared to cut the cord. I think I have rushed myself, been a little to hard on my process, stopped the grieving cause I didn’t want my world to crash down around me. Now, it’s crashing, and NOW it’s time to deal with it. Look around pick up the pieces that I need to start over, and leave the pieces that I don’t need behind.

waves

I can hear the branches, scratching at the windows outside, the wind blowing through every seam of this house. I can hear the leaves slapping up against the window, the rain lightly falling on the pavement outside...I feel nostalgic, it feels like home.

This evening, I got to look at myself from with in. I got the courage to face the things that have changed me. I had this moment of clearness, and I am not letting that go.

The past couple days have brought me to a lot of realistic conclusions about the path I am about to set forth on. I have allowed my mind to take power, and bring certain things to there end, but also at the same time realizing that I am not necessarily completely prepared to cut the cord.

I got my answers so clearly tonight, I am so grateful.

all shook up

Oh man.
I have said it once, and I will say it again. Expect the unexpected.
Just when you think you can't be found, they find you.

In the past 13 months of my life, I feel as if I have been on this incredible roller coaster ride. I have been on this journey of enlightenment, confusion, immense pain, and profound joy. Some days I felt like I was never going to get out of bed again, and others I felt proud of the woman I have become. I feel so independent. I still feel confused, and at times a little lost, BUT at the same time I feel that whatever life sets in my path, that I have the will to overcome. That I have the strength to say to myself, "this will pass, and all is in preparation for the next journey in my life."

I know that I have learned to adjust to change, not something I have ever been able to do lightly. I have learned to adjust, I have learned to breathe. Fall down, and get back up again. I know that I can only hope that this day and it's events, will only better prepare me for the days ahead.

I could have never fathomed being here, not even today, and not yesterday...but I am here now...in this place of clarity, and I am so thankful

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little piece of paradise..

I have been trying to fight the inevitable, but it seems that it’s time…

time to bid farewell to this chapter in my life.

I won’t feel defeated. I promised myself yesterday, that I’m not going to let things get the best of me anymore. Everything happens for a reason, and I am excited to potentially embark on a new exciting aspects of my life.

I am praying for peace of mind right now, I am hoping to be graceful in my words, and find new clarity in my mind and heart. <3

"I am tired. I am true of heart."

I just took a minute to read over my last few blogs. SIGH. I think, rather I know and realize that I am letting life get the best of me!! I have to stop doing this. I need to work harder to be more grateful for the things in my life that are good, and work diligently to change the things in my life that are not.

Life is full of ups and down, and if I have learned anything since the beginning of 2010, it is that statement is infinitely true. I realize that these fragile moments, are here to prepare me to face them with more experience and conviction in the future. It is so important to remain strong, and continue to live in the light. I have let my mind wander to the darkness lately, and I need to keep my mind focused up. I know that it is okay to be weak sometimes, it sucks, but it is totally okay. I whine a lot. I am a perpetual whiner. I am an outward thinker, and I complain in order to process the things that are bothering me. I need to learn to have more grace, and to process more effectively on my own, and involve others when necessary.

Life is full of obstacles. I know I can jump over these new hurdles. Expect the unexpected. And as I have said before, and am constantly reminding myself...Life would be boring if it was always going precisely as I planned.

I am getting ready to start a new chapter in my career, another step back to move forward. I am excited, and fearful of the unknown. I believe in myself more than ever, and as much as I have just given up, I know if I work diligently in my new role, I will receive just as many accolades and success.
,

the sprawl

CROSSROADS.

Here I am again. I have made my decision and now, I must stick with it, as if it has brought me some kind of clarity. Unfortunately, it hasn’t. I feel more lost than ever.

Everything has come full circle. I am left dealing with the lost of about everything I once knew. I want to believe in the positive. I want to keep telling myself it is all for the better. I am sick of “everything happening for a reason”.

Where to go from here?? What am I waiting for?