get out of my head!

i love that i can't sleep at night.
i hope you are getting enough sleep for the both of us.
honestly, i don't know how you sleep knowing what you are doing to me.
i don't eat.
i don't sleep.
i spend every possible moment, trying to pull myself out of this saddness.
but you win.
you still fucking win.

if you think i'm slowin down, i'm not slowin down

the last few posts are just some things i've been writing lately. i never thought going through a break up would be so difficult. it makes me realize i should have never been envious of my friends with boyfriends. because if this is what it feels like when it all comes crashing down around you, then...well...i guess i never want to feel this way again.

i wake up every morning from a nightmare.
my heart is racing, i feel like i can't breathe, immediately my mind starts to wander...to him...to her...back to him again.
why? why? why?

i guess he is right, i'm insane.

beast of burden

Falling in love is such a roller coaster ride. One minute you're fighting the hell out of it, and the next minute you're stuck knee deep in it. Then the break-up. THE END. How do you pull yourself out of the mud?

Love let's you go, let's you fall flat on your face. You just wanna lay there, there's nothing and no one that can pick you up. It feels good to just wallor in it for awhile. REALITY. It sets in. The whole world is moving on with out you, and you're still walloring. STAGNATING. He moved on before he admitted to breaking your heart. OH WAIT. You broke your own heart. (riiiiight.) Besides the point. Everyone, him, the whole damn planet didn't stop revolving just cause your heart shattered in to a million pieces. AND NO ONE. Is going to help you put it back together.

You could just keep laying there, or you could pick yourself up of the floor. You're the only one who can do it. Stop dwelling. You can't fix him, he never wanted to fix himself. Love isn't enough. You can't love something that refuses to love you back.

i don't like you, but i love you.

I keep listening to this She and Him song, over and over again. And even when it's not playing, I can hear it as I go about my daily routine. My heart is swelling in my chest, and I can feel that old knot in my throat. Just as my eyes start to burn, I realize I just need to shake it off. Then, I began to look around every corner of this place, every part that holds all the pieces of him, of me, of me and him. As the shoes on the floor, and the pictures on the wall haunt me, I can't shake it off. I don't know that I'm ready for all of this.

I keep asking myself, where did I go wrong? How did I let this all spiral so far out of my control? But, now I've realized something really BIG...it is truly impossible to control every aspect of your life, and furthermore any aspect of someone else's. There's that old saying, if you love someone let them go. I say, if you love yourself, let yourself free.

Now, I just need time. Time to sit here, and think, think, think. Shed a few more tears, fall down, but ultimately pick myself back up again. It's hard when you feel like you can't let go, but even harder when you're not ready for it. Are we ever truly ready to give up something, or someone that we believe completes us?

Tomorrow, is a brand new day. A new chance for me to remember exactly how I got here. Exactly why I don't wanna be here anymore. Love doesn't conquer everything, and time may never heal the wounds.

20/20 in hindsight

once upon a time, i saw you there. standing on a metal chair, drilling holes into the ceiling. not my type. not my type. but the earth seemed to stand still in that very moment. you told me i was the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen. and the earth came to a hault. it was like no one else mattered but you and me. we drove to the beach, and that's when i knew i was falling in love with you. weeks before you told me you thought you were falling in love with me too. and time seemed infinite. it seemed nothing could go wrong. we had our differences. in fact. we didn't have very much in common at all. but i saw myself in you. you completed me. and it seemed for a moment i completed you too.
the summer flew by, as it often does...and weeks passed and i thought it was time for me to move on. i decided to pick myself up and move far away, and it broke your heart. you said it felt like i was leaving you behind. because. i was. you offered to get me there. and as our torrid love affair continued the trip couldnt have been anything less than dramatic. my car was finished. but we made it to the great salt lake. you worried, about me. you called me everyday. you told me you missed me. you said you were gonna treat me different. you said you loved me forever. you said i was your forever. forever. and then you drove all through one day and one night, to end my troubles. to set me free. a car. and we really were forever. time stood still. this was it.

now everyone tells me. it was all a lie....it cant be. cant be. you would never hurt me. you promised. you loved me? maybe you loved her too...

does she know that you are a liar? does she not care like i do? does she still love you too?

City of Thorns

I am very excited to see Portland. Grey skies, wet pavement. I can almost smell the trees from here. I can see the leaves glistening in the day light. I can hear the rain pounding on the hood of my car as I drive home from work. I can hear the drum circles on hawthorne. I can feel the sticky heat in Laurelhurst park as we attempt to BBQ. I can feel the grass making my legs itch as we act like children on the first real day of summer. I can see the sun shining through the trees. The bright blue sky.
I can’t wait to see her. To wrap my arms around her bridges, and division streets. She knows me better than I know myself. She knows just how to push my buttons, take me from happy to sad. Oh city of roses,I wish you had different memories of me. Next time I'm gonna be better to you...

Now, I have to leave...and It's like all the sudden I can't feel my fingers or toes. My eyes are piling up with the baggage of what I am leaving behind here. I don't want to let any of this go, but i pricked my finger on the last thorn and i've got to fix these wounds first.