"We are the bright new stars born of a screaming black hole, the nascent suns burst from the darkness, from the grasping void of space that folds and swallows--a darkness that would devour anyone not as strong as we. We are oddities, sideshows, talk show subjects. We capture everyone's imagination."
— Dave Eggers (A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius)


I find myself in this weird space of self doubt. Comparing myself to things I dont know, nor have any real solid control over. It makes my heart drop. I never thought i'd let my mind go here again. I feel so much stronger, so much more in tune with my own wavelength. I guess we never fully overcome, just slowly dealing. Build up the walls to tear them down, to build them up stronger again.

I'm afraid of myself..

It's been far to long since I have written on here. I feel so focused and directive with my life at this point. Reminding myself everyday to stay grounded, and not to over analyze every minut aspect of my life. I've come so far. I feel so asserted in the person I am. Comfortable in my own skin for the first time in what seems like forever. This journey has been incredible, and at times nothing short of twisted. I kept reminding myself that there would be a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm finally living on that light, with a couple shades of dark moments here and there.

brand new colony

I am so close. I am almost there. Time to refocus, and get grounded.

It's funny when I talk about you now, I feel so disconnected. It's the moment I have been waiting for, and it's finally here.

This last year I have been on the invigorating journey of self discovery.  I feel so ALIVE. I feel so in-touch with myself, and I am discovering more and more each and everyday.

I have spent every year of my life up until now, waiting for some knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. This last year has made me realize, I can sweep my own self off my feet, and it's the best feeling.

forced to love

I don't know what this feeling is that I get in my chest sometimes. It makes me feel like someone was spinning me around, and around on a tire swing...and I got off and stood up. It's the way I felt when my world came crashing down around me last January.

I know I shouldn't let the fear of getting hurt, stop me from moving on. In fact, I feel like I am moved on. It's just knowing that there might be a possibility that I might have to experience that pain again, that frightens me. I am just NOT interested in EVER feeling that way again. I want my heart to be open to the idea of new possibilities, but now I am just so doubtful that it is a good idea for me. Though I have moved mountains as far as my healing goes in the last few months, I am not so sure that I am quite done yet. Maybe, this experience is part of that process.

I am more aware after the last year, what my flaws are, and I am embracing them, and trying to fix or adjust them when needed. I know how amazing I am, and everything that I have to offer.

As much as I try to convince myself that I can engage in the casual fling, or whatever I realize that I can't. It takes far to much for me to invest the time in getting to know someone, especially on an emotional level....

In short...I am so confused right now, can you tell?

only girl in the world

It's December, the snow on the ground from the last few weeks is slowly melting away, preparing for the snow storms that indefinitely lie ahead. I look at myself in the mirror these days, and I love who I am. The self doubt, the worry, the insecurity that was being harbored deep with in me, has faded away. For good, forever. There was no warning, but this is definitely what I have been working towards. I've been striving to fall in love with myself, body and soul...without limits, without boundaries. I tore down all the walls, and nothing about me is a mystery. 2010 has been nothing short of an obstacle course, and no doubt a roller coaster ride. The things I have experienced in the last 11 months, have changed me. As I remember everything I have experienced, there were really times that I didn't think I was gonna come out of this alive, let alone a better person. I was so identified by who I surrounded myself with, who I was dating, and what they wanted from me...that I lost sight of my own identity. In the last 11 months, I have been given the opportunity to find my own identity and realize what I want from myself.
Life is the moments. We must be joyful in them, truly living each and every one of them. Life is the wind through your hair, the smile from a stranger, the sound of the bass pumping in the car next to you, the excitement in the face of a friend when they see you, your heart beating so fast when you see your crush walking towards you...it's everything, it's every second, it's all around us...it's incredibly beautiful to be in the moment, truly living life.

I still can't believe it..

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/idahostatesman/obituary.aspx?n=danielle-vacca&pid=146837042&fhid=6417

Dani we love you <3

Dani...rest peacefully my beautiful friend..

Today seemed so surreal. I could hear the words Janelle was saying to me through the phone, and it was like everything stopped moving.


When I moved to Salt Lake City last September, my heart was only half here. I remember starting my first day at the MAC counter, and just thinking to myself, what had I gotten myself into? As my first few days passed, everyone kept buzzing about this girl Dani. I was anxious to meet her, and when I did she was everything they said she was, and more. I saw this beautiful statue of a girl standing before me, with the sweetest eyes.

I knew from that moment on, that she was someone who I would hold near and dear to my heart forever.

I remember when I found out that she was only twenty, I was so taken a back by it. She was wise beyond her years, and had such compassion and conviction in the things she talked about. Even though I was Dani's manager she was someone I really looked up to, and looked to when it came to finding my creative spark on a lot of days when I was just wasn’t finding it. Dani was such a light in my life in this past year. She made me have a reason to come to work, and I looked forward to every day that I worked with her. It was seeing that wide grin looking at me, wrapping her arms around me when I needed them, that made me love coming to work. I remember scheduling her with me intentionally because she lifted me up so much.

Dani could command the presence in a room, there was something about her that made you want to stop, look, and listen. She was beautiful, inside and out.

I sit here now, and I can't wrap my heard around the idea of her being gone. I know she is doing her rendition of Bad Romance right now...I love you my sweet girl...rest peacefully, look after us, we need you now more than ever..

LOVE YOU SO MUCH..DANIELLE VACCA...GURRRRRRRRL