but...i said THANK YOU!

Today, I am thankful.
These are the things I am thankful for...

• This beautiful place that I found myself back in. PORTLAND, OREGON. Thankful for the route that helped me get here. It was filled with mistakes, and I'll probably continue to make some of them. I'm only human, not perfect.
•  My big heart. It's loved and been loved back..and in the times where the hurt felt like it would never end...it felt again. I am so aware of it's power. It's desire to love infinitely. 
• My FAMILY...those people who love me no matter what
• This insatiable sweet tooth I've acquired. CANDY...you can run, but you can't hide from me.
• Local Natives-Hummingbird
• Creativity

Babel

Hello 2013!

 We're only a few days in, and I can see that you are going to give me a run for my money this year. It's true, huh?

 "I stretch my arms into the sky I cry, Babel, Babel look at me now"

 I reflect back on 2012 with a warm heart, and a big smile. I can honestly say, I am for the first time in my life completely comfortable in my own skin. I can stand firm with my feet planted into the earth, grounded and humbled. There are always going to be speed bumps along the way, things reminding me to slow down. I'm constantly reminded of my vision for my best life, and challenged to keep on that path. This doesn't mean I am perfect, or that I am with out fault. I am, and I think that's the best part about 2012--being able to admit where I am wrong. Taking responsibility for all my faults for the first time in my adult life. It sure as hell doesn't feel good all the time, but guess what...I'm getting closer to the light...closer...and closer.

 When I came back to Portland in June, I wanted things to go back to the way they were when I lived here before. Same friends, same places, doing the same things, living the life of a 24 year old. Unfortunately, I am not that insecure 24 year old from before. A girl of irresponsibility and a passion for the next big thrill. Someone who would never say she was sorry, or take responsibility for her actions. That girl, I feel for the most part is gone. She shows her face every once in awhile, we can only strive to be perfect, we can never truly be there. I am now an almost 30 something, who is demanding her best life. Who is planning methodically for that, and what have I learned? That all those old friends, and old places...are just that OLD. I lived my life for the first time when I set foot on to the snowy grounds of SLC. I was isolated, and determined. Determined to be a better version of myself...why would I abandon that to rekindle flames that have burnt out years ago? It's true what they say...you can't go back.

 Living my best life in 2013 means keeping my feet firmly planted on this path. It means standing up with integrity, and choosing what's best for me. It means taking responsibility of things, and saying to myself 'this will never happen again', and not faltering. A few months ago I heard that you are the 6 people you are closest with. These 6 people share the same common vision for my life, it's time to start fresh. Moving forward in 2013. "

Cause I'll know my weakness, know my voice, and I'll believe in grace and choice,and I know perhaps my heart is fast--But I’ll be borne without a mask"

the Runaway

It's funny how our memory works.

Omitting anything bad, and only letting the good things really shine in the light.

Maybe this isn't so bad after all?

Unfortunately, it leads to forgetfulness. It's makes you unclear of how you've made it from point A to point B. In my case, exactly how I ended up here...

Writing this...

thinking about the same damn thing over and over again, playing the memories like a bad movie that I can't stop watching...again...and again.

It makes me wonder...

Maybe all the memories are really good. Did anything short of love really happen between us? Maybe...just maybe it was a good year, and when I look back on this year that I'm currently living...I'll think the same thing.

Sometimes, I think deep inside myself...I can feel each rise and fall of my chest, and I pretend that I can feel you...doing the same thing too.

I get caught up, just wondering.

Wondering where you are? Who you are? What you are doing? Where you might be going? Who you are with?
Wondering, all the time...

(but not really all the time anymore, just sometimes...like this)

What you think of me, if you think of me...if there's even a margin of hope that you could still possibly be one of the strongest lights in my life.

You did LIGHT up my life. I just needed to turn you off, so I could have some time to find my own light.

and I have, it seems that I might just be living my best life.. All the light in my life doesn't stop me...

 Doesn't stop me from thinking of you, where ever you are...

Let Her Go

I've always been whatever my age is going on--fifty. Always acting like I had all the answers...never wanting to be wrong, always demanding to be right. (Don't act surprised.)

I once told a good friend..."you can never truly be great until you humble yourself." Funny how we can articulate the most poignant of  words, and not really listen to them ourselves. At that point in my life, I don't think I had lived a humble moment. It took states between, and time to pass for me to truly understand what the world 'humble' meant. I'm not saying at 27 that I have even began to experience life, really I have only just arrived. Happiness called out my name, and for the first time I chose to hear it. I decided to stop pretending I was great, and actually become it...and I've got a WAYS to go.

I write this tonight, to say this...I am truly humbled. Constantly amazed at this crazy train I call my life, stuck in this dream that I am truly living in. I'm ready for everything that life has to offer me...I can stand tall today and say...
I'm here.

maybe this is a love letter

I'm writing this letter to you.
Maybe, you'll read it. Maybe, you won't.
Hello, from here in the deep dark green trees.
Hi, to you in the land of bees.
I can still hear the sound of your voice, the hoarse in your throat as we slowly let each other go.
It seems like yesterday, we met in the snow.
A kiss on the lips, I'll never let go.
I'm sorry for this awkward recount of memory lane, it seems to be all I can recall when I try to remember the bad things.
Here I sit, pen to the paper...trying to decide how I lost her--you.
Every memory falls away like the first kiss, I keep wondering how the hell we came to this.
I'm here, far away enough to forget about you and me.
Love came easy, and left just as quickly.
No more sad story, I'm writing to say...
Today I realized I was going to be okay, I let you go but I was still holding on.
So go, because I'm gone.

look at me, with your old, old eyes.

I have this amazing sense of optimism, I never realized I had.
Maybe it's the transition. Maybe it's the sudden change.
This is exactly what I needed.
I was ready to let go. Close the chapter, and begin writing a new one.
The past is a faded memory.
I'm thankful for each and every experience. The people, the love that I shared, getting my heartbroken, almost losing everything...and guess what..realizing all along...that I had the STRENGTH to pick up all the pieces, and put ME back together the way I wanted.

I wish I could say, NO REGRETS.
We all have them, and it's a lie if we say we don't.
Do I wish that you were still sitting next to me, for right now...yes.
You made me a better person.
Or maybe our experience was the key to me becoming this person.

All I can do is move ahead. Never look back.
and when you want to remember me...and when I want to remember you...look to they sky that we share.

I will remember your face, because I am still in love with that place

I kept telling myself, there's nothing wrong with me. I kept wondering how I could learn from the situation. Reflecting, trying daily to be better.

Today I realized, I was better, there was nothing wrong with me, and whatever I had to learn...I already had.

It's funny how you can still be in love with a place in your life, and at the same time realize the love that still lingers in your heart, is attached to the sentiment in those moments. The past is always so good at making us forget how we ended up--here.

Most days, I know I still could fall in love with you a million times...unfortunately I've just learned to love myself more.

"When the stars are the only thing we share, will you be there? I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands. I'm gonna turn, gonna listen to the lessons that I've learned."