"I toured the light; so many foreign roads for Emma, forever ago."

Poignant at times and utterly chaotic at the others, we find ourselves tearing through the pages of life. Frantically we are writing our story, unknowing of what may be on the next page. The unknown, can be terrifying. It can send us into an emotional tailspin, ripping out chapters we have finished...forcing us to rewrite them again.

 Sometimes we are forced to relive an experience, until we fully conquer it. I can stand here today finishing this last chapter and say...I've conquered what I did not before understand. I feel alive--truly. A feeling, I can't say I recognized before. This is exactly the best life, I had imagined for myself, and damn...it's been a journey getting here.

The people a long the way, that have graced the pages of this chapter of my life...will have a profound effect on this next chapter that I am getting ready to embark on.

All the pain, makes sense. All the self loathing, the jealousy, the endless quirks of my ever evolving personality, well it's just that...a work in progress. I have learned, that to love you must love yourself. I do--I know it.

 The girl, I was...she was amazing too. She is the reason, I am where I am today. She fought for me. As I write her story, and bring it to an end...I know that each element of my life, has purpose for where I end up. So I look to the light, remember that even when it feels so bad...it will soon make sense...and it's all for a greater good.

Here's to my early and mid twenties!! I can officially find peace in saying...I know who I am, and I am ready to let her shine. May this next chapter be as enlightening as all the ones the prefaced it...

now is all we have

I have lost focus of the NOW. Continuously dwelling in the ego driven world of the past, and present. Trying to take grip of the future, when I have no control and am not conscious of the present. I need to get back to the ground, stay anchored, be the moment, be the now... ACCEPT WHAT IS.

Here are some things I am trying to REMEMBER...

ACCEPT WHAT IS

Through forgiveness which means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past and allowing the present moment to be AS IT IS.

When you are fully conscious, drama does NOT come into your life.

Relinquish all judgement

Wherever you are, be there TOTALLY.

Are you polluting the world, or cleaning up the mess?

THE PRESENT MOMENT IS ALL YOU EVER HAVE.
TRANSFORM YOUR THINKING.

-I am excited to get back in touch with my being, and re-live my life in the now-

Exisentialism

One second.
One minute.
One hour.
A Day.

I've slept pretty soundly the last couple nights. Waking up frequently to the panic. To my heart racing. Waking from a dream of him. I guess nightmares shouldn't really be called dreams. Sometimes, he still loves me in them. Sometimes they are mere recollections of the way things were.

"oh to have you than to lose you, makes me wish I'd never been born."

Remember?

It's weird to feel forgotten. To try to forget all the things that someone else has cast from there mind. Where did we begin? How did it all come to an end?

Who's fault is it? Or is anyone ever really at fault at all?

Is there a lesson in all of this, do the clouds clear and everything just "makes sense"?

I doubt it. I'm still here. Still recollecting, pondering, longing, waiting...waiting. Always waiting.

Sometimes when the sadness is too much, I hold myself really tightly and think about you telling me that "everything is going to work out, and I don't need to worry."

Nothing worked out. I should have never stopped worrying.

The ghost of us, it haunts me. It lingers in my footsteps. I can hear you, I always hear you.

Everything has changed.
I am changing.
I am turning into someone who is jaded.
How could I let myself be so vulnerable.
How did I let myself fall in love?
I should have been smarter.
I should have worried.
I should have known.
You lied.
You hurt me.
You said you never would.
You never wanted to hurt me.
Than why did you continue?
How could you crush me like this?

We never existed. It was all a lie.

the candle burned out

I work. I get back to this place. To these walls. To this darkness. My arms hang heavy, my heart hangs heavier. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of here. I thought I was getting better. Than, for whatever reason this last week hit me like a ton of bricks.
I feel that urge again. To run away. But there's nothing to run away from here. I've got it the best I've ever had it. My career is taking off. But these feelings inside me, are causing me turmoil. I can feel that constant knot in my throat. I can't even talk about it without choking up.
I just want to run...
the farthest away I can get. Where no one knows. Where I can start over. Just like I wanted to before. You kept your grip so tight on me. I learned to love you without boundaries. With endless devotion. I've never loved so deeply. I never wanted to spend my life with someone. You were that first for me.
I never want to let those feelings go.

bah...time to rethink. time to let go. time to let the candle finally burn out. i could keep it lit for you...but you snuffed me out months ago.