Anthems for a Twenty Eight Year Old Girl

Tonight, I felt the endless pull to get in my car and just drive. Life had been uniquely wonderful lately, and I wanted to have a moment with myself. I plugged in my IPOD, placed it on shuffle and began to drive.

The night was perfectly clear, I felt like I was the only car on the road. I was deep in thought. My mind was going it's various forms of obsessive compulsive anxiety, cataloging the good and the bad of my day, my normal nightly routine. I paused at the light turned red, and told myself...I can't.

What's the point of this? Earlier in the day, I was just speaking of about living in the present moment with full awareness.

 So, I focused my hands on the wheel and starred with anticipation at the red light. I instantly, heard the repetitive clap and guitar strum of a song I knew all to well. And while I desperately tried to focus on the present moment, I know it was Her reminding me to do so. It was her little way of telling me, "you are here now". It was her way of being a little more grown up than me like she always had been. She always made me feel grounded, she always had a fresh perspective and tenacity for life. As the light turned green, I smiled. I focused on the words, the message in the song. I had put this song on a mix I made for all of her friends in her memory, and I couldn't believe as I now listened to the lyrics...that it was every bit her...

Call of forgivenessI'm like the beat of the hurtI'm not the only oneYou tried to save when you fell out

Call of forgivenessI'm like the clean in the dirtI'm not the only oneYou tried to crave when you fell out

Try, waitYou made your life on everythingHard, madeYou made your life on everything

Try, waitYou made your life on everythingLong, fadeYou made your life on everything

Call of forgivenessI'm like the heal of the hurtI'm like the only oneYou tried to save when you fell out

Call of forgivenessI'm like the queen of the dirtI'm like the only oneWho tried to stay when you fell out

It's like the common lawWas wall to wall and almost fadedI've seen the gone to smallThe lost of law, the almost made itIt seems like mine to shineYou'll always find the lonely ray

It's like the wall to fall, the fall of allThe laws are gradedI've seen the lies that callThe pictures tall, the lines are made inIt's like the fight to crawlMy darling, all you've lived your age

I know it's all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, the all to all the ultimatum

I know it's all to all, all to all ultimatumJust like the all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, the all to all the ultimatum

You made your life on everythingYou made your life on everything

I knew she was sending me a message, and I was so thankful that she was still communicating with me. Losing her light, was scary at first, but after she left I realized that she had a light that would never go out. I remember the promises I had made when she left us, and I gripped the steering wheel tighter as my eyes began to well up. As I drove I was making my own "call of forgiveness" as I continued to play the song on repeat. I need to live this moment, I needed to become more aware. I had promises that I intended to keep, to always live my best life, and to live with the same fire and youth that Dani always did.

My darling Dani, you made your life on everything. I love when you come to me, when I need you most.

I continued my night drive ritual, and lived the moment. I remembered my sweet angel, who lit up my life....thank you for always being a beacon...shine bright xo

Dream on Little Dreamer

There had been a point a few months ago, where I could not see my future in front of me. My dreams seemed so far out of my reach. It became apparent to me that I wasn't on the path of my dreams, and at that point I had to find a way to make a change. I continually make improvements on my life, if it's not going the way I want it to...I address the challenge and seize it. This challenge seemed different. I had been placed into a position and a place where I never felt like I fit. It wasn't that I was not capable of the task at hand, I just wasn't in LOVE with doing it.

After making this observation, I had to ask myself. What makes me come alive? What do I LOVE doing? I had always known, it was no question. I have pursuing the same dream for the last 9 years, and I had taken any possible career advancement that I thought would make me a better candidate for this position.

At first, I felt discouraged...I felt like I had possibly wasted a lot of time on the wrong path.

I had been listening to a lot of podcasts, from churches all over the US. And the same message from God kept coming to me. I had never before been able to truly release my heart and my bondage to Him.  He asked me to give all of my worries to Him, and for the first time ever...I did. I was restored with strength, with favor, with the power of His will. I put all my power in His word, and began to pray more than I ever had in my life. I asked Him to show me, I asked Him to give me grace in these tough times. I kept hearing the message that He had big plans for me, and I needed to trust Him.

So, I put all my trust in His plan for my life.

What I've realized in the last few months is this...all these mis-steps have prepared me to be the "best" candidate. God never makes mistakes in our life, He's always doing work in our lives. He restored my vision, and I finally saw myself as the person I had dreamt of. Through prayer I realized, that I had to believe that I could be who ever I wanted to become, because He put that dream and vision in my heart. I put my vision in front of me, and I'm pursuing it to the ends of the earth...

I had only dreamt that my dreams were with in my reach, and now they're right in front of me...

FOLLOW YOUR BLISS

we hold these truths to be self evident

"That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Life: Live the one you have dreamt of, pursue it to the ends of the earth, be who you want to become until you become that person, and then become a better version of her, BELIEVE that you are destined for great things, that there is an undeniable grander plan for your life....hunt it, capture it, become IT. 

Liberty: you have the power to be YOU, and if you don't know who YOU are...then stop at nothing until you discover your identity. Be free, free as a bird...

Pursuit of Happiness: The undeniable "American Dream". Following our every dream. Living our our every dream, freely as we have dreamt it. 

So what is your dream? Who will you become...what liberties will you take to live it?

Practical Magic

“There are some things, after all, that Sally Owens knows for certain: Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.” 

― Alice Hoffman, Practical Magic

Somewhere in my middle school years I saw Practical Magic for the first time. At that age, I was obsessed with the possibility of witchcraft. Could it be real? Could I have magical powers...maybe if I just practiced. Focused on developing my birth right....

The next time I saw the same movie, I was in my early twenties...and for me the premise of the story had changed. As I grew older, I learned that magic was the joy that you created in your own life, and "miracles" were possible if you worked hard to achieve them. The story of Practical Magic, developed differently this time in my mind, it became about the bond of sisterhood, the faith in love, and the strength of your spirit that can only be built by your family. YOU-- ultimately--defined your character as your grew older, but the core of your being, was always the inner child developed by your family. 

We all grow feeling some kind of angst towards our family--siblings, Mom, and Dad.
(If you didn't, congratulations. I did.)
In my early adult years, I was determined to shed everything my family had taught me. I would NOT be shackled to their conservative views on the world.
I would be different, I would join the 'voice' of the people.
I was determined to prove them wrong...

I'm not sure why we rebel--scratch that--i'm not sure who I was fighting my family or me. 

Fast forward the rebellion to 28, and it all comes down to practical magic. My family, as hard as I have fought them, have defined me. They have taught me all the practical magic I need to live my best life. I guess my birthright wasn't love spells, flying, or turning my enemies into frogs. (Can't I at least spin a pencil in circle just by staring at it, come on!!)

Love, faith, and family are the only spells you need to experience your own practical magic.

 "Always say please and thank you. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Be who you want to become. Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else. BE YOU. Be kind to everyone. Love has no limits."

Todd&Kathleen Hodgins

We were standing...Forsythe/Bowery

Feet on the ground. Connected to every step that I take, feeling grounded--secure.
Knowing that the best is yet to come.
Never looking back.
Overwhelmed with this childhood blindness, that keeps me going. Keeps me smiling.
I don't have to TRY to forget the past, because I live constantly in the now.
The faded memories, are like a photograph that you can no longer make out the images.
Who I am now, is everything I have wanted to become.

No fear.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saves a wretch like me...

Today, I remembered the blessings that the Lord has given me. I have lifted my prayers up to him on countless occasions, and he has never turned me away. God has a way of showing us a path, when we don't even know we need it. He is always challenging us, to be a more perfect version of ourselves...and we too are constantly challenged to be more like Him. My heart is softened by the love that He has shown me, and the He has shone on my life.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by people in my life who support me for the person I am...not the person I was, or who they want me to be...but the person my Father created and who stands here...completely imperfect. As we get older , we realize that these people become fewer and fewer. It really is quality over quantity. I am grateful, and astounded daily by the grace and the love that is bestowed upon me from my friends....

There is a light in our heart that never goes out, we can try to dim His light...but He always has a way of turning it back up.

"I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see..."


You're AMAZING

but...i said THANK YOU!

Today, I am thankful.
These are the things I am thankful for...

• This beautiful place that I found myself back in. PORTLAND, OREGON. Thankful for the route that helped me get here. It was filled with mistakes, and I'll probably continue to make some of them. I'm only human, not perfect.
•  My big heart. It's loved and been loved back..and in the times where the hurt felt like it would never end...it felt again. I am so aware of it's power. It's desire to love infinitely. 
• My FAMILY...those people who love me no matter what
• This insatiable sweet tooth I've acquired. CANDY...you can run, but you can't hide from me.
• Local Natives-Hummingbird
• Creativity

Babel

Hello 2013!

 We're only a few days in, and I can see that you are going to give me a run for my money this year. It's true, huh?

 "I stretch my arms into the sky I cry, Babel, Babel look at me now"

 I reflect back on 2012 with a warm heart, and a big smile. I can honestly say, I am for the first time in my life completely comfortable in my own skin. I can stand firm with my feet planted into the earth, grounded and humbled. There are always going to be speed bumps along the way, things reminding me to slow down. I'm constantly reminded of my vision for my best life, and challenged to keep on that path. This doesn't mean I am perfect, or that I am with out fault. I am, and I think that's the best part about 2012--being able to admit where I am wrong. Taking responsibility for all my faults for the first time in my adult life. It sure as hell doesn't feel good all the time, but guess what...I'm getting closer to the light...closer...and closer.

 When I came back to Portland in June, I wanted things to go back to the way they were when I lived here before. Same friends, same places, doing the same things, living the life of a 24 year old. Unfortunately, I am not that insecure 24 year old from before. A girl of irresponsibility and a passion for the next big thrill. Someone who would never say she was sorry, or take responsibility for her actions. That girl, I feel for the most part is gone. She shows her face every once in awhile, we can only strive to be perfect, we can never truly be there. I am now an almost 30 something, who is demanding her best life. Who is planning methodically for that, and what have I learned? That all those old friends, and old places...are just that OLD. I lived my life for the first time when I set foot on to the snowy grounds of SLC. I was isolated, and determined. Determined to be a better version of myself...why would I abandon that to rekindle flames that have burnt out years ago? It's true what they say...you can't go back.

 Living my best life in 2013 means keeping my feet firmly planted on this path. It means standing up with integrity, and choosing what's best for me. It means taking responsibility of things, and saying to myself 'this will never happen again', and not faltering. A few months ago I heard that you are the 6 people you are closest with. These 6 people share the same common vision for my life, it's time to start fresh. Moving forward in 2013. "

Cause I'll know my weakness, know my voice, and I'll believe in grace and choice,and I know perhaps my heart is fast--But I’ll be borne without a mask"

the Runaway

It's funny how our memory works.

Omitting anything bad, and only letting the good things really shine in the light.

Maybe this isn't so bad after all?

Unfortunately, it leads to forgetfulness. It's makes you unclear of how you've made it from point A to point B. In my case, exactly how I ended up here...

Writing this...

thinking about the same damn thing over and over again, playing the memories like a bad movie that I can't stop watching...again...and again.

It makes me wonder...

Maybe all the memories are really good. Did anything short of love really happen between us? Maybe...just maybe it was a good year, and when I look back on this year that I'm currently living...I'll think the same thing.

Sometimes, I think deep inside myself...I can feel each rise and fall of my chest, and I pretend that I can feel you...doing the same thing too.

I get caught up, just wondering.

Wondering where you are? Who you are? What you are doing? Where you might be going? Who you are with?
Wondering, all the time...

(but not really all the time anymore, just sometimes...like this)

What you think of me, if you think of me...if there's even a margin of hope that you could still possibly be one of the strongest lights in my life.

You did LIGHT up my life. I just needed to turn you off, so I could have some time to find my own light.

and I have, it seems that I might just be living my best life.. All the light in my life doesn't stop me...

 Doesn't stop me from thinking of you, where ever you are...

Let Her Go

I've always been whatever my age is going on--fifty. Always acting like I had all the answers...never wanting to be wrong, always demanding to be right. (Don't act surprised.)

I once told a good friend..."you can never truly be great until you humble yourself." Funny how we can articulate the most poignant of  words, and not really listen to them ourselves. At that point in my life, I don't think I had lived a humble moment. It took states between, and time to pass for me to truly understand what the world 'humble' meant. I'm not saying at 27 that I have even began to experience life, really I have only just arrived. Happiness called out my name, and for the first time I chose to hear it. I decided to stop pretending I was great, and actually become it...and I've got a WAYS to go.

I write this tonight, to say this...I am truly humbled. Constantly amazed at this crazy train I call my life, stuck in this dream that I am truly living in. I'm ready for everything that life has to offer me...I can stand tall today and say...
I'm here.

maybe this is a love letter

I'm writing this letter to you.
Maybe, you'll read it. Maybe, you won't.
Hello, from here in the deep dark green trees.
Hi, to you in the land of bees.
I can still hear the sound of your voice, the hoarse in your throat as we slowly let each other go.
It seems like yesterday, we met in the snow.
A kiss on the lips, I'll never let go.
I'm sorry for this awkward recount of memory lane, it seems to be all I can recall when I try to remember the bad things.
Here I sit, pen to the paper...trying to decide how I lost her--you.
Every memory falls away like the first kiss, I keep wondering how the hell we came to this.
I'm here, far away enough to forget about you and me.
Love came easy, and left just as quickly.
No more sad story, I'm writing to say...
Today I realized I was going to be okay, I let you go but I was still holding on.
So go, because I'm gone.

look at me, with your old, old eyes.

I have this amazing sense of optimism, I never realized I had.
Maybe it's the transition. Maybe it's the sudden change.
This is exactly what I needed.
I was ready to let go. Close the chapter, and begin writing a new one.
The past is a faded memory.
I'm thankful for each and every experience. The people, the love that I shared, getting my heartbroken, almost losing everything...and guess what..realizing all along...that I had the STRENGTH to pick up all the pieces, and put ME back together the way I wanted.

I wish I could say, NO REGRETS.
We all have them, and it's a lie if we say we don't.
Do I wish that you were still sitting next to me, for right now...yes.
You made me a better person.
Or maybe our experience was the key to me becoming this person.

All I can do is move ahead. Never look back.
and when you want to remember me...and when I want to remember you...look to they sky that we share.

I will remember your face, because I am still in love with that place

I kept telling myself, there's nothing wrong with me. I kept wondering how I could learn from the situation. Reflecting, trying daily to be better.

Today I realized, I was better, there was nothing wrong with me, and whatever I had to learn...I already had.

It's funny how you can still be in love with a place in your life, and at the same time realize the love that still lingers in your heart, is attached to the sentiment in those moments. The past is always so good at making us forget how we ended up--here.

Most days, I know I still could fall in love with you a million times...unfortunately I've just learned to love myself more.

"When the stars are the only thing we share, will you be there? I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands. I'm gonna turn, gonna listen to the lessons that I've learned."

"I toured the light; so many foreign roads for Emma, forever ago."

Poignant at times and utterly chaotic at the others, we find ourselves tearing through the pages of life. Frantically we are writing our story, unknowing of what may be on the next page. The unknown, can be terrifying. It can send us into an emotional tailspin, ripping out chapters we have finished...forcing us to rewrite them again.

 Sometimes we are forced to relive an experience, until we fully conquer it. I can stand here today finishing this last chapter and say...I've conquered what I did not before understand. I feel alive--truly. A feeling, I can't say I recognized before. This is exactly the best life, I had imagined for myself, and damn...it's been a journey getting here.

The people a long the way, that have graced the pages of this chapter of my life...will have a profound effect on this next chapter that I am getting ready to embark on.

All the pain, makes sense. All the self loathing, the jealousy, the endless quirks of my ever evolving personality, well it's just that...a work in progress. I have learned, that to love you must love yourself. I do--I know it.

 The girl, I was...she was amazing too. She is the reason, I am where I am today. She fought for me. As I write her story, and bring it to an end...I know that each element of my life, has purpose for where I end up. So I look to the light, remember that even when it feels so bad...it will soon make sense...and it's all for a greater good.

Here's to my early and mid twenties!! I can officially find peace in saying...I know who I am, and I am ready to let her shine. May this next chapter be as enlightening as all the ones the prefaced it...

On letting go, and me.

I have no doubt in my mind, that the last year of my life was a detour that I had to take. To solve the mystery, to fill in some pieces of myself that I was missing, but to ultimately realize that I wasn't quite as healed as I thought I was.
That being said, I am remembering what it was like to live in the NOW. To only live in the real moments, and not waste valuable time dwelling on the things that are so far out of our control.
Once I woke up, I realized I was truly awake. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I had seen everything just as it was. But I was selfish, I let my ego, and my mind get the best of me. It destroyed me, I found myself back in the same weak spot...insecurity, doubt...ego driven. I let myself spiral completely beyond control. Like a tornado destroys a small town, I destroyed a small part of myself that I had so diligently fixed. It's been an amazing wake-up call, to realize that even though a lesson can be learned, sometimes you have to learn it all over again...to know...that maybe you weren't quite fixed in the first place. I am realizing that our mind, is a constant work in progress. All to often, it truly gets the best of us. We have to be strong enough to control the elements...to say "Is this item, thought or response moving me closer to my vision of my best life? If it doesn't what is it doing in my life?"
The minute I started to refocus on MY vision of MY best life, I was replaced on the path that I had so mindlessly detoured from. It's like all the pieces are falling back into place, doors have opened that I thought were shut forever. I am realizing that I am the most important element in my life, and guess what...I've always loved myself. I just get caught up in loving others too much, that I put me on the back burner. I won't stand for being there anymore. I won't be scared to stand out. To remove things from my life that don't make me feel good. And to always stay strong in my convictions. If it isn't getting me to where I want to be, then I want nothing to do with it.
I realize the selfishness in my actions. I wanted to be loved so bad, that I didn't care. I wanted to prove to myself, that love was real in the real world, and I wasn't going to let a bad breakup take that from me. I don't regret feeling that, I just know that I couldn't have possibly invested in love the way I would like to--I invested in infatuation, in EGO, and in time. I realize that I really did have to go down this detour to realize that I have faults, that I have some serious growing to continue doing. That I am strong when I stand alone, that I am bigger than the things, people, and places that I have let myself go. That I am really meant for greater things, and I have to work diligently everyday, to continue to travel down this road I am on.
Watch out world...if you ever had a doubt in your mind...let it go.

How can I love, when I'm afraid?

It's true what they say, Mother knows best. My Mom always seems to find the words to calm my spirit, and put ease on my heart.
Her wise words tonight, put me one step closer. To what? I have no idea. I believe, I can find what I am looking for if I keep my eyes wide open.
Maybe all these years, I have been distracted. I've been distracted by the fear or the unknown. It's forced me to keep my eyes shut. How many times have I passed the path I was meant to be on? I am not letting my best life pass me by anymore...
I am here, and I am ready to start this journey. No fear, no regret. Letting love surround me in all corners...I really have the best support system in the world.

If you don't love yourself, how the hell can you love someone else?

sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing are the same

Lately, I've wished I could be invisible. I've wished that I could go back to my normal routine, and forget everything that lay in the past. What is it about me, that I can't seem to set free my mind when it is in such turmoil? Why must I dwell so much? When will I see the light...
I keep telling myself, that I have seen that light at the end of the tunnel. I remember that last time I saw it so clearly, maybe that's what scary, I know it wasn't easy. I'm standing in the middle of the same room, unable to move, as it spins around me at a rapid speed. There's a constant knot in my throat, burning in my eyes, quiver in my lips. I know
I am, but I am trying to remember who I was--alone.
Mostly, I am terrified. Scared of the journey that lies ahead of me, scared to watch someone I care about so deeply turn away for me. Loving someone still, when they don't love you anymore. I wish I could turn it off, I will get there...with time, I just wish it was right now.

Highway of Endless Dreams

7 AM dusty road...I'm gonna drive til it burns my bones...

I need to go on a drive, I need to clear my head...everything is so out of place, and cluttered.

As each empty miles reads on your speedometer, the road seems eternally endless. Full of curves, and obstacles, but always promising for you never know what is around the corner.

Where do you go from here?

Isn't it funny, that just when you feel like your life is on a high note. Something has to go and knock you down?

now is all we have

I have lost focus of the NOW. Continuously dwelling in the ego driven world of the past, and present. Trying to take grip of the future, when I have no control and am not conscious of the present. I need to get back to the ground, stay anchored, be the moment, be the now... ACCEPT WHAT IS.

Here are some things I am trying to REMEMBER...

ACCEPT WHAT IS

Through forgiveness which means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past and allowing the present moment to be AS IT IS.

When you are fully conscious, drama does NOT come into your life.

Relinquish all judgement

Wherever you are, be there TOTALLY.

Are you polluting the world, or cleaning up the mess?

THE PRESENT MOMENT IS ALL YOU EVER HAVE.
TRANSFORM YOUR THINKING.

-I am excited to get back in touch with my being, and re-live my life in the now-