Highway of Endless Dreams

7 AM dusty road...I'm gonna drive til it burns my bones...

I need to go on a drive, I need to clear my head...everything is so out of place, and cluttered.

As each empty miles reads on your speedometer, the road seems eternally endless. Full of curves, and obstacles, but always promising for you never know what is around the corner.

Where do you go from here?

Isn't it funny, that just when you feel like your life is on a high note. Something has to go and knock you down?

now is all we have

I have lost focus of the NOW. Continuously dwelling in the ego driven world of the past, and present. Trying to take grip of the future, when I have no control and am not conscious of the present. I need to get back to the ground, stay anchored, be the moment, be the now... ACCEPT WHAT IS.

Here are some things I am trying to REMEMBER...

ACCEPT WHAT IS

Through forgiveness which means recognizing the insubstantiality of the past and allowing the present moment to be AS IT IS.

When you are fully conscious, drama does NOT come into your life.

Relinquish all judgement

Wherever you are, be there TOTALLY.

Are you polluting the world, or cleaning up the mess?

THE PRESENT MOMENT IS ALL YOU EVER HAVE.
TRANSFORM YOUR THINKING.

-I am excited to get back in touch with my being, and re-live my life in the now-

FASHION

Follow my Fashion/Music Blog @ Gildeddoe.blogspot.com

i am here, now.

It's April, and it's still snowing here in SLC. It's not sticking to the ground, but the flakes are giant, and making the outside look more intimidating than it actually is. It was this time last year, that I finally felt whole again. Looking back to it now, it seems impossible that I could have been in a place of such heavy sorrow.
I have this incredible passion for living in the moment. I have never been in this place before. The worry, and the doubt tend to fade away when I am here. There's no sense of knowing what is to come, or no sense of desire for that feeling either. I have begun to wonder if not worrying about the future is my new scapegoat. Does it make me seem irresponsible and flighty to those around me? I don't know, but I do know that I feel more alive than ever. Mending the broken pieces of my mind here and there, filling in the holes where I once doubted everything I did, living in the moments, living...breathing...for the first time, every time.
Here I go, continuing on this path of a twenty-something year old girl, emptying my baggage of the past, to find that a whole new tenacity for the moment.

http://oneeighttwozeros.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html

Black holes

Last night, I got reintroduced to a side of myself, that I thought I was never going to see again. She is self doubting and self loathing. I can barely make out my face when she's around. It felt like I got impacted at a thousand miles an hour. My mind began to float into a cloud of emptiness and confusion, my whole body felt heavy and i knew exactly what I needed to say, but I wasn't ready to face the reality of my own words. I know now that something within me is not quite fixed yet. Love can be grown, but it can also be destroyed.

For the most part, I know I hate conflict. I dislike being put in situations that make me uncomfortable. I resent the people who put me there. I never want to get hurt again. I never want to be in a place of self doubt induced destruction. I think thoureau said it best, when he said,"There is no remedy for love,but to love more."

I know that life is about being taken out o your comfort zone. Dealing with new situations, like riding a bike for the first time. Embracing the emotions that come along with it, and realizing they are neither right nor wrong. Feeling is good, emotion is real. It's all part of life's ongoing lesson.

Where do I go from here? Do I build up my walls and crawl inside them to protect my own selfish emotions? Either way i need some time to think, and I guess that has to be good for now.

"We are the bright new stars born of a screaming black hole, the nascent suns burst from the darkness, from the grasping void of space that folds and swallows--a darkness that would devour anyone not as strong as we. We are oddities, sideshows, talk show subjects. We capture everyone's imagination."
— Dave Eggers (A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius)


I find myself in this weird space of self doubt. Comparing myself to things I dont know, nor have any real solid control over. It makes my heart drop. I never thought i'd let my mind go here again. I feel so much stronger, so much more in tune with my own wavelength. I guess we never fully overcome, just slowly dealing. Build up the walls to tear them down, to build them up stronger again.

I'm afraid of myself..

It's been far to long since I have written on here. I feel so focused and directive with my life at this point. Reminding myself everyday to stay grounded, and not to over analyze every minut aspect of my life. I've come so far. I feel so asserted in the person I am. Comfortable in my own skin for the first time in what seems like forever. This journey has been incredible, and at times nothing short of twisted. I kept reminding myself that there would be a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm finally living on that light, with a couple shades of dark moments here and there.