machine dreams

I promised myself, I wouldn't ever let myself get hurt again.
And I won't.
Time to cut another person off, before we even really get started. Gotta keep the walls up.
I am not here on this earth to frustrate people, or upset them.
I wanna make someone happy.
I think we will find each other eventually.

Anna Jewel

Today my Granny left us. She died peacefully in her sleep.
I remember Granny from a very young age, I loved her so much and would cry whenever we had to leave there house in Savannah. She would tell me stories, that she painted so beautifully with her words. She loved me unconditionally.
When Granny had her stroke when I was 13, my heart broke. I never thought I would lose her, I never thought she wouldn't be able to tell me a story. We moved away from South Carolina a few years later, and I became a teenager and forgot all about my Granny.
For years I have told myself, I have to get back to Savannah I need to be there with Granny and Papa before they die. I know that sounds really morbid to say, but it's true. Now I just feel so guilty. I haven't been there in almost 4 years.
A week ago I should have went to tell her Goodbye when she was still here...and I didn't.

My dearest Granny, I love you so much...I know you are up there looking over me, I miss you.

we use to wait

Do you ever go against all the feelings that you are feeling in your gut?
Ignore your instincts?
Disregard your intuition?

I do it all the time.
I always wanna believe people are good.

I think that's what hurts the most, the bruising of your ego. Knowing that you were completely wrong about something or someone. Letting your weaknesses get the best of you, falling for everything, and falling into all kinds of things you thought you were stronger than.

Remember when we climbed to the top of that cape? Up there I felt like our love was infinite. In those perfect moments, it felt like the earth stopped moving. I had found my soul mate. "Whatever our souls were made of, his and mine were the same." Funny how a year changes everything.

I couldn't even look at you if I saw you. I wouldn't even recognize you if you were standing in front of me. You are the shell of a love, now lost. Stagnating in the depths of my memory, haunting that moment in time.

I feel more whole now than I have in the last 7 months. Still waiting to feel like myself again, missing you less day to day...it's more like once a week. I remember how you used to look at me, I remember when you used to love me...I remember the day it all fell apart. I could never say I am glad it happened, but I wouldn't change the way it's impacted me so far this year for everything. I am different.

I am a new improved version of myself, still falling down but demanding that I get back up again.

not ready, still.

It has been awhile since I felt like this. Today I realized that everything I was ever afraid of from my childhood, come out in more than I realize. From a young age I remember hearing that one day my dad just "stopped loving my mom". I never realized the impact it had one me, until this whole year started taking place.
I was always afraid that one day Taylor was just going to stop loving me.
When he broke up with me, that's what it felt like happened. That he just stopped, out of the blue.
Everything happened so quickly, that I barely had time to react.
I haven't thought about the chain of events in along time, and maybe that's been better?
The more I think, the more it doesn't makes sense.
My childhood fears, come closer and closer to the surface, seeming so accurately real.