the Runaway

It's funny how our memory works.

Omitting anything bad, and only letting the good things really shine in the light.

Maybe this isn't so bad after all?

Unfortunately, it leads to forgetfulness. It's makes you unclear of how you've made it from point A to point B. In my case, exactly how I ended up here...

Writing this...

thinking about the same damn thing over and over again, playing the memories like a bad movie that I can't stop watching...again...and again.

It makes me wonder...

Maybe all the memories are really good. Did anything short of love really happen between us? Maybe...just maybe it was a good year, and when I look back on this year that I'm currently living...I'll think the same thing.

Sometimes, I think deep inside myself...I can feel each rise and fall of my chest, and I pretend that I can feel you...doing the same thing too.

I get caught up, just wondering.

Wondering where you are? Who you are? What you are doing? Where you might be going? Who you are with?
Wondering, all the time...

(but not really all the time anymore, just sometimes...like this)

What you think of me, if you think of me...if there's even a margin of hope that you could still possibly be one of the strongest lights in my life.

You did LIGHT up my life. I just needed to turn you off, so I could have some time to find my own light.

and I have, it seems that I might just be living my best life.. All the light in my life doesn't stop me...

 Doesn't stop me from thinking of you, where ever you are...

Let Her Go

I've always been whatever my age is going on--fifty. Always acting like I had all the answers...never wanting to be wrong, always demanding to be right. (Don't act surprised.)

I once told a good friend..."you can never truly be great until you humble yourself." Funny how we can articulate the most poignant of  words, and not really listen to them ourselves. At that point in my life, I don't think I had lived a humble moment. It took states between, and time to pass for me to truly understand what the world 'humble' meant. I'm not saying at 27 that I have even began to experience life, really I have only just arrived. Happiness called out my name, and for the first time I chose to hear it. I decided to stop pretending I was great, and actually become it...and I've got a WAYS to go.

I write this tonight, to say this...I am truly humbled. Constantly amazed at this crazy train I call my life, stuck in this dream that I am truly living in. I'm ready for everything that life has to offer me...I can stand tall today and say...
I'm here.

maybe this is a love letter

I'm writing this letter to you.
Maybe, you'll read it. Maybe, you won't.
Hello, from here in the deep dark green trees.
Hi, to you in the land of bees.
I can still hear the sound of your voice, the hoarse in your throat as we slowly let each other go.
It seems like yesterday, we met in the snow.
A kiss on the lips, I'll never let go.
I'm sorry for this awkward recount of memory lane, it seems to be all I can recall when I try to remember the bad things.
Here I sit, pen to the paper...trying to decide how I lost her--you.
Every memory falls away like the first kiss, I keep wondering how the hell we came to this.
I'm here, far away enough to forget about you and me.
Love came easy, and left just as quickly.
No more sad story, I'm writing to say...
Today I realized I was going to be okay, I let you go but I was still holding on.
So go, because I'm gone.

look at me, with your old, old eyes.

I have this amazing sense of optimism, I never realized I had.
Maybe it's the transition. Maybe it's the sudden change.
This is exactly what I needed.
I was ready to let go. Close the chapter, and begin writing a new one.
The past is a faded memory.
I'm thankful for each and every experience. The people, the love that I shared, getting my heartbroken, almost losing everything...and guess what..realizing all along...that I had the STRENGTH to pick up all the pieces, and put ME back together the way I wanted.

I wish I could say, NO REGRETS.
We all have them, and it's a lie if we say we don't.
Do I wish that you were still sitting next to me, for right now...yes.
You made me a better person.
Or maybe our experience was the key to me becoming this person.

All I can do is move ahead. Never look back.
and when you want to remember me...and when I want to remember you...look to they sky that we share.

I will remember your face, because I am still in love with that place

I kept telling myself, there's nothing wrong with me. I kept wondering how I could learn from the situation. Reflecting, trying daily to be better.

Today I realized, I was better, there was nothing wrong with me, and whatever I had to learn...I already had.

It's funny how you can still be in love with a place in your life, and at the same time realize the love that still lingers in your heart, is attached to the sentiment in those moments. The past is always so good at making us forget how we ended up--here.

Most days, I know I still could fall in love with you a million times...unfortunately I've just learned to love myself more.

"When the stars are the only thing we share, will you be there? I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands. I'm gonna turn, gonna listen to the lessons that I've learned."

"I toured the light; so many foreign roads for Emma, forever ago."

Poignant at times and utterly chaotic at the others, we find ourselves tearing through the pages of life. Frantically we are writing our story, unknowing of what may be on the next page. The unknown, can be terrifying. It can send us into an emotional tailspin, ripping out chapters we have finished...forcing us to rewrite them again.

 Sometimes we are forced to relive an experience, until we fully conquer it. I can stand here today finishing this last chapter and say...I've conquered what I did not before understand. I feel alive--truly. A feeling, I can't say I recognized before. This is exactly the best life, I had imagined for myself, and damn...it's been a journey getting here.

The people a long the way, that have graced the pages of this chapter of my life...will have a profound effect on this next chapter that I am getting ready to embark on.

All the pain, makes sense. All the self loathing, the jealousy, the endless quirks of my ever evolving personality, well it's just that...a work in progress. I have learned, that to love you must love yourself. I do--I know it.

 The girl, I was...she was amazing too. She is the reason, I am where I am today. She fought for me. As I write her story, and bring it to an end...I know that each element of my life, has purpose for where I end up. So I look to the light, remember that even when it feels so bad...it will soon make sense...and it's all for a greater good.

Here's to my early and mid twenties!! I can officially find peace in saying...I know who I am, and I am ready to let her shine. May this next chapter be as enlightening as all the ones the prefaced it...

On letting go, and me.

I have no doubt in my mind, that the last year of my life was a detour that I had to take. To solve the mystery, to fill in some pieces of myself that I was missing, but to ultimately realize that I wasn't quite as healed as I thought I was.
That being said, I am remembering what it was like to live in the NOW. To only live in the real moments, and not waste valuable time dwelling on the things that are so far out of our control.
Once I woke up, I realized I was truly awake. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I had seen everything just as it was. But I was selfish, I let my ego, and my mind get the best of me. It destroyed me, I found myself back in the same weak spot...insecurity, doubt...ego driven. I let myself spiral completely beyond control. Like a tornado destroys a small town, I destroyed a small part of myself that I had so diligently fixed. It's been an amazing wake-up call, to realize that even though a lesson can be learned, sometimes you have to learn it all over again...to know...that maybe you weren't quite fixed in the first place. I am realizing that our mind, is a constant work in progress. All to often, it truly gets the best of us. We have to be strong enough to control the elements...to say "Is this item, thought or response moving me closer to my vision of my best life? If it doesn't what is it doing in my life?"
The minute I started to refocus on MY vision of MY best life, I was replaced on the path that I had so mindlessly detoured from. It's like all the pieces are falling back into place, doors have opened that I thought were shut forever. I am realizing that I am the most important element in my life, and guess what...I've always loved myself. I just get caught up in loving others too much, that I put me on the back burner. I won't stand for being there anymore. I won't be scared to stand out. To remove things from my life that don't make me feel good. And to always stay strong in my convictions. If it isn't getting me to where I want to be, then I want nothing to do with it.
I realize the selfishness in my actions. I wanted to be loved so bad, that I didn't care. I wanted to prove to myself, that love was real in the real world, and I wasn't going to let a bad breakup take that from me. I don't regret feeling that, I just know that I couldn't have possibly invested in love the way I would like to--I invested in infatuation, in EGO, and in time. I realize that I really did have to go down this detour to realize that I have faults, that I have some serious growing to continue doing. That I am strong when I stand alone, that I am bigger than the things, people, and places that I have let myself go. That I am really meant for greater things, and I have to work diligently everyday, to continue to travel down this road I am on.
Watch out world...if you ever had a doubt in your mind...let it go.

How can I love, when I'm afraid?

It's true what they say, Mother knows best. My Mom always seems to find the words to calm my spirit, and put ease on my heart.
Her wise words tonight, put me one step closer. To what? I have no idea. I believe, I can find what I am looking for if I keep my eyes wide open.
Maybe all these years, I have been distracted. I've been distracted by the fear or the unknown. It's forced me to keep my eyes shut. How many times have I passed the path I was meant to be on? I am not letting my best life pass me by anymore...
I am here, and I am ready to start this journey. No fear, no regret. Letting love surround me in all corners...I really have the best support system in the world.

If you don't love yourself, how the hell can you love someone else?

sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing are the same

Lately, I've wished I could be invisible. I've wished that I could go back to my normal routine, and forget everything that lay in the past. What is it about me, that I can't seem to set free my mind when it is in such turmoil? Why must I dwell so much? When will I see the light...
I keep telling myself, that I have seen that light at the end of the tunnel. I remember that last time I saw it so clearly, maybe that's what scary, I know it wasn't easy. I'm standing in the middle of the same room, unable to move, as it spins around me at a rapid speed. There's a constant knot in my throat, burning in my eyes, quiver in my lips. I know
I am, but I am trying to remember who I was--alone.
Mostly, I am terrified. Scared of the journey that lies ahead of me, scared to watch someone I care about so deeply turn away for me. Loving someone still, when they don't love you anymore. I wish I could turn it off, I will get there...with time, I just wish it was right now.