SLC

This morning it is snowing in Salt Lake City. This is so surreal to me. I can't even believe it. Probably to people who have grown up here all there lives, this is nothing.

I am in the process of planning my big 25th birthday party in Portland. It looks like I will for sure be staying at the Jupiter Hotel...put your party pants on people!

I'm still afraid I am becoming bitter and jaded in terms of this break up stuff. I generally think all dudes are liars. Prove to me that statement isn't true and I'll write you a check for 1,000 dollars. But let's get real. You and I both know I am right. What kind of guy cheats on his girlfriend? A liar. What kind of guy moves in with a girl, and then doesn't come home for weeks? A liar. What kind of guy hangs out with a girl, and then go visits another girl in a another city? A liar. What the point guys? Who are you protecting? Just your own ridiculous insecurities? I mean that's what it boils down to, right? You need validation at every point, so you get it whenever you can. Never thinking of the consequence, or rather...never caring about the consequence. You're selfish, and insecure.

Let's talk about this guy I hung out with a few times recently. On face value, he seemed normal, even different than the loser brigade that I've been known to fall for. He was clean cut, and looked like the majority of his clothes may have come from abercrombie and fitch...(can you believe it...haha). I decided to give this kid the green light, take a chance on the norm. He worked at a record store that won't be named, so I assumed he would know something about music. MISTAKE # 1. This guy, didn't know dick about music, so much for working in a record store. Anyone who is into swollen members and bayside probably should find employment elsewhere, in my opinion at least. So I find this music piece out at the said record store, but I don't let it phase me. I'm trying to get away from my norm, and this swollen members super fan is definitely different than my status quo. The hangouts...that's right that's plural. As if I couldn't learn the first time that this guy just wanted to get in my pants, I went for round two. The first round doesn't really matter cause I'll tell you it was months before we hung out again. I figured it was just me, and I was still to hung up on my break up and this guy was subjected to my wrath in this way. We hang out again, and right from the door I can tell that this crazy SOB has that look in his eye. I'm talking strung out. LOCO. We go round and round about what to do for a few minutes, and then psycho abercrombie record boy informs me that he's snorted a bunch of xanax and just wants to lay down for a second. (winner city, i love these people aka they love me) Four hours later, I am shaking and hitting him screaming at him that he has to leave and to freaking wake up. He starts talking all this gibberish about a guy named chris, and proceeds to pass out in my bed now. I keep thinking to myself...is this a god damn joke!!! Long story short it took me about another hour to get rid of this creep, don't worry I promptly locked the door as soon as it hit his ass. This dude was crazy!!! For the last week he will call and tell me that he is by my house, or is coming over...yikes. Crazy can be kind of endearing, buy psychotic abercrombie record boy...I don't have an ounce of endearment in my heart for you.

This morning it is snowing in Salt Lake City. This is so surreal to me. I can't even believe it. Probably to people who have grown up here all there lives, this is nothing.

I am in the process of planning my big 25th birthday

bye

sunday

Sometimes I feel like my days off are the worst possible days for me. I just have to sit around and think. Today I did try and stay really busy, and it was pretty successful for the most part. I went to Decades and got some MORE really cool vintage jewelry. AS IF I really needed anymore. It's my new drug. Oh man. Then I went to slowtrain to spend the rest of my lovely little certificate. Had to go and by the busta rhymes record single. It'll be fun once the summer comes.
I'm longing so much for summer. COME ALREADY! I'm currently on the hunt for a new form of transportation. I wish I didn't live so far away from work, because I would probably just bike it or walk. Unfortunately it's way to far, and that's just not gonna work. Dang it.
I think the volvo is toast, and since I can't get a certain someone to respond to me. I'm saying fuck it. I'm over it. It has really bad energy, and every time I am in it. I can literally smell him. GROSS. No thanks.
Other than that. Things are on the up. I am feeling more and more stable as each day zoom's by, and my birthday is literally right around the corner. Time to start making plans.

Psychotic Reaction

I feel so lucky to be surrounded by the best friends a girl could really every have.

Sophia is definitely my rock.
We have so much in common, and she always helps me shed light on things that I try to get all clouded up.
She's a nice healthy dose of reality.
Everyday I am learning so much about myself.

I have no time for time wasters.

I am thankful for the experiences I have been given this year, I know they are going to help me have a great 25. Wow, can't believe I am really going to be 25. CRAZY.
24 was interesting. I learned to love. I learned to let go. I learned that we meet people for reasons that sometimes we are unclear on. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. It's about what we take from the experience that helps us grow, and truly shapes us. I've learned that it's okay to make mistakes. It's fine to fall flat on your face and hit rock bottom, but you have to dig deep to find the strength to pick yourself back up again.

I know that I am never going to have all the answers. That I can only truly know myself as much as I allow.

This last year was a roadblock in so many ways, but maybe it was really just a little speed bump. Now I have all the tools to forge full force ahead. I have to remember that I truly am great. That I have so much to offer this world, and nothing and no one can stop me.

I don't want to get too much into all the obstacles I have let myself face in the last year, but I did LET myself face them. Now I know how to stop them. How to say this is unacceptable in the beginning.

wtf.

I realize now, I couldn't change you.
I saw those pictures from 2 new years ago...I should have known better.
Your ex-girlfriend staged a intervention for you.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I realize now, that the things I let myself be around in the last year, are socially unacceptable. I won't stand by and pretend that those things aren't a big deal. THEY ARE. They are NOT okay. Not by any means.

I feel like I am literally suffocating right now. Everything is at a stand still. I can feel prickles all over my body, my ears are ringing.

What is this? What is this emotion that I am always feeling? It literally makes me sick, makes me anxious...makes me regret everything.

what in the hell

DEAR LIFE...

When do I give up all hope and claim defeat?
At what point do I turn around and say that SLC defeated me?

babe.

I totally regret emailing him, and calling him.
What was I thinking?
I guess for a second I thought we could be normal again.
I still know I didn't do anything wrong.
So I guess...
That's the worst part.
Living with the pain of something, that doesn't quite make sense.
Most days I find a way to hate him.
Find away to cast him out of my mind.
My heart still aches. My emotions still on the verge..

Oh. Remember that it's over.
I have these great friends who want to build me up.
I've got to start tearing down these walls.

control

I feel so free. I feel like I can finally start living my life all over again. It's liberating. It's done. We're over. I know this all now in my mind, and I feel it in my heart. I still think about it, and it's still gonna make me sad and anxious. But it's freeing.

I really do feel like I am moving on. I have so much to live for, and I've been wasting all my time worrying about you.
Not anymore DUDE.

bye.

Now you are moving.
I guess this means I can come home.
I don't have to be scared that I might run into you anymore.
Or worry that you think it was intentional.

There is no odor so bad as that which arises from goodness tainted.

Today was supposed to be my first therapy session with my new therapist.
I didn't go.
For a moment, I felt like...I'm fine.
I'm just over reacting, and I don't really need to "talk" to anyone.
The day seemed fine.
I was distracted.
Happy.
For a moment.
Something shifted this evening, and now I am really regretful. I should have gone. I am not okay. I can't do this on my own. I miss him. I miss him more than words can describe.

Exisentialism

One second.
One minute.
One hour.
A Day.

I've slept pretty soundly the last couple nights. Waking up frequently to the panic. To my heart racing. Waking from a dream of him. I guess nightmares shouldn't really be called dreams. Sometimes, he still loves me in them. Sometimes they are mere recollections of the way things were.

"oh to have you than to lose you, makes me wish I'd never been born."

Remember?

It's weird to feel forgotten. To try to forget all the things that someone else has cast from there mind. Where did we begin? How did it all come to an end?

Who's fault is it? Or is anyone ever really at fault at all?

Is there a lesson in all of this, do the clouds clear and everything just "makes sense"?

I doubt it. I'm still here. Still recollecting, pondering, longing, waiting...waiting. Always waiting.

Sometimes when the sadness is too much, I hold myself really tightly and think about you telling me that "everything is going to work out, and I don't need to worry."

Nothing worked out. I should have never stopped worrying.

The ghost of us, it haunts me. It lingers in my footsteps. I can hear you, I always hear you.

Everything has changed.
I am changing.
I am turning into someone who is jaded.
How could I let myself be so vulnerable.
How did I let myself fall in love?
I should have been smarter.
I should have worried.
I should have known.
You lied.
You hurt me.
You said you never would.
You never wanted to hurt me.
Than why did you continue?
How could you crush me like this?

We never existed. It was all a lie.

mess me up.

How does it begin?
It knocks the wind out of you.
For the moment, you're floating through the air.
As long as it can last.
That feeling, feels so good.
It's love.
Easily you become addicted.
Craving it.
Tasting it on your lips.
Feeling it radiating through your fingertips.
It's true love.
Forever.
He is your mirror image.
Whatever is in your hearts.
You two's are the same.
The mirror breaks.
The image fades.
Nothing is ever as it seems.

dreaming is easy when you're dying

The last couple nights, I have actually got a decent night's sleep. I still wake up every few hours and have little mini freak outs, where my heart starts racing and my mind starts racing even faster.
It's hard not to think about things. It's hard to not look so far back in the rear view mirror.
This morning, I kept thinking about that beach trip.
I'm starting to remember the bad things.
Unfortunately I can't remember the time frames.

I miss laying on the couch together.
I miss getting growlers at hopworks.
I miss going on drives.
I miss the ocean.
I miss the ocean with you.
I miss the color of your eyes, the deepness of our stares.

Most of all I miss me, can I have her back?
She said she wants to come home.

THE WAR

Why can't I see the good things I have? Why do I spend every spare moment looking in the rearview mirror? I can't change what has happened. Even if I try really hard. Everyone knows, when something comes to an end..there's no going back.

Yet, my heart still aches. I literally always have this knot in my throat. One mention of it, and that's it. I'm losing it. It's been 2 months. I feel like I'm worst of than I was in the beginning.

Before, I was denying everything. Hanging on to the hopes that something would give. Now, reality has settled. I know now, that nothing could change the course of the way things are going. I think that hurts more than anything. I can't change it. It's happening. It's all really happening.

How can you still love someone, when they've let you go?

top of the teton

Way up here, I feel this huge release coming over me. I feel like I can just let my emotions over flow, way up here. Can you hear me?
LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN.
It's still as if the weight hasn't been lifted off my chest.
Way up here.
I tried to let it go.
Tried to leave it all behind.
I'm learning I can't do that. I carry this weight with me. Letting some pieces fall away everyday. I'm dying to let this go.
let me go.

rowboat left in the rain

I feel like this enormous weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. I think I am finally in a place, where I can stop, think, and move forward. My life is truly about me at this point, and all the birdies chirping in the world couldn't stop that. I have to remember that my problems are 900 miles away, and I don't have to carry the baggage of them behind me at every cost. I am blessed enough to be in this place. This place where no one knows too much of the story. Enough where I can truly begin to move on.

I think the hardest part has been realizing the truth about things. It's like I have said in previous posts, you can never plan for you life to be completely thrown of course. And who's to say I was even on the right course to begin with? I know that everyday I am learning. I am learning that losing someone, and something you love...isn't easy. You can't plan for it, you can't expect it, it sometimes comes without warning and really catches you completely off guard. Sometimes we have to go into survival mode. Cutting off everything and everyone that reminds us of the hurt. Dwelling in ourselves, slowly but surely putting together the reality of the puzzle. It's all about what happens as we slowly piece the pieces together. What we let back in, who we let back in, and at what cost?

I am by no means alleging that tomorrow I will wake up and it'll be like that opening scene in Snow White. No, No, No. There are many more tough day's and night's in my future. I think the first step to healing, is realizing this. Accepting it. Knowing what makes me weak, trying not to trigger it. Limiting my reflection time, to a smaller and smaller part of my day when applicable.

I have to remember myself first. He is not thinking of me, with every move he makes. Delicately not trying to step on any toes, ruffle any feathers that make me look "crazy". I have to remember who I was before all of this. What made him so attracted to me...what made us fall apart...what made me move away...and how this was the impending doom all along.
I didn't want it. I didn't want that lifestyle anymore. I loved him enough to know I had to leave him there in Portland, I didn't think of him first then...because I loved myself more to know I had to go.

It's funny how love gets things all complicated. How reality gets foggy somewhere in between. I came here for a purpose. My journey just got thrown a little off path. I will always recognize the love I have in my heart for him. He filled me with so much joy, when things felt so uncertain. There's no use dwelling on the he said she said stories that came falling at my feet in the end. I can't ever prove the truth. I can't ever hate what I don't know. So what's the point of knowing anyhow? I know what we had, and I know that it's time to move on from that.

If I can be somehow grateful for having my heartbroken into a thousand tiny pieces, I guess right now I am. As much as it hurts. As much as I feel like I am grieving a death of a part of me..I am grateful. I am grateful to know that this feeling can't last forever. That love is alive in real in the world, because I had the pleasure of feeling it.

the candle burned out

I work. I get back to this place. To these walls. To this darkness. My arms hang heavy, my heart hangs heavier. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of here. I thought I was getting better. Than, for whatever reason this last week hit me like a ton of bricks.
I feel that urge again. To run away. But there's nothing to run away from here. I've got it the best I've ever had it. My career is taking off. But these feelings inside me, are causing me turmoil. I can feel that constant knot in my throat. I can't even talk about it without choking up.
I just want to run...
the farthest away I can get. Where no one knows. Where I can start over. Just like I wanted to before. You kept your grip so tight on me. I learned to love you without boundaries. With endless devotion. I've never loved so deeply. I never wanted to spend my life with someone. You were that first for me.
I never want to let those feelings go.

bah...time to rethink. time to let go. time to let the candle finally burn out. i could keep it lit for you...but you snuffed me out months ago.

holding on for dear life

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to move on from all of this. It would be a spit in the face of the truth. Everyday, I wish I could get up and feel different, be different. Wake up and not be panicing from the nightmares that taunted me through the night. Wake up, and forget he ever existed. Forget we ever existed.
Why don't memory erasers exist? I'd just like a temporary cleanslate. It's almost been 2 months, and I still can't forget. Can't forget how much I love him. How much I wish I could mend whatever is broken.
Or at least mend what is broken with in me now.
I can't even think, or look at someone else. Maybe for a second I entertain the idea, and then the tears and the tightness in my chest sets in. It builds up, it pours out.
I am letting him rule my every step. He is still everywhere to me here. I can't imagine what this would feel like if I was actually home. In our home. In our city. In the place where we created everything together.
I can smell him in that car. There's no escaping him from day to day. He's there. I can hear him reminding me to get the oil changed...I can feel him in my veins.

Is it normal to be this obsessed? I mean is that what I am? Is this how hard it is to get over a broken heart?

at the end of the day, i really know he has let me go...and the worst part...i'm still holding on for dear life.

a heartbreaking work

All this heartbreak, as got to end soon. I keep waiting for the moment, for the second. All those moments and seconds I'm enveloped in this sorrow. It's interfering with me living my life...I never realized what a huge part of me you were, until you walked away. Until you gave up on me...
How do you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone one day, and never want to talk to them the next? Where's the rationalization behind that? How is the other person supposed to cope? How the hell do I deal with that??

I want to go back...back to where we were. Back to my dreams for now...you still love me there.

i cant dooo it

I can't sleep at night, I'm thinking of you
And when you're away, I'm so blue
I'm thinking of you

I'll laugh my eyes out, I'll feel the rhythm
I'll pretend you're the reason
To make anything and everything that is scented blossom
I'll run my fingers through your hair until your eyes blink out

All night long I layed in the grass
And listened with headphones to the saddest songs
It was a spiral of a night
You were spread out across the sky
The way you skinned your knees chasing cars
They're taking you away

I'll laugh my eyes out, I'll feel the rhythm
I'll pretend you're the reason
To make anything and everything that is scented blossom
I'll run my fingers through your hair
Until your eyes blink out