I just sit here, and WONDER. Tears building up. Knot in my throat. Heart slowing down. Hands shaking. Same old, Same old.
I can’t keep on like this. It’s not getting any better, and it hurts just as much as it ever did. All the rationalization I do, isn’t enough. I feel like I have made all this progress, but you’re still there…still in my heart chipping away at what might be left…haunting my every memory.
Can’t keep it up…
Some how the last time I saw you haunts my every step. I can still see your ship leaving the docks. I can still here you whisper you love me. I can still smell your breath at the end of our goodbye kiss. “Don’t cry babe, I’ll see you soon.”
In my life. I have never felt so hated. Sometimes people have to stop being friends. That does not mean that I wish anyone who previously was dear to me, any ill will. (for the most part.) Just cause we’re not friends, doesn’t mean that you at any point get to pin anyone against me. I haven’t tried to put anyone on TEAM KELLIANA. It’s not fair to make people choose sides.
Why did Jeff have to be mean to me tonight? Why do I care? What made me decide to text him…?
I never would have if I would have realized I was on his #1…who is this…hated…LIST.
I just don’t get it. It just doesn’t make sense.
So I pose this question…with all the people in this world who think I am crazy, insecure, evil, mean…yadda yadda yadda…how do I change this perception? What is it about me, that makes people ultimately…eventually…think this??
AM I SO BAD? AM I REALLY THAT CRAZY??
I want to runaway.
FAR.
I just need to get away from my mind for a bit.
and I don’t mean go crazy.
I never deserved any of this…it doesn’t help me get over it.
eels-“i’m gonna stop pretending i didn’t break your heart”
in a million fucking pieces, i don’t even know where to stop picking them up or putting this damn thing back together
When is this going to stop? When is my heart going to stop aching?
I just want to feel normal again.
I wish I could forget what you meant to me, how much I loved you…just like you forgot me…
Why can’t I? What the FUCK is wrong with me..
I wanted love.
I needed love.
Most of all…Most of all…
someone said, true love was dead
and i’m bound to fall, bound to fall
for you.
oh what can i do?
take my badge,
but my heart remains
loving you.
tighten up, on your reigns
you’re running wild
it’s true.
sometimes, i just think you can hear me. this silence is deafening. i can scream at the top of my lungs. nothing comes out. and i can cry for miles and miles…and i still have miles to go. i can’t walk another mile in the shoes..
Dear, I fear that we've gone wrong
You've always hung me from the gallows
Well I don't feel I'll be forgiven
If you don't see it
you can never walk away
If you don't feel it
it's going ot get harder everyday
But you don't want love
keeping you awake at night
'till you can sleep
Dear I feel that you've settled
You've always pushed me in the shadow
Well I don't feel you'll be forgiven
When you wake up alone
do you love me still?
Do you question the choice you made?
Do you wake up at all?
Today seemed to start off like any other. Get up, do my makeup, pick out something to wear, smile…AND GO.
On my way into work, it rushed over me. The date, the hour, the moment…became apparent to me. One last DATE. One last…hurdle.
Hopefully.
As I drifted off into nothingness. Starring deep into the divider lines in the road. I wandered through those memories. I remembered your face so clearly. I remembered the love that seemed timeless. The look in your eye, when you saw me. The smile across your face when I told you I made that cheesecake, and you knew I was lying…you let me go with it. We made each other so happy.
I snapped out of it, got so mad at myself that the tears in my eyes started pooling up. The knot in my throat started throbbing. My heart just keeps sinking. My knuckles turned white as I gripped harder and harder. I was seeing sixes…
I hate to admit it, but you really got a hold on me.
six degrees of separation.
six days in between us.
six letters. different ones. different meanings.
love is for cheaters.
This morning we sat on a long wooden bench. Now this bench is like no other bench in the world, for it was created for something unmistakably unique, and undeniably different.
This bench was created for love.
"It is a bench, in a room...how can that be love, you ask...
well, this bench was made solely for us to sit in, to be in the very presence of love itself...Himself. Everyone around us this morning, were all there for the same reason...love.
This world lacks love. Humanity lacks love. Without compassion and love, man is nothing but a shell of selfishness and decaying flesh...filling himself with pride, vanity, lust, money, fame, power.
The problem is, you see, that we are incapable, in of ourselves, of truly loving each other
We don't really know what True Love is. We often think love is a thing to benefit us...to serve us...to fill up our own hearts. This is not what love is.
True Love is serving someone else...being their hands when they cannot use their own...being their voice when they can't whisper, let alone raise a shout to be heard.... being the shoulder that one leans upon when their legs are too tired to carry them down the path of life any longer.
Love is walking the extra mile with the person you enjoy or appreciate the least; the one who has done you the most wrongs...having in your heart no expectation of praise or return on your investment. Love is doing the same for those that you care for the most.
Love is a crimson stained tree, nailed and lashed together to form a tall cross. Love is the blood that ran freely from His hands, feet, back, and head as they whipped and mocked Him. Love is found in the tears that ran from His eyes in His final hours.... tears of fear, of pain, of loneliness...tears of understanding and faith in His father.... tears of desire to see you and I set free from our bondage at any cost...even His own death.
Love is the physical and mental pain that He suffered, hanging there for hours, while people continually mocked Him...the same people that He was dying for.
Love is found in the look in His eyes as He turned to the thief hanging on the cross next to Him, peering deeper than his sins and into his heart, promising him eternal life...offering him forgiveness.
Love is the desperation in His voice, crying out to Yahweh..."Father, Abba, why have you forsaken Me?!" as He was completely separated from His Father, having upon Him every sin of every man for all time to come.
Love is found in His time spent in death, and in the way that He defeated Satan during this time, conquering hell...and rising again, that His children might be set free.
Love is seen in the open wounds of His fully resurrected body, that He beckoned Thomas to feel. "These wounds are the price I paid for your ransom," He seems to speak to everyone in that room, as He tells Thomas not to doubt, but to believe, for He is risen.
Love is our resurrected Lord sitting on a beach with His few best friends, cooking them breakfast, and teaching them those few last pieces of wisdom before returning to be with His father in heaven...His home.
Love is the gift that He has offered us.
As we gaze towards the hill where He died, and begin to wipe the crimson stains away from the splintered wood that mark where our own personal sin drove the nails through His wrists...there Love is, waiting with outstretched hands for us to fall into His arms.
As His eyes fill with tears, His heart longs only to hold us close to Him...to protect us, to guide us, to comfort us. We step forward; leaning hesitantly into His embrace...receiving the greatest gift that anyone has ever offered...grace and mercy, complete forgiveness, and eternal life with our creator - the lover of our souls, Yeshua.
This long, stiff bench, which was made for love, reminds me of another of mankinds wooden creations in which we find love. One of these, created intentionally for love. The other, crafted by hate, but becoming the greatest catalyst for True Love of all things created by mankind. As I run my fingers along its grains and knots, my heart is encouraged as my mind reflects upon the cross of our Christ.
I can finally hear the birds chirping outside my window. I can see the sun making it’s way through the tiny cracks in the blinds. It’s almost as if, life has just begun.
It starts with a steady rhythm. It comes in with a careful arrangement…slow, steady. It builds up to a crescendo, louder, louder. I can finally see everything, low like a sunset…a visible horizon.
Here it is…throwing yourself at someone, gets you NO WHERE. NEWSFLASH…it’s a HUGE turnoff. I want to know that you want me, but I don’t need every little thing defined. It bugs me.
I am at this point with myself, where I just like to let things happen organically. I can’t plan, or predict what may or may not happen. I really don’t want to. I am exhausted with planning my future.
I want the white picket fence like everyone else…but not for a long time. Not after everything. I way to young to get caught up worrying about everything…NEVER AGAIN, at least not until I get swept off my feet…and even then I’m gonna wonder if there is something else….
Today was such a GOOD day. I FINALLY found my birthday dress. It was like it had been waiting for me this whole time…a 160 dollar dress marked down to 32…yes please!
I spent the rest of my day going through my closet for what seems like…the millionth time. I think I got about half my clothing on hangers…the other half can stay in a box, cause I don’t feel like I am going to use any of it anytime soon. I don’t know how it happened but I have more clothes than I could have EVER imagined…it’s my greatest dream come true!! It’s funny though, I have so many but wear the same stuff ALL THE TIME.
oh well.
In the midst of cleaning I stumbled upon some things I had forgotten about. Seeing his handwriting gave me the absolute creeps. For a whole minute I just stared, it was like the music stopped, I couldn’t feel anything but my heart beating…thud…thud…thud. I chose not to read it, I chose to not cry and get all upset. I knew exactly what was in my hand, and I chose to throw it away.
RELIEF.
Erin and I went to Smith’s when she got off work today. Thinking about posting a missed connection about the sexy employee with the ugly organ tattoo. I am pretty sure he thought we were stoned since A.) We were looking for magnets, B.) I kept saying “how do they work?” (apparently he hasn’t seen miracles yet…), and C.) That both Erin and I couldn’t stop laughing. I am sure we both were sporting the most ridiculous shit eating grins…anyhow…he was hot. Why is Smith’s my new favorite place to pick up on the honeys?? YES PLEASE. 8th and 9th is the best…but 4th S is now running a close second…DANG IT!
I had a pretty awesome dinner made by my dear ERIN…so super good…and now I am so super sleepy.
This time next week, I won’t be able to sleep cause I will be leaving for Portland the next day…YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs.
ONE WEEK!!!
