brand new colony

I am so close. I am almost there. Time to refocus, and get grounded.

It's funny when I talk about you now, I feel so disconnected. It's the moment I have been waiting for, and it's finally here.

This last year I have been on the invigorating journey of self discovery.  I feel so ALIVE. I feel so in-touch with myself, and I am discovering more and more each and everyday.

I have spent every year of my life up until now, waiting for some knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. This last year has made me realize, I can sweep my own self off my feet, and it's the best feeling.

forced to love

I don't know what this feeling is that I get in my chest sometimes. It makes me feel like someone was spinning me around, and around on a tire swing...and I got off and stood up. It's the way I felt when my world came crashing down around me last January.

I know I shouldn't let the fear of getting hurt, stop me from moving on. In fact, I feel like I am moved on. It's just knowing that there might be a possibility that I might have to experience that pain again, that frightens me. I am just NOT interested in EVER feeling that way again. I want my heart to be open to the idea of new possibilities, but now I am just so doubtful that it is a good idea for me. Though I have moved mountains as far as my healing goes in the last few months, I am not so sure that I am quite done yet. Maybe, this experience is part of that process.

I am more aware after the last year, what my flaws are, and I am embracing them, and trying to fix or adjust them when needed. I know how amazing I am, and everything that I have to offer.

As much as I try to convince myself that I can engage in the casual fling, or whatever I realize that I can't. It takes far to much for me to invest the time in getting to know someone, especially on an emotional level....

In short...I am so confused right now, can you tell?

only girl in the world

It's December, the snow on the ground from the last few weeks is slowly melting away, preparing for the snow storms that indefinitely lie ahead. I look at myself in the mirror these days, and I love who I am. The self doubt, the worry, the insecurity that was being harbored deep with in me, has faded away. For good, forever. There was no warning, but this is definitely what I have been working towards. I've been striving to fall in love with myself, body and soul...without limits, without boundaries. I tore down all the walls, and nothing about me is a mystery. 2010 has been nothing short of an obstacle course, and no doubt a roller coaster ride. The things I have experienced in the last 11 months, have changed me. As I remember everything I have experienced, there were really times that I didn't think I was gonna come out of this alive, let alone a better person. I was so identified by who I surrounded myself with, who I was dating, and what they wanted from me...that I lost sight of my own identity. In the last 11 months, I have been given the opportunity to find my own identity and realize what I want from myself.
Life is the moments. We must be joyful in them, truly living each and every one of them. Life is the wind through your hair, the smile from a stranger, the sound of the bass pumping in the car next to you, the excitement in the face of a friend when they see you, your heart beating so fast when you see your crush walking towards you...it's everything, it's every second, it's all around us...it's incredibly beautiful to be in the moment, truly living life.