brand new colony

I am so close. I am almost there. Time to refocus, and get grounded.

It's funny when I talk about you now, I feel so disconnected. It's the moment I have been waiting for, and it's finally here.

This last year I have been on the invigorating journey of self discovery.  I feel so ALIVE. I feel so in-touch with myself, and I am discovering more and more each and everyday.

I have spent every year of my life up until now, waiting for some knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. This last year has made me realize, I can sweep my own self off my feet, and it's the best feeling.

forced to love

I don't know what this feeling is that I get in my chest sometimes. It makes me feel like someone was spinning me around, and around on a tire swing...and I got off and stood up. It's the way I felt when my world came crashing down around me last January.

I know I shouldn't let the fear of getting hurt, stop me from moving on. In fact, I feel like I am moved on. It's just knowing that there might be a possibility that I might have to experience that pain again, that frightens me. I am just NOT interested in EVER feeling that way again. I want my heart to be open to the idea of new possibilities, but now I am just so doubtful that it is a good idea for me. Though I have moved mountains as far as my healing goes in the last few months, I am not so sure that I am quite done yet. Maybe, this experience is part of that process.

I am more aware after the last year, what my flaws are, and I am embracing them, and trying to fix or adjust them when needed. I know how amazing I am, and everything that I have to offer.

As much as I try to convince myself that I can engage in the casual fling, or whatever I realize that I can't. It takes far to much for me to invest the time in getting to know someone, especially on an emotional level....

In short...I am so confused right now, can you tell?

only girl in the world

It's December, the snow on the ground from the last few weeks is slowly melting away, preparing for the snow storms that indefinitely lie ahead. I look at myself in the mirror these days, and I love who I am. The self doubt, the worry, the insecurity that was being harbored deep with in me, has faded away. For good, forever. There was no warning, but this is definitely what I have been working towards. I've been striving to fall in love with myself, body and soul...without limits, without boundaries. I tore down all the walls, and nothing about me is a mystery. 2010 has been nothing short of an obstacle course, and no doubt a roller coaster ride. The things I have experienced in the last 11 months, have changed me. As I remember everything I have experienced, there were really times that I didn't think I was gonna come out of this alive, let alone a better person. I was so identified by who I surrounded myself with, who I was dating, and what they wanted from me...that I lost sight of my own identity. In the last 11 months, I have been given the opportunity to find my own identity and realize what I want from myself.
Life is the moments. We must be joyful in them, truly living each and every one of them. Life is the wind through your hair, the smile from a stranger, the sound of the bass pumping in the car next to you, the excitement in the face of a friend when they see you, your heart beating so fast when you see your crush walking towards you...it's everything, it's every second, it's all around us...it's incredibly beautiful to be in the moment, truly living life.

I still can't believe it..

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/idahostatesman/obituary.aspx?n=danielle-vacca&pid=146837042&fhid=6417

Dani we love you <3

Dani...rest peacefully my beautiful friend..

Today seemed so surreal. I could hear the words Janelle was saying to me through the phone, and it was like everything stopped moving.


When I moved to Salt Lake City last September, my heart was only half here. I remember starting my first day at the MAC counter, and just thinking to myself, what had I gotten myself into? As my first few days passed, everyone kept buzzing about this girl Dani. I was anxious to meet her, and when I did she was everything they said she was, and more. I saw this beautiful statue of a girl standing before me, with the sweetest eyes.

I knew from that moment on, that she was someone who I would hold near and dear to my heart forever.

I remember when I found out that she was only twenty, I was so taken a back by it. She was wise beyond her years, and had such compassion and conviction in the things she talked about. Even though I was Dani's manager she was someone I really looked up to, and looked to when it came to finding my creative spark on a lot of days when I was just wasn’t finding it. Dani was such a light in my life in this past year. She made me have a reason to come to work, and I looked forward to every day that I worked with her. It was seeing that wide grin looking at me, wrapping her arms around me when I needed them, that made me love coming to work. I remember scheduling her with me intentionally because she lifted me up so much.

Dani could command the presence in a room, there was something about her that made you want to stop, look, and listen. She was beautiful, inside and out.

I sit here now, and I can't wrap my heard around the idea of her being gone. I know she is doing her rendition of Bad Romance right now...I love you my sweet girl...rest peacefully, look after us, we need you now more than ever..

LOVE YOU SO MUCH..DANIELLE VACCA...GURRRRRRRRL

FOR DANI

power of now

Isn't life amazing, when you realize the power of the moment you are living in?
All the other stuff just falls away...
the worry...
the doubt..
the regret...
it all fades away. GONE.

Everything from the clouds in the sky, to the feeling it feels when your feet meticulously touch the ground...become significant...those moments are invaluable, and I wouldn't want to lose any of them by dwelling on the things in my life that I have NO control over.

Life is amazing. My friends are beautiful. The world around me is alive and moving...and I am moving forward. I am me, and I am here...NOW.

I want a house, built with old wood

Yesterday morning, I woke up to this. In beautiful Park City, Utah. Surrounded by people that I absolutely love. My heart feels so full...I love NOW. Living in the NOW, is treating me well.
Salt Lake has blessed me with the most amazing group of friends, I could ever dream of. I am so lucky. Even though at times this year has been so dark, they have been the light at the end of the tunnel...
As I continue on this journey, I am learning more and more about myself. Kelliana...I will find you.

and when i reach into myself my past comes true

Sadness..is better left forgotten.
As for the months in 2010 that my mind has blocked out, I guess...I have to be thankful. I'd love to reflect on the months of suffering, but that would just distract me from the NOW.
It's a new dawn, a new day.
I am here, all on my own, and I couldn't be more exhiliarated.

WHO IS KELLIANA...I honestly don't know, but I sure as hell am going to find out..

I don't need you.

You're back.
When I try to sleep, I can't sleep. You're always so nice there, in my dreams. This time, I lost you...I was searching so hard to find you. I think this means, I know I lost me, and I've been searching really hard to find me. I don't need you to be me, she's been locked in here all along...
This new version, is better than you could have ever imagined. Better than I ever imagined really. I don't feel the slightest bit insecure about who I am...this is what I have wanted all along, it just took you breaking my heart to get there..

dear salt lake, i get BORED.

hurricane K

Some days, I just don't want to get up. I could lay there in my room, in the dark for all eternity. Today was one of those days. I keep wondering, what is wrong with me? Just when I think, I am getting better...reality has a way of reminding me of itself.
How could my heart still be this broken? How come everything around me never seems to settle into place?
I feel like a tropical strom that just got reclassified into a hurricane...here comes destruction..

dye it blonde

  Smith Westerns - Weekend by forcefieldpr

can't stop listening to this <3 way to go boys!

give me a second, and i'll tell you.

You linger there. On my tongue. In the back corners of my mind. Hanging on my weaknesses, bringing them to light. Some nights, I close my eyes, and you are there. Haunting. Taunting. Throwing it all back in my face. Life has a funny way of reminding me, that I am almost there, but not quite yet.

Cutting the cord, was never easy. I guess it's not completely detached yet.

My mind started racing last night, I think I dreamt of you. I wish I could remember, I think she was there too.

Every time the thought crossed my head, I feel so sick.

It’s like a knot in your stomach, that just won’t relax.

yo-yo

Due to my recent bought of insomnia, I am here again…writing to you, whoever you are, in hopes that you will hear me, if you ever were listening…now would be a good time.

Here is what I don’t understand. When did life get so complicated? Than again, when is the last time I remember my life being “simple”?

I should have taken the advice of a good friend over a month ago when she told me, not to dig up old graves. I find myself reliving a gamut of emotions that I honestly forgot had existed. At least for this particular situation. I have to remember where my heart was in the beginning of this year, how terribly trampled upon it felt, and how I never thought it would find its way to being whole again. No good advice could pass through my ears with out getting lost in translation some where. Everything I know now of HEARTBREAK, I learned for myself. How come I think that my advice on the subject is going to hold any weight for someone who is knee deep in it?

I have to look a little deeper and ask myself, what about this situation is effecting me NOW? Why am I letting it hold so much weight in my life? What is the actual JOY I can feel, and not the pain and despair?

I am HERE NOW.

This is an important part of my journey into progression. It feels good to know that I was important enough to contact, that I could bring some light into someone’s life when they needed it the most. I feel like, I was so desperate to pay it forward to all the advice that I was given in the last year, that I jumped the gun. My healing isn’t over yet, is what I am realizing now. I am almost there, but not completely prepared to cut the cord. I think I have rushed myself, been a little to hard on my process, stopped the grieving cause I didn’t want my world to crash down around me. Now, it’s crashing, and NOW it’s time to deal with it. Look around pick up the pieces that I need to start over, and leave the pieces that I don’t need behind.

waves

I can hear the branches, scratching at the windows outside, the wind blowing through every seam of this house. I can hear the leaves slapping up against the window, the rain lightly falling on the pavement outside...I feel nostalgic, it feels like home.

This evening, I got to look at myself from with in. I got the courage to face the things that have changed me. I had this moment of clearness, and I am not letting that go.

The past couple days have brought me to a lot of realistic conclusions about the path I am about to set forth on. I have allowed my mind to take power, and bring certain things to there end, but also at the same time realizing that I am not necessarily completely prepared to cut the cord.

I got my answers so clearly tonight, I am so grateful.

all shook up

Oh man.
I have said it once, and I will say it again. Expect the unexpected.
Just when you think you can't be found, they find you.

In the past 13 months of my life, I feel as if I have been on this incredible roller coaster ride. I have been on this journey of enlightenment, confusion, immense pain, and profound joy. Some days I felt like I was never going to get out of bed again, and others I felt proud of the woman I have become. I feel so independent. I still feel confused, and at times a little lost, BUT at the same time I feel that whatever life sets in my path, that I have the will to overcome. That I have the strength to say to myself, "this will pass, and all is in preparation for the next journey in my life."

I know that I have learned to adjust to change, not something I have ever been able to do lightly. I have learned to adjust, I have learned to breathe. Fall down, and get back up again. I know that I can only hope that this day and it's events, will only better prepare me for the days ahead.

I could have never fathomed being here, not even today, and not yesterday...but I am here now...in this place of clarity, and I am so thankful

.

little piece of paradise..

I have been trying to fight the inevitable, but it seems that it’s time…

time to bid farewell to this chapter in my life.

I won’t feel defeated. I promised myself yesterday, that I’m not going to let things get the best of me anymore. Everything happens for a reason, and I am excited to potentially embark on a new exciting aspects of my life.

I am praying for peace of mind right now, I am hoping to be graceful in my words, and find new clarity in my mind and heart. <3

"I am tired. I am true of heart."

I just took a minute to read over my last few blogs. SIGH. I think, rather I know and realize that I am letting life get the best of me!! I have to stop doing this. I need to work harder to be more grateful for the things in my life that are good, and work diligently to change the things in my life that are not.

Life is full of ups and down, and if I have learned anything since the beginning of 2010, it is that statement is infinitely true. I realize that these fragile moments, are here to prepare me to face them with more experience and conviction in the future. It is so important to remain strong, and continue to live in the light. I have let my mind wander to the darkness lately, and I need to keep my mind focused up. I know that it is okay to be weak sometimes, it sucks, but it is totally okay. I whine a lot. I am a perpetual whiner. I am an outward thinker, and I complain in order to process the things that are bothering me. I need to learn to have more grace, and to process more effectively on my own, and involve others when necessary.

Life is full of obstacles. I know I can jump over these new hurdles. Expect the unexpected. And as I have said before, and am constantly reminding myself...Life would be boring if it was always going precisely as I planned.

I am getting ready to start a new chapter in my career, another step back to move forward. I am excited, and fearful of the unknown. I believe in myself more than ever, and as much as I have just given up, I know if I work diligently in my new role, I will receive just as many accolades and success.
,

the sprawl

CROSSROADS.

Here I am again. I have made my decision and now, I must stick with it, as if it has brought me some kind of clarity. Unfortunately, it hasn’t. I feel more lost than ever.

Everything has come full circle. I am left dealing with the lost of about everything I once knew. I want to believe in the positive. I want to keep telling myself it is all for the better. I am sick of “everything happening for a reason”.

Where to go from here?? What am I waiting for?

Washington-“Lover/Soldier”

Yes
Yes, I know
Yes, I know that when you hear this
You'll feel strange, I know
Still out of sight
But I've got this mouth
That's full of dynamite, tonight
Tonight
Lover, you're a soldier
You're a long, long way from home
A long way from your mother
And you do it on your own
I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
I don't think we need to
Cos it's just so easy
So I survive
So I just try to get through
And stay alive
You do the same
Do the same
I see you running
Through the rain
Lover, you're a soldier
You're a long, long way from home
A long way from your mother
And you do it on your own
I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
I don't think we need to
Cos it's just so easy
I got lucky
When you said sorry
And I couldn't stop now
If I knew how
And if it's true what they say
About love and hard work
Well, alright
Cos maybe people in love
Are all on the same side when they fight
And everyone's raging and railing
And screaming for war
But you haven't got anything
That I would fight you for
To fight you
Lover, you're a soldier
You're a long, long way from home
A long way from your mother
And you do it on your own
I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
But I don't think we need to
Cos it's just easy
Lover, you're a soldier
You're a long, long way from home
A long way from your mother
And you do it on your own
We can take our chances
Cos we knew it going in
There'd be lots of dancing
But we'd never, ever play to win

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/w/washington/#share

moon safari

Things are so different.

One year ago…tick tick tick.

I wonder what I will think next year when I look back upon this one.

I have had to make some decisions lately, that have been kind of hard to swallow.

I feel so defeated, maybe I’d be stronger to just give up.

i hate your drug

I have to start living my life.

I can’t keep waiting around for some impending doom to happen, it may or may not…and i can’t keep idly standing by.

I have stopped doing the things that make me feel alive. I just keep sleeping my life away, no more. I am done.

No one that has let me go, has stopped living there life. So why should I give them anymore power over the rest of this year, than they have already had. I have had enough!!

I don’t want to celebrate another new year, with out feeling like I have accomplished something.

This has been my year…no one is going to take that away from me.

I am not going to let things get me down anymore.

“What makes your day no matter what?”

The sun shining…the wind through my hair…the smile of a stranger…embarking the world on my own…doing things for the first time…

I believe in me. I do.

snow globe

I feel like a snow globe that is constantly being shaken up. It’s like everything that could happen, has….but I am ready for more if that’s what has to happen. I feel like this year has been a turbulent journey. Nothing has gone as expected, everything is totally different.

I find myself, becoming more and more of an adult everyday. I am not letting go of that. No matter what. The last couple weeks have presented quite a number of “speed bumps” or “road blocks”. I will not let a single thing stand in the way of my goals.

I have to remain positive. I have to remember how far I have come. I have to realize, that I am worth something. That I am here for a purpose, and I am not giving up, not just yet.

i never wanted to be a sailors wife,

to be a truckers wife

to be left behind…

 

but you did it anyways

Dear Sailor, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Sometimes, I wish you could read what I have been writing. I wish you could see how much better I am doing, how much I finally know who I am. I am so thankful for the time I got to share with you, and I am so thankful for the way things unfolded. If you would have never let me go, I may not have discovered the world on my own.

It’s hard to think that I may never hear from you again, but I understand. I finally do.

hey unfaithful

I know we all experience heartache differently. That’s definitely something I have experienced and learned in the last year. I do not however understand, manifesting things in your head only to perpetuate your own heart ache. You can only go off what is actually reality and fact, and not what you think may or may not be true. It’s not worth the anguish it does to your heart. IS IT?

The experience that I had with having my heartbroken earlier this year, was one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. I am not done going through it yet either. I know it seems that on the surface I am better, I really am. But deep down inside, I still get really sad about it. This makes it hard for me to talk to other people about there breakups, especially when there’s aren’t nearly as hard to stomach as my own.

You are lucky, and yes your heart hurts. But unfortunately it hurts mine to talk about it. I just can’t, I’m not ready.

two roads diverged

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

A fork in the road, two paths. One is the same path I have been travelling down for years, caught up in the fixation of the glamour of if all. The other is new, uncharted. The path this unknown, who knows where I may end up on it. I think I have known for the last year, that I can’t continue on, doing what I have been doing. It’s lost it’s luster.

“I doubted if I should ever come back…”

fix what’s broken

i love ya…i know i always will.

keep it.

I keep reminding myself to stay focused up. To stay grounded, to remember that I can DO THIS!

STAY STRONG KELLIANA.

I keep trying to figure out what I am doing here…but I am realizing that if I had the answer, maybe everything that happens wouldn’t be so frustrating. If I had all the answers, well hey life would be so boring.

I know that I am being set up for something bigger, that everything that has transpired in the last year, is for a reason bigger than I can even imagine right now.

I could have kept on doing things the way I always had been. I could have stayed in Portland, and just kept going through the motions of my life. Instead I took a risk, I traded in everything to be here. I took this opportunity to start my life over. To become something that I knew I had been in my heart, for a long time. To prove myself. TO TAKE RISKS.

In this moment. I wish I could start over again. I’m not ready to face the problems of today or tomorrow. I don’t want to be a failure at the one thing that I feel like in this life I am good at, and for a second I felt I had any control over.

Is this my wake up call? Is this my call to arms?

I feel like this is the millionth time I have asked myself this question in the last year, where do I go from here? I think I have to stop pretending. I am not okay. I haven’t been for a very long time. I think where I go is a place where I forgive myself…where I let go…where I look up, and see the light. Stay grounded, and remember not do anything irrational.

i’ve seen enough of my friends, in the depths of the god sick blues..

I have laid in my room with the lights off for the last 2 days. I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness. I think I have finally figured it out.

I by no means regret coming to SLC. In fact, I think in a lot of ways the moved saved me from longer term heartache and regret. It opened my eyes to all new possibilities, unfortunately now it just reminds me of the worst year of my life, and I am ready to put this city behind me.

Where to go from here?

Do I just leave my job, and say screw it? Should I put my heart in the hands of God, and tell him to do what he will with me. At one point I thought I had everything all figured out, and now I just feel really confused.

I can still feel that constant knot in my throat, you know the one you feel when you are trying to hold back every ounce of emotion that wants to fall out of you mouth?

I don’t miss him like I used to. I still want to forget everything. No one replaces him, probably because I won’t let them.

I need to remember that I am focusing on me…

REMEMBER

machine dreams

I promised myself, I wouldn't ever let myself get hurt again.
And I won't.
Time to cut another person off, before we even really get started. Gotta keep the walls up.
I am not here on this earth to frustrate people, or upset them.
I wanna make someone happy.
I think we will find each other eventually.

Anna Jewel

Today my Granny left us. She died peacefully in her sleep.
I remember Granny from a very young age, I loved her so much and would cry whenever we had to leave there house in Savannah. She would tell me stories, that she painted so beautifully with her words. She loved me unconditionally.
When Granny had her stroke when I was 13, my heart broke. I never thought I would lose her, I never thought she wouldn't be able to tell me a story. We moved away from South Carolina a few years later, and I became a teenager and forgot all about my Granny.
For years I have told myself, I have to get back to Savannah I need to be there with Granny and Papa before they die. I know that sounds really morbid to say, but it's true. Now I just feel so guilty. I haven't been there in almost 4 years.
A week ago I should have went to tell her Goodbye when she was still here...and I didn't.

My dearest Granny, I love you so much...I know you are up there looking over me, I miss you.

we use to wait

Do you ever go against all the feelings that you are feeling in your gut?
Ignore your instincts?
Disregard your intuition?

I do it all the time.
I always wanna believe people are good.

I think that's what hurts the most, the bruising of your ego. Knowing that you were completely wrong about something or someone. Letting your weaknesses get the best of you, falling for everything, and falling into all kinds of things you thought you were stronger than.

Remember when we climbed to the top of that cape? Up there I felt like our love was infinite. In those perfect moments, it felt like the earth stopped moving. I had found my soul mate. "Whatever our souls were made of, his and mine were the same." Funny how a year changes everything.

I couldn't even look at you if I saw you. I wouldn't even recognize you if you were standing in front of me. You are the shell of a love, now lost. Stagnating in the depths of my memory, haunting that moment in time.

I feel more whole now than I have in the last 7 months. Still waiting to feel like myself again, missing you less day to day...it's more like once a week. I remember how you used to look at me, I remember when you used to love me...I remember the day it all fell apart. I could never say I am glad it happened, but I wouldn't change the way it's impacted me so far this year for everything. I am different.

I am a new improved version of myself, still falling down but demanding that I get back up again.

not ready, still.

It has been awhile since I felt like this. Today I realized that everything I was ever afraid of from my childhood, come out in more than I realize. From a young age I remember hearing that one day my dad just "stopped loving my mom". I never realized the impact it had one me, until this whole year started taking place.
I was always afraid that one day Taylor was just going to stop loving me.
When he broke up with me, that's what it felt like happened. That he just stopped, out of the blue.
Everything happened so quickly, that I barely had time to react.
I haven't thought about the chain of events in along time, and maybe that's been better?
The more I think, the more it doesn't makes sense.
My childhood fears, come closer and closer to the surface, seeming so accurately real.

Today, was hard.

I feel like, I came here. I did what I said I was going to do, and now all of it is falling down around me.

Where do I go from there?

 

It’s like slowly but surely…it all starts to fall by the wayside.

I’m dedicated, I am determined.

I am definitely not going down with out a fight.

wherever you go, there you are

Just when I think you are gone, there you are.
I wish I could have stayed in my dreams today forever.
You seemed to real.

this is what living like this does..

What could be more interesting that a 4th of July weekend bus ride. I had my doubts that this trip would be interesting or eventful…but thankfully my doubts were unwarranted and this ride has been nothing short of interesting, and eventful.

Where to begin? I guess it’s always best to start at the beginning. My tale begins at the Greyhound station in SLC. 

The steps to the door way were littered with the vagabond of the city, taking drags off there one luxury. There comfort, there solace. I made my way up the steps, through the glass doors into the HUB. I proceeded to the ticket line, to receive my penance. I stood there as the man in front of me, attempted to explain his destination to the woman behind the counter, who could have cared less really. She was too busy asking the person on the other end of the line if “she introduced you to her boyfriend, and do we have rice in the fridge?”. She carried on her phone conversation with no regard for the line building behind me. At her own leisure she ended the conversation and asked the man where he wanted to go. He was trying to get to somewhere in Tennessee but I think he knew where as well as you or I would. He stood there in his navy blue virgin mary hoodie attempting to explain what city. After three printed tickets, and three different cities. He finally continued on his way, but not before the ticket lady said, “Either I need to brush up on my Spanish, or you need to learn to speak English.” (Yes, this really happened.) Getting my ticket of course, was nothing short of eventful, I had the wrong number written down as my confirmation number, and I could tell that this woman was a strong stickler to the rules and wasn’t going to budge on trying to look my ticket up any other way. Finally, ticket in hand, I proceeded to highlighted route and sat and waited…and people watched, THANK GOD. 

Every seat in the lobby was taken. The ones that were empty were not promising, so I sat on the floor. I let all the thoughts of disease and misfortune leave my head, who knows what I may or may not catch while sitting here, and frankly I didn’t want to think about it. My impending doom, was nothing I wanted to think about. I was already terrified enough about riding this damn thing, I didn’t need to get all worked up about waiting for it.

Then the people watching ensued…

My first fascination was with the man in camo  pants, tucked into combat boots. His fingers were adorned with a silver bulky ring on each, and his head was shaved. Underneath his military style jacket peered out a slipknot t-shirt. Imagine my excitement, and immediate terror. This man looked like a killer, no question about it, and not only that he looked like someone who would play in your blood after he murdered you. Yes, of course I judged a book by his cover, and I was right to. I was in the freaking bus station, for crying out loud! As I sat there he kept circling the lobby like a vulture, aimlessly waiting to swoop down on his prey. I noticed after he circled the second time that he had a hands free cell phone piece in his ear. He was also saying something, I tuned in my ears to get a better listen. “The area is clear, the subject is in motion…over and out…yes sir…the mission is in completion…” Apparently, camo pants was on some secret operative mission at the greyhound station, either that or he was completely insane. I’m going to side with the latter.

From across the room, a man who looked like a giant started to head my direction. His windbreaker was a jade green with a navy color, and his red sweatshirt underneath looked like it had been red in another life, and was awkwardly too small on his giant body. As we got closer he started to adjust himself, and I don’t mean his shoulders or posture. He stood about six feet away from me with his hands down his pants moving things around down there, and just when I thought it was safe to look up he started to take off one of his belts. (and yes, that’s intentionally plural because he was wearing 3 different belts…he has a really hard time keeping his pants up?) The adjustment went on for a couple more minutes, I had to concentrate really hard on A. Not laughing, and B. Starring at the ground. Finally it ended, and later as I sat in my seat on the bus I prayed and prayed that he would not sit next to me, or near me. My bad luck continued as he sat in the row across from me, and sipped out of a coca-cola can and sprawled his whole body out over the 2 seats. Something about this giant, gave me the creeps. Thankfully he got sucked into the abyss at our wendover stop, and never made it back on the bus. PHEW!

The lobby was highly entertaining, and the security inspection before we got on the bus was ghetto as hell as the security official let two people carry knives onto the bus. PERFECT. One of them would later proceed to chat my ear off, and it was only because in the back of my head I knew of the knife did I allow this.

On the bus I went, I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Half ashamed, but half cracked up on the inside I let it happen. I knew that no matter what happened on the way, the out come was that I would get to see my family, so therefore nothing else really mattered to me.

After our first stop in Wendover, thuggish ruggish bone decided to sit in the seat across from me. Now, this guy had chatted me up in line before the security check, and was under the impression that I was smuggling drugs on the bus, because I was acting “sketchy” in line. (Honestly, I was probably trying to contain my laughter.) Back to TRB. I had made a lasting impression on this gangster from the hood, and he was not going to let me stop talking to him by any means. He asked me every question under the sun, and I had never agreed to the game of twenty questions, but the visions of the knife kept replaying in my head, so I obliged. He would supply me with information about himself after I answered each of his ridiculous questions. He was from Oakland. He was a “medicine supplier”. He had a daughter. A drug dealer once offered him some of the “brown” but he declined because that “shit was whack”. I was more hard than he was because I had more tattoos, but he had one on his neck so I knew who was “harder”.  Basically this guy, who I later found out was 20 was attempting to impress me. He would stop at nothing to try to trump me at my game, and even asked me at one point if I believed in love.

The rest of my ride to Reno was spent sleeping. I passed out somewhere after our stop after Wendover, and when I decided that I couldn’t take another minute of talking to TRB. (He had commented when he got off the bus to smoke a cigarette, that I had better not try and go to sleep or he wasn’t going to have anyone to talk to. Thank god, I fell asleep. I couldn’t take anymore of his banter, he was white after all…and I knew that his game was tired. NICE TRY. ) I slept, and made in to Reno with a softer ego and a happiness in my heart as my family waited on the other side of the glass doors!

 

TO BE CONTINUED..

infinite

It is time for me to make some really important descisions according to my life. I am starting to think that certain things in my life just don't fullfill me, and I feel like I want alot more than I have been given or have let happen to me. SO NOW WHAT?
I know these things to be true...
For the first time ever I can say, I love my family. They make me feel absolute, and complete.

I am not gonna be trapped in SLC, and after this year is up...it's about me.

I want to be happy, and my happiness is somewhere out there and I will stop at nothing to find it.

I will never stop living my life for someone else again, I don't care who they are or how much they hurt me. No one deserves that kinda power over me.

I also know that even though someone can abandon you, treat you like shit, lie to you...that you are only truly responsible for where you go from there. I can dwell on this forever. It feels good to be in that dwelling space, but it truly feels better to be out of it. Yeah, you hurt me. Yeah, yeah I still love you. But like you said to me six months ago...STOP. I love you I just don't know what to say.

Except now...I know what to say. I just don't think you are ready to hear it.

half

When I write here, you listen. It makes me feel like I am saying these things to you, and you get it. It helps me release. Helps me let go.  I can’t believe it’s been six months. It seems like a lifetime since the last time I saw you, held your hand, looked into your eyes, loved you.

Today I just wanted you to be there and hold my hand. Tell me everything is gonna be fine….you promised.

How did I ever believe you?

He is our strength..

Ashlie

Lord i pray that you would provide for kelliana..for her health..her work situation..i pray everything would go smoothly.i pray that you would be with her holy spirit, and that you would give her the peace that surpasses all understanding

i pray she trust in you for your plan is unfailing

make a way for her and guide her path

i pray that she would learn and be strengthened by whatever you put in her path

you allow trials for us to learn, to persevere, to grow us, and to build character

i pray against anything not of you Jesus

in your name Lord.

 

I’ve got some good friends here in the great salt lake..

Dear Salt Lake City, the power’s that be, the man upstairs, and anyone else who cares to listen,

If all these event’s are my karmatic penance for any turmoil in the universe that I have caused, I’m sorry.

I would like to retract any bad doings I have done, and apologize in hopes that you will cut me a break, or throw me a freaking bone.

I am fully aware that today’s series of unfortunate events is really MY fault for not being proactive in the last few years as far as my health goes, BUT really…RIGHT NOW?

So yes, I take the responsibility, and YES I know this is my consequence. At this point though, I am just wondering what else could possibly fall apart at my fingertips? It seems that everything I do touch…breaks…anything I love…falls apart, or forgets about me…

In conclusion…moving here was a mistake. I should have turned around when I had a chance..

twice, i turned my back on you.

I really wonder, why we are always so distrusting of people we call our friends. We are willing to solicit information to perfect strangers, aka via the world wide web, but we may not be willing to share a word with a close friend.
Often I feel like, I couldn't tell a soul how I really am feeling with out them freaking out, and coming to the round about conclusion that I am after all...CRAZY.
More and more I am realizing I am not crazy at all, just another body in this sea of emotion, feeling every end of the spectrum that this emotional gauge can offer.
So bring this shit on...
I wouldn't trade anyone of the feelings I have felt in the last 6 months.
They are real, concrete. They come with meaning, with merit...with worth.
And so do i..

"You deserve to be happy, you really are a great person. You just need to see it."

I feel like every lyricist, or writer writes about the time when someone finally validated them. Told them exactly what they had been dying for that person to tell them. Maybe it happened in an instant, but it seems like it is usually years down the line when we finally realize how much we appreciate someone. It usually comes unexpected, when we have completely forgotten about the impact the individual had on our lives. When we have finally moved on from that particular part of our lives.
As per the advice of someone who's opinion I have valued for years, I am gonna live in the light. Let my guard down, let life happen. Stop putting everything on hold, in hopes that the pause might create some kind of clarity. I deserve to be happy, I truly am great.
I think once we distance ourselves enough from heartbreak and turmoil. The pain seems to diminish. If we focus on the moments, we realize that life truly is great and we really can be happy.
Thanks PJ...I think I am seeing from your perspective..

Something to hold on to..

I feel so grateful to have met the people I have met here in SLC.
I feel so fortunate to say, that I truly have a strong network of friends, I know would be there for me...thick or thin.
It's easy to get caught up and the day to day, and forget how lucky you are.
I am trying to just live in this very moment. It really feels so good to be here.
What's the point of living in the past...it's completely out of my control at this point.
And as far as dwelling on what might happen in the future.. I have to be the one to take the control...
This is my destiny.
No one can change it but me.

jet boy anthology

So tonight, I thought it would be a really GREAT idea, to redecorate. You know, move stuff around...make it look new. Apparently I just DONT possess the decorating bug. Because...now I am tired, and it looks like a bunch of movers put stuff in a weird spot...DAMMIT. at least i know now that decorating is not my strength.

SHOOT!!

I remember my Mom telling me, that love doesn’t hurt. It really shouldn’t make you cry.

I don’t want to be put in the situation to see people that make me think of him. I don’t want to have to pretend like seeing them is okay.

Lincoln City

Most days I know, that I am slowly but surely, a little more put back together. I go about my days, with no conflict, no recollection of any memories. I stay busy, distracted.

I get home, and it consumes me. I sit here, and it over takes me. It’s painful right down to the nerve endings.

Today I shared the moment I knew I was in love with him. It’s a memory I think about when I am fully able. It makes my heart sing. It makes me realize this—that feeling is possible. I feel so fortunate to have loved someone, and to know that they loved me in return. I can’t imagine life on this earth with out knowing that feeling exists. That it can be unconditional. It happens with out warning…it happens because that person makes you feel more alive than you ever have in your life.

Does this realization mean that it is time for me to move on? That I am capable, and for the first time in 6 months, READY? I am not sure. I don’t feel that in my heart at all…I’m getting there…slowly but surely.

Time really does heal all wounds.

heavy, and it feels so right.

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across the ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown

My love has concrete feet, my love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall

I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms

And is it worth the wait,
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand,
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound

My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall
My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles, over the waterfall

I'm so heavy. Heavy. Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy. Heavy. So heavy in your arms

This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it's a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart

Heavy. Heavy. Heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so heavy) Heavy, heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms

I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced a crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he held me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground

I'm so heavy
Heavy in your arms

Heavy. I'm so heavy in your arms

let's stay together

I have been reading this book, called 30 days of letting go. It's just about putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and realizing that we are not really so different from one person to the next. I find at time that I am overly sensitive, and read a little too much into a situation. I worry a lot about what other people think about me, but don't ever really take the time to wonder what I think about myself.
I feel like I have been running, and my feet are so damn tired. I've been writing all this down here for everyone but myself.
In January when everything came screeching to a halt, I promised I would love myself more. I am not so sure that I am there yet. I respect myself a little bit more. I see the consequences of actions a little more clearly. I'm more aware of who I am. What makes my heart so heavy. I know that I have zero tolerance for anyone or anything that will put my heart there. In that regard, I find that I haven't really taken responsibility for the things I have done. A lot of what hurts me everyday, I really did do to myself.
I guess that's why I feel so tired. I will dodge the responsibility at any opportunity I can. Run, run...run.
Catch me if you can...

i thought i heard you coming through the door.

Do you ever wonder, if people notice you? If you have some impact on this big BAD world? Sometimes I feel like I just blend. Another face, in the overwhelming sea of faces.

I just want to be important to someone.

Maybe that’s just not reality.

hearing about you.

seeing pictures of you.

knowing you are still out there.

somewhere.

anywhere.

makes my heart sink.

makes my palms sweat.

makes my eyes wet.

i wish i never met you, never knew you at all.

never gave you the satisfaction of knowing you hurt me.

letting myself fall in love with you…gosh if you are out there, and i know you are…i wish you forgave me, i wish you were sorry…i wish this over…that we never existed.

I want to sleep…but I just can’t relax.

breathe…breathe….breathe.

let go, you must let him go.

i feel like if i stare at this computer screen long enough, somehow something will change…

it’s all the same

“spreadin out like wild fires” summer 10

Here is the track list for my summer mix…download it!!

1.everlasting light-the black keys

2. for the rest of your life-drug rug

3. chuck berry holiday-nobunny

4. always like this-bombay bicycle club

5. i made a bomb-coachwhips

6. everyone is going wild-the detroit cobra’s

7.s-p-a-s-t-i-c- bugs

8. stick up!-coconut coolouts

9. rum to whiskey-murder city devils

10. vampires-mr. gnome

11. sky in reverse-hint hint

12. car-built to spill

13. can’t get over you-vivian girls

14. be your baby-harlem

15. forest&sands-camera obscura

16. summer of hate-crocodiles

17. rush to relax-eddy current suppression ring

18. dolls-new young pony club

19. prizefighter-eels

20. shangri-la-m ward

21. double vision-ponys

22.veni vidi vici-the black lips

I have never asked one single person to wallow in my misery with me. If you don’t want to hear it, tell me to shut up. In fact, I’d be fine with that. Sometimes I wish I could shut up. No one can tell you how you are supposed to act in your state of misery. Just cause you are sad, doesn’t meant you are a bad person. At some point the clouds will part and you will be happy again. There is no timeframe for getting over something, or someone.

I feel like we point fingers, when really at the end of the day we need to take a good long hard look in the mirror and see ourselves for what we really. I would say I am a pretty self aware person. I know my flaws, weaknesses, and strengths like the back of my hand. I know what’s going to bring me down, and pick me back up. I know these things because I am myself…I have lived my life the way I do for 25 years. Take it or leave it.

This blog has been the best outlet for me in the past months. I don’t think I would have come as far as I have, if I didn’t have this space to share my thoughts in. I am sure my misery radiates from me. I am better than I was, but I am not completely recovered. I choose everyday to get up, and continue on. That’s where I am at right now, that’s about all I have the strength for. As far as happiness, I give it a try here and there. It’s easier said than done, when most things remind you have the way things were.

Maybe it is easier for some people to just turn the page, and keep on. I have turned the page, and I’m trying really hard to keep on living. I internalize everything, most of this war that is being waged is inside of me. What I actually share is a 1/4 of what I am actually feeling.

Cest la vie.

prison

When I close my eyes, you are there. Not just sometimes, every time.

I can’t fall asleep, because your memory literally haunts me. I start to relax, and doze off…my mind starts to race. No corner of my mind unturned, you are in every single one of them. I think about all the things, I don’t really know about to. It all makes sense. The memories I have are becoming a little more real, more clear.

It’s not fair that I have to be here alone like this.

I think I have shed a million or more tears over this…someone please break me out of this prison that is my mind, I can’t live like this anymore my heart just hurts way too much…and there seems to be no sign of relief.

better off left alone

I just sit here, and WONDER. Tears building up. Knot in my throat. Heart slowing down. Hands shaking. Same old, Same old.

I can’t keep on like this. It’s not getting any better, and it hurts just as much as it ever did. All the rationalization I do, isn’t enough. I feel like I have made all this progress, but you’re still there…still in my heart chipping away at what might be left…haunting my every memory.

Can’t keep it up…

dear sailor,

Some how the last time I saw you haunts my every step. I can still see your ship leaving the docks. I can still here you whisper you love me. I can still smell your breath at the end of our goodbye kiss. “Don’t cry babe, I’ll see you soon.”

c-r-a-z-y

In my life. I have never felt so hated. Sometimes people have to stop being friends. That does not mean that I wish anyone who previously was dear to me, any ill will. (for the most part.) Just cause we’re not friends, doesn’t mean that you at any point get to pin anyone against me. I haven’t tried to put anyone on TEAM KELLIANA. It’s not fair to make people choose sides.

Why did Jeff have to be mean to me tonight? Why do I care? What made me decide to text him…?

I never would have if I would have realized I was on his #1…who is this…hated…LIST.

I just don’t get it. It just doesn’t make sense.

 

So I pose this question…with all the people in this world who think I am crazy, insecure, evil, mean…yadda yadda yadda…how do I change this perception? What is it about me, that makes people ultimately…eventually…think this??

AM I SO BAD? AM I REALLY THAT CRAZY??

rush to relax

Today was just "one of those days".

From the minute the alarm sounded today, I could feel this cloud of doom hanging over me. I tried everything in my power to try and shake it before I left for work, but to no avail.

When I got to work, I realized I had left my wallet on the kitchen counter. WHY? I have no clue. Somehow in between grabbing my purse and walking out of the door, I left it. PERFECT.

The day just carried on that way...more trouble brewed on the horizon. Resulting in a meltdown that had been brewing since jump street.

In conclusion...I gotta lock it down again. Keep my eye on the prize and not divert from it. I need to constantly remind myself, of why am here...and focus on the end result.

ON IT.

erase it

I want to runaway.

FAR.

I just need to get away from my mind for a bit.

and I don’t mean go crazy.

I never deserved any of this…it doesn’t help me get over it.

eels-“i’m gonna stop pretending i didn’t break your heart”

in a million fucking pieces, i don’t even know where to stop picking them up or putting this damn thing back together

Mumford & Sons : I Gave You All : ICA London : 4 March 2009

i gave you all

When is this going to stop? When is my heart going to stop aching?

I just want to feel normal again.

I wish I could forget what you meant to me, how much I loved you…just like you forgot me…

Why can’t I? What the FUCK is wrong with me..

summer of hate

I wanted love.

I needed love.

Most of all…Most of all…

someone said, true love was dead

and i’m bound to fall, bound to fall

for you.

oh what can i do?

take my badge,

but my heart remains

loving you.

tighten up, on your reigns

you’re running wild

it’s true. 

tired

sometimes, i just think you can hear me. this silence is deafening. i can scream at the top of my lungs. nothing comes out. and i can cry for miles and miles…and i still have miles to go. i can’t walk another mile in the shoes..

where do i stand?

Dear, I fear that we've gone wrong
You've always hung me from the gallows
Well I don't feel I'll be forgiven
If you don't see it
you can never walk away
If you don't feel it
it's going ot get harder everyday
But you don't want love
keeping you awake at night
'till you can sleep
Dear I feel that you've settled
You've always pushed me in the shadow
Well I don't feel you'll be forgiven
When you wake up alone
do you love me still?
Do you question the choice you made?
Do you wake up at all?

six degrees…six days…six letters

 

Today seemed to start off like any other. Get up, do my makeup, pick out something to wear, smile…AND GO.

On my way into work, it rushed over me. The date, the hour, the moment…became apparent to me. One last DATE. One last…hurdle.

Hopefully.

As I drifted off into nothingness. Starring deep into the divider lines in the road. I wandered through those memories. I remembered your face so clearly. I remembered the love that seemed timeless. The look in your eye, when you saw me. The smile across your face when I told you I made that cheesecake, and you knew I was lying…you let me go with it. We made each other so happy.

I snapped out of it, got so mad at myself that the tears in my eyes started pooling up. The knot in my throat started throbbing. My heart just keeps sinking. My knuckles turned white as I gripped harder and harder. I was seeing sixes…

I hate to admit it, but you really got a hold on me.

six degrees of separation.

six days in between us.

six letters. different ones. different meanings.

love is for cheaters.

“he is love” by David Mason

This morning we sat on a long wooden bench. Now this bench is like no other bench in the world, for it was created for something unmistakably unique, and undeniably different.
This bench was created for love.
"It is a bench, in a room...how can that be love, you ask...
well, this bench was made solely for us to sit in, to be in the very presence of love itself...Himself. Everyone around us this morning, were all there for the same reason...love.
This world lacks love. Humanity lacks love. Without compassion and love, man is nothing but a shell of selfishness and decaying flesh...filling himself with pride, vanity, lust, money, fame, power.
The problem is, you see, that we are incapable, in of ourselves, of truly loving each other
We don't really know what True Love is. We often think love is a thing to benefit us...to serve us...to fill up our own hearts. This is not what love is.
True Love is serving someone else...being their hands when they cannot use their own...being their voice when they can't whisper, let alone raise a shout to be heard.... being the shoulder that one leans upon when their legs are too tired to carry them down the path of life any longer.
Love is walking the extra mile with the person you enjoy or appreciate the least; the one who has done you the most wrongs...having in your heart no expectation of praise or return on your investment. Love is doing the same for those that you care for the most.
Love is a crimson stained tree, nailed and lashed together to form a tall cross. Love is the blood that ran freely from His hands, feet, back, and head as they whipped and mocked Him. Love is found in the tears that ran from His eyes in His final hours.... tears of fear, of pain, of loneliness...tears of understanding and faith in His father.... tears of desire to see you and I set free from our bondage at any cost...even His own death.
Love is the physical and mental pain that He suffered, hanging there for hours, while people continually mocked Him...the same people that He was dying for.
Love is found in the look in His eyes as He turned to the thief hanging on the cross next to Him, peering deeper than his sins and into his heart, promising him eternal life...offering him forgiveness.
Love is the desperation in His voice, crying out to Yahweh..."Father, Abba, why have you forsaken Me?!" as He was completely separated from His Father, having upon Him every sin of every man for all time to come.
Love is found in His time spent in death, and in the way that He defeated Satan during this time, conquering hell...and rising again, that His children might be set free.
Love is seen in the open wounds of His fully resurrected body, that He beckoned Thomas to feel. "These wounds are the price I paid for your ransom," He seems to speak to everyone in that room, as He tells Thomas not to doubt, but to believe, for He is risen.
Love is our resurrected Lord sitting on a beach with His few best friends, cooking them breakfast, and teaching them those few last pieces of wisdom before returning to be with His father in heaven...His home.
Love is the gift that He has offered us.
As we gaze towards the hill where He died, and begin to wipe the crimson stains away from the splintered wood that mark where our own personal sin drove the nails through His wrists...there Love is, waiting with outstretched hands for us to fall into His arms.
As His eyes fill with tears, His heart longs only to hold us close to Him...to protect us, to guide us, to comfort us. We step forward; leaning hesitantly into His embrace...receiving the greatest gift that anyone has ever offered...grace and mercy, complete forgiveness, and eternal life with our creator - the lover of our souls, Yeshua.
This long, stiff bench, which was made for love, reminds me of another of mankinds wooden creations in which we find love. One of these, created intentionally for love. The other, crafted by hate, but becoming the greatest catalyst for True Love of all things created by mankind. As I run my fingers along its grains and knots, my heart is encouraged as my mind reflects upon the cross of our Christ.

visible horizon

I can finally hear the birds chirping outside my window. I can see the sun making it’s way through the tiny cracks in the blinds. It’s almost as if, life has just begun.

It starts with a steady rhythm. It comes in with a careful arrangement…slow, steady. It builds up to a crescendo, louder, louder. I can finally see everything, low like a sunset…a visible horizon.

i get so low, i need a little pick me up. i get so high, i need a little bring me down.

Here it is…throwing yourself at someone, gets you NO WHERE. NEWSFLASH…it’s a HUGE turnoff. I want to know that you want me, but I don’t need every little thing defined. It bugs me.

I am at this point with myself, where I just like to let things happen organically. I can’t plan, or predict what may or may not happen. I really don’t want to. I am exhausted with planning my future.

I want the white picket fence like everyone else…but not for a long time. Not after everything. I way to young to get caught up worrying about everything…NEVER AGAIN, at least not until I get swept off my feet…and even then I’m gonna wonder if there is something else….

you say it's your birthday?

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!!

shangri-la

Today was such a GOOD day. I FINALLY found my birthday dress. It was like it had been waiting for me this whole time…a 160 dollar dress marked down to 32…yes please!

I spent the rest of my day going through my closet for what seems like…the millionth time. I think I got about half my clothing on hangers…the other half can stay in a box, cause I don’t feel like I am going to use any of it anytime soon. I don’t know how it happened but I have more clothes than I could have EVER imagined…it’s my greatest dream come true!! It’s funny though, I have so many but wear the same stuff ALL THE TIME.

oh well.

In the midst of cleaning I stumbled upon some things I had forgotten about. Seeing his handwriting gave me the absolute creeps. For a whole minute I just stared, it was like the music stopped, I couldn’t feel anything but my heart beating…thud…thud…thud. I chose not to read it, I chose to not cry and get all upset. I knew exactly what was in my hand, and I chose to throw it away.

RELIEF.

Erin and I went to Smith’s when she got off work today. Thinking about posting a missed connection about the sexy employee with the ugly organ tattoo. I am pretty sure he thought we were stoned since A.) We were looking for magnets, B.) I kept saying “how do they work?” (apparently he hasn’t seen miracles yet…), and C.) That both Erin and I couldn’t stop laughing.  I am sure we both were sporting the most ridiculous shit eating grins…anyhow…he was hot. Why is Smith’s my new favorite place to pick up on the honeys?? YES PLEASE. 8th and 9th is the best…but 4th S is now running a close second…DANG IT!

I had a pretty awesome dinner made by my dear ERIN…so super good…and now I am so super sleepy.

This time next week, I won’t be able to sleep cause I will be leaving for Portland the next day…YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSs.

ONE WEEK!!!

forgive, don't forget.

I am to the point where I am counting down the seconds, until we leave for Portland on Friday.

It's making the days in between very long. I am just so anxious I can hardly stand it.

I realized today that..I can forgive, but I will never forget.

I feel so blessed to be able to put 24 behind me, and move forward with my GREAT life. I am really, not just saying that. My life is so awesome, I am so blessed. I seriously have the best network of friends a girl could ask for. My friends here in SLC, have shown me who I really am and I have finally been given the opportunity to live my life the way I have wanted to. My friends in Portland, remind me of who I was, and what I want to become.

I can't wait to spend some time with all of them together...MAGIC.

I also have the best job I could ask for. It has it's moments where it makes me want to go running for the hills...I feel like I have a real knack for it, and things can really ONLY get better.

Our work meeting today inspired me to keep pursuing my passion for AT&D...I just need to let it all happen naturally.

9 days...fuck yeah.

nothing & nowhere

Sometimes.
Actually.
All time.

sketch of your face, i still don't know you aren't permanent.

told me you loved me, that i'd never die alone.

Today.
I have this overwhelming sense of...
overwhelming feelings of every little emotion...
good...bad...sad...
lord, will any of this emotional turmoil end?
Everyone knows everyone.
There is no escaping.
I feel like I know, no one.
I don't want to know anyone.
no one gets that part of me.
it feels like it may be never again.
I just want to sink back into the wall.
silence.
even though my emotions overwhelm me...
numbness is the only thing I feel.
everything is contrived...

"i'm too young to feel this old."

you've got us lining up...line on line

You know when you are anticipating a trip, and it seems like time is literally creeping by. Any other time in your life...things zoom right by you at the speed of light. BUT. Whenever I am looking forward to an event or something...time creeeeeeps. It's so frustrating.

In 15 days, I will be surrounded by all the people in this world that I love so very dearly. I can't wait to see all of there shiny little faces. I can't wait to celebrate my 25th
birthday with them....

you've gotta be kidding me

I know I say this a lot, but my days off are truly my worst enemy. Here goes my mind...wandering in every corner of these four walls, this public information interweb isn't making things any better. Anything I want to know, I can find before I have time to snap my fingers. Damn.

integrity

Here it is people, I am about to get a little dramatic, and probably kinda pissed off.

If you even remotely care about someone, if you once called someone your closest friend...then WHY...would you hang out with the person that hurt your closest friend more than anything ever has in her life? The worst part is, you saw the hurt. FIRST HAND.

You started it. You made my world turn upside down. You told me. You know how I feel...where's the loyalty? Where's the integrity?

Give me a break..

Dear _________,

You know when you see pictures of people, and it makes your stomach literally fall on the floor?
Right now, I feel bad if I ever said anything bad about her. I didn't even know her. He always told me she was the crazy one, now I know that was just another lie. I am sure this girl is like any other girl, crazy in love with some dude who can't even wrap his tiny head around the idea. I don't think the things they did to each other were very sane on either of there parts, but sometimes we get provoked.

I never did. It's like every part of me shut down. I just wanted to go back. Back to before it all started. I saw all the signs. He took the doorknobs off her house...How could I ever think something like that was okay?

I know these things now...I know that I have to live with integrity. That it's never "okay" to sit by and watch someone else hurt someone. It's also not okay to allow someone to bad mouth another person, just in hopes to make there actions seem a little more "normal".

I'm not ever saying I will be friends with this girl. That would just be ridiculous. But..I am sorry to her. I am sure in a number of ways I hurt her, with out ever really knowing it. She probably once felt the same way I have been feeling.

Sorry.

roses

I'll be the first to say...I'm extremely tired. I don't know what my deal has been lately. BUT I AM ALL THE TIME SLEEEEEEEPY. Which is a nice switch from never being able to sleep at all. RIGHT?

I can't focus or something. I feel like my mind is moving at light speed and there is a million other things I want to focus on, besides the tasks at hand.

I am so beyond excited for my trip to Portland. I need to see my friends. I HAVE to see my family. My heart flutters every time I think about everyone's shining faces.

I am a little nervous. That small fear of the unknown scares me. I was always worried about who I was going to run into when I lived there, and now I am nervous of who I might run into now that I don't live there. I don't want to see a thing that reminds me of him. That's my CITY.

I'm taking her back. She may be a city of thorns, but I'm ready to prick my fingers on her thorns again. She was mine first....

lately, i've been wandering around looking for my up and down

Maybe there really is a light at the end of this seemingly dark tunnel. It seems I have been trying to make my way out of here, for ages. I just want to be able to see the end of all of it already. Patience.

It has gotten, easier. I feel like a million pounds of pain have been lifted off my shoulders. I am moving forward.

"that's why this heart of mine's a broken machine, that i cannot start, cause i lost the parts."

I am trying to fit all the pieces back together, where they used to be. But I am realizing I can't go back to where I was before. I'm different now. I see things differently.

"through the skin, first cut's the deepest. you made your mark and pulled away. with every move and all your features. i let you seep inside my veins."

I think you changed me forever. I knew you would, good or bad.

"but nothing goes the way you planned. it constantly is changed. we build walls for our own gain. i can't take the blame. i still find myself here waiting."

I can't be mad, or sad about any of it anymore. I can't get upset that other people experience a shared experience differently. I can't expect for anyone to feel the same way i do about a situation, that's what makes the situation for me unique. We all feel different things...

really? fuck this.

Wow, I just love when my brakes go out at a stoplight. AWESOME

Elliott Smith Say Yes

there won't be any morning's after

i'm not gonna do this. i am absolutely losing my cool, and it's kinda bullshit.

I keep reminding myself to remember to breathe. To no over think, to just live my life and do my own thing.

I am so better off on my own. My head has gotten way to complicated the last few days. I don't like feeling vulnerable. No one ever gets to control me again. Fuck that.

time

My mom said something interesting to me yesterday, or maybe it was the day before...anyways it's sticking...

she said, "Why he was he so great that he gets remembered so fondly?"

Good Question.

I don't think I remember him fondly, all the time. It's more that the memories almost haunt me at times.

I focus on other things as much as I can, but when I am in the most vulnerable moments it seems that he is there too. It sucks that most of my favorite memories from the last year, involve him. I can't shake that. As much as I try.

Last April seems like a million years ago. I wish I knew then what I know now...

seven days a week

The nightmares last night were unbelievable. Maybe it was cause I watched X Files before I went to bed?

My dreams seemed so real. He was there. He hated me more than ever.

I woke up this morning with my heart aching. My mind racing a million miles a minute.

I thought this lack of sleep thing was over...

circles

Hi. It's me. I wish you could see all these things I've been writing. I talk to you all the time, but you're not here. When I talk these days, you are always listening. I wish you could hear me.

I remember how I felt the first time you sat next to me. I felt little tingle things running up and down my body, I thought that I might stop breathing you made me feel so infinite. I remember how warm my hand felt in yours, how perfect it fit there...

Today it seemed everything reminded me of you. The nissan pick-up behind me at the stop light, the smell of gasoline at the gas station, the motorcycle the zoomed by me that looked just like yours. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to feel you next to me...I wanted to feel infinite again.

Lately I just don't feel anything at all...

I feel like I can't find my up and down, I'm so fucking lost...

the beginners

Disregard my post below this. I may have written that mildly under the influence last night. It's funny how your emotions get so heightened when your drinking. Sad becomes the saddest you have ever been, and mad becomes rage. Interesting.

I recognize it, and don't let it get the best of me when it starts happening.

cest la vie.

Today. Was harder than I could have ever imagined. In the scheme of things, it was considerably less painful than the feelings I have felt in the months leading up to this. The day held a certain tone of relief, with an underlying understanding that it's just okay for me to be sad right now. It's just...okay.

you fucked my shit up. i hate you so much, how could you do this to me???

the candle burned out

Today I am just floating. Barely connected to very much that is going on around me. I'm just going through my routine, but thinking about every other thing that I don't need to be thinking about.

How did you just cut me out?

How do I learn how to do that? I want to forget. I want to forget about you, the way that you have forgotten about me. It's like I never existed.

I don't get that.

How can you be a significant part of someone's life one day...and literally the next you just fade away. Sometimes I think, that I really must have done something wrong. I want to tell you that whatever I did, I'm sorry.

Except...I know I didn't do anything. That's what hurts the most.

tick tock

I knew these days would come. I've been trying not think about them. Trying to avoid the dates in mind. Precisely. Not over thinking.

They are here. They are becoming more difficult then I have ever imagined. It's like my heart is sinking back down, with the weight of all this pain in my chest. Memories, of how happy we were, are now fogged with the reality of the days before these. The months of suffering. The endless heartache. The breaking of my own heart.

I thought by now, you would have talked to me. You would have maybe been the slightest bit sorry. I know now, that I was always wrong about you. I didn't ever know you...so how did I ever love you?

Do you ever wish you could write someone a letter, and see there reaction when they got it? I just need to know that you cared about me...I need to know I wasn't dedicating my life to a lie..

serenity

It's funny that when things are good. I find myself with nothing to write about. Selfish of me, huh? It's almost like I am better at describing just how sad, sadness feels.

I have had quite a number of adventures here in SLC in the past few days.

I am starting to cherish my memories here, and actually really like this place.
It is nice to be a fly on the wall. No one knows me here, and I like it that way. I don't know them either, so I don't have any preconceived notions about anyone or anything. I am just enjoying myself, no worries about trying to impress anyone. It's all about me.

Finally.

SLC

This morning it is snowing in Salt Lake City. This is so surreal to me. I can't even believe it. Probably to people who have grown up here all there lives, this is nothing.

I am in the process of planning my big 25th birthday party in Portland. It looks like I will for sure be staying at the Jupiter Hotel...put your party pants on people!

I'm still afraid I am becoming bitter and jaded in terms of this break up stuff. I generally think all dudes are liars. Prove to me that statement isn't true and I'll write you a check for 1,000 dollars. But let's get real. You and I both know I am right. What kind of guy cheats on his girlfriend? A liar. What kind of guy moves in with a girl, and then doesn't come home for weeks? A liar. What kind of guy hangs out with a girl, and then go visits another girl in a another city? A liar. What the point guys? Who are you protecting? Just your own ridiculous insecurities? I mean that's what it boils down to, right? You need validation at every point, so you get it whenever you can. Never thinking of the consequence, or rather...never caring about the consequence. You're selfish, and insecure.

Let's talk about this guy I hung out with a few times recently. On face value, he seemed normal, even different than the loser brigade that I've been known to fall for. He was clean cut, and looked like the majority of his clothes may have come from abercrombie and fitch...(can you believe it...haha). I decided to give this kid the green light, take a chance on the norm. He worked at a record store that won't be named, so I assumed he would know something about music. MISTAKE # 1. This guy, didn't know dick about music, so much for working in a record store. Anyone who is into swollen members and bayside probably should find employment elsewhere, in my opinion at least. So I find this music piece out at the said record store, but I don't let it phase me. I'm trying to get away from my norm, and this swollen members super fan is definitely different than my status quo. The hangouts...that's right that's plural. As if I couldn't learn the first time that this guy just wanted to get in my pants, I went for round two. The first round doesn't really matter cause I'll tell you it was months before we hung out again. I figured it was just me, and I was still to hung up on my break up and this guy was subjected to my wrath in this way. We hang out again, and right from the door I can tell that this crazy SOB has that look in his eye. I'm talking strung out. LOCO. We go round and round about what to do for a few minutes, and then psycho abercrombie record boy informs me that he's snorted a bunch of xanax and just wants to lay down for a second. (winner city, i love these people aka they love me) Four hours later, I am shaking and hitting him screaming at him that he has to leave and to freaking wake up. He starts talking all this gibberish about a guy named chris, and proceeds to pass out in my bed now. I keep thinking to myself...is this a god damn joke!!! Long story short it took me about another hour to get rid of this creep, don't worry I promptly locked the door as soon as it hit his ass. This dude was crazy!!! For the last week he will call and tell me that he is by my house, or is coming over...yikes. Crazy can be kind of endearing, buy psychotic abercrombie record boy...I don't have an ounce of endearment in my heart for you.