told me you loved me, that i'd never die alone.

Today.
I have this overwhelming sense of...
overwhelming feelings of every little emotion...
good...bad...sad...
lord, will any of this emotional turmoil end?
Everyone knows everyone.
There is no escaping.
I feel like I know, no one.
I don't want to know anyone.
no one gets that part of me.
it feels like it may be never again.
I just want to sink back into the wall.
silence.
even though my emotions overwhelm me...
numbness is the only thing I feel.
everything is contrived...

"i'm too young to feel this old."

you've got us lining up...line on line

You know when you are anticipating a trip, and it seems like time is literally creeping by. Any other time in your life...things zoom right by you at the speed of light. BUT. Whenever I am looking forward to an event or something...time creeeeeeps. It's so frustrating.

In 15 days, I will be surrounded by all the people in this world that I love so very dearly. I can't wait to see all of there shiny little faces. I can't wait to celebrate my 25th
birthday with them....

you've gotta be kidding me

I know I say this a lot, but my days off are truly my worst enemy. Here goes my mind...wandering in every corner of these four walls, this public information interweb isn't making things any better. Anything I want to know, I can find before I have time to snap my fingers. Damn.

integrity

Here it is people, I am about to get a little dramatic, and probably kinda pissed off.

If you even remotely care about someone, if you once called someone your closest friend...then WHY...would you hang out with the person that hurt your closest friend more than anything ever has in her life? The worst part is, you saw the hurt. FIRST HAND.

You started it. You made my world turn upside down. You told me. You know how I feel...where's the loyalty? Where's the integrity?

Give me a break..

Dear _________,

You know when you see pictures of people, and it makes your stomach literally fall on the floor?
Right now, I feel bad if I ever said anything bad about her. I didn't even know her. He always told me she was the crazy one, now I know that was just another lie. I am sure this girl is like any other girl, crazy in love with some dude who can't even wrap his tiny head around the idea. I don't think the things they did to each other were very sane on either of there parts, but sometimes we get provoked.

I never did. It's like every part of me shut down. I just wanted to go back. Back to before it all started. I saw all the signs. He took the doorknobs off her house...How could I ever think something like that was okay?

I know these things now...I know that I have to live with integrity. That it's never "okay" to sit by and watch someone else hurt someone. It's also not okay to allow someone to bad mouth another person, just in hopes to make there actions seem a little more "normal".

I'm not ever saying I will be friends with this girl. That would just be ridiculous. But..I am sorry to her. I am sure in a number of ways I hurt her, with out ever really knowing it. She probably once felt the same way I have been feeling.

Sorry.

roses

I'll be the first to say...I'm extremely tired. I don't know what my deal has been lately. BUT I AM ALL THE TIME SLEEEEEEEPY. Which is a nice switch from never being able to sleep at all. RIGHT?

I can't focus or something. I feel like my mind is moving at light speed and there is a million other things I want to focus on, besides the tasks at hand.

I am so beyond excited for my trip to Portland. I need to see my friends. I HAVE to see my family. My heart flutters every time I think about everyone's shining faces.

I am a little nervous. That small fear of the unknown scares me. I was always worried about who I was going to run into when I lived there, and now I am nervous of who I might run into now that I don't live there. I don't want to see a thing that reminds me of him. That's my CITY.

I'm taking her back. She may be a city of thorns, but I'm ready to prick my fingers on her thorns again. She was mine first....

lately, i've been wandering around looking for my up and down

Maybe there really is a light at the end of this seemingly dark tunnel. It seems I have been trying to make my way out of here, for ages. I just want to be able to see the end of all of it already. Patience.

It has gotten, easier. I feel like a million pounds of pain have been lifted off my shoulders. I am moving forward.

"that's why this heart of mine's a broken machine, that i cannot start, cause i lost the parts."

I am trying to fit all the pieces back together, where they used to be. But I am realizing I can't go back to where I was before. I'm different now. I see things differently.

"through the skin, first cut's the deepest. you made your mark and pulled away. with every move and all your features. i let you seep inside my veins."

I think you changed me forever. I knew you would, good or bad.

"but nothing goes the way you planned. it constantly is changed. we build walls for our own gain. i can't take the blame. i still find myself here waiting."

I can't be mad, or sad about any of it anymore. I can't get upset that other people experience a shared experience differently. I can't expect for anyone to feel the same way i do about a situation, that's what makes the situation for me unique. We all feel different things...

really? fuck this.

Wow, I just love when my brakes go out at a stoplight. AWESOME

Elliott Smith Say Yes

there won't be any morning's after

i'm not gonna do this. i am absolutely losing my cool, and it's kinda bullshit.

I keep reminding myself to remember to breathe. To no over think, to just live my life and do my own thing.

I am so better off on my own. My head has gotten way to complicated the last few days. I don't like feeling vulnerable. No one ever gets to control me again. Fuck that.

time

My mom said something interesting to me yesterday, or maybe it was the day before...anyways it's sticking...

she said, "Why he was he so great that he gets remembered so fondly?"

Good Question.

I don't think I remember him fondly, all the time. It's more that the memories almost haunt me at times.

I focus on other things as much as I can, but when I am in the most vulnerable moments it seems that he is there too. It sucks that most of my favorite memories from the last year, involve him. I can't shake that. As much as I try.

Last April seems like a million years ago. I wish I knew then what I know now...

seven days a week

The nightmares last night were unbelievable. Maybe it was cause I watched X Files before I went to bed?

My dreams seemed so real. He was there. He hated me more than ever.

I woke up this morning with my heart aching. My mind racing a million miles a minute.

I thought this lack of sleep thing was over...

circles

Hi. It's me. I wish you could see all these things I've been writing. I talk to you all the time, but you're not here. When I talk these days, you are always listening. I wish you could hear me.

I remember how I felt the first time you sat next to me. I felt little tingle things running up and down my body, I thought that I might stop breathing you made me feel so infinite. I remember how warm my hand felt in yours, how perfect it fit there...

Today it seemed everything reminded me of you. The nissan pick-up behind me at the stop light, the smell of gasoline at the gas station, the motorcycle the zoomed by me that looked just like yours. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to feel you next to me...I wanted to feel infinite again.

Lately I just don't feel anything at all...

I feel like I can't find my up and down, I'm so fucking lost...

the beginners

Disregard my post below this. I may have written that mildly under the influence last night. It's funny how your emotions get so heightened when your drinking. Sad becomes the saddest you have ever been, and mad becomes rage. Interesting.

I recognize it, and don't let it get the best of me when it starts happening.

cest la vie.

Today. Was harder than I could have ever imagined. In the scheme of things, it was considerably less painful than the feelings I have felt in the months leading up to this. The day held a certain tone of relief, with an underlying understanding that it's just okay for me to be sad right now. It's just...okay.

you fucked my shit up. i hate you so much, how could you do this to me???

the candle burned out

Today I am just floating. Barely connected to very much that is going on around me. I'm just going through my routine, but thinking about every other thing that I don't need to be thinking about.

How did you just cut me out?

How do I learn how to do that? I want to forget. I want to forget about you, the way that you have forgotten about me. It's like I never existed.

I don't get that.

How can you be a significant part of someone's life one day...and literally the next you just fade away. Sometimes I think, that I really must have done something wrong. I want to tell you that whatever I did, I'm sorry.

Except...I know I didn't do anything. That's what hurts the most.

tick tock

I knew these days would come. I've been trying not think about them. Trying to avoid the dates in mind. Precisely. Not over thinking.

They are here. They are becoming more difficult then I have ever imagined. It's like my heart is sinking back down, with the weight of all this pain in my chest. Memories, of how happy we were, are now fogged with the reality of the days before these. The months of suffering. The endless heartache. The breaking of my own heart.

I thought by now, you would have talked to me. You would have maybe been the slightest bit sorry. I know now, that I was always wrong about you. I didn't ever know you...so how did I ever love you?

Do you ever wish you could write someone a letter, and see there reaction when they got it? I just need to know that you cared about me...I need to know I wasn't dedicating my life to a lie..

serenity

It's funny that when things are good. I find myself with nothing to write about. Selfish of me, huh? It's almost like I am better at describing just how sad, sadness feels.

I have had quite a number of adventures here in SLC in the past few days.

I am starting to cherish my memories here, and actually really like this place.
It is nice to be a fly on the wall. No one knows me here, and I like it that way. I don't know them either, so I don't have any preconceived notions about anyone or anything. I am just enjoying myself, no worries about trying to impress anyone. It's all about me.

Finally.