Exisentialism

One second.
One minute.
One hour.
A Day.

I've slept pretty soundly the last couple nights. Waking up frequently to the panic. To my heart racing. Waking from a dream of him. I guess nightmares shouldn't really be called dreams. Sometimes, he still loves me in them. Sometimes they are mere recollections of the way things were.

"oh to have you than to lose you, makes me wish I'd never been born."

Remember?

It's weird to feel forgotten. To try to forget all the things that someone else has cast from there mind. Where did we begin? How did it all come to an end?

Who's fault is it? Or is anyone ever really at fault at all?

Is there a lesson in all of this, do the clouds clear and everything just "makes sense"?

I doubt it. I'm still here. Still recollecting, pondering, longing, waiting...waiting. Always waiting.

Sometimes when the sadness is too much, I hold myself really tightly and think about you telling me that "everything is going to work out, and I don't need to worry."

Nothing worked out. I should have never stopped worrying.

The ghost of us, it haunts me. It lingers in my footsteps. I can hear you, I always hear you.

Everything has changed.
I am changing.
I am turning into someone who is jaded.
How could I let myself be so vulnerable.
How did I let myself fall in love?
I should have been smarter.
I should have worried.
I should have known.
You lied.
You hurt me.
You said you never would.
You never wanted to hurt me.
Than why did you continue?
How could you crush me like this?

We never existed. It was all a lie.