Anthems for a Twenty Eight Year Old Girl

Tonight, I felt the endless pull to get in my car and just drive. Life had been uniquely wonderful lately, and I wanted to have a moment with myself. I plugged in my IPOD, placed it on shuffle and began to drive.

The night was perfectly clear, I felt like I was the only car on the road. I was deep in thought. My mind was going it's various forms of obsessive compulsive anxiety, cataloging the good and the bad of my day, my normal nightly routine. I paused at the light turned red, and told myself...I can't.

What's the point of this? Earlier in the day, I was just speaking of about living in the present moment with full awareness.

 So, I focused my hands on the wheel and starred with anticipation at the red light. I instantly, heard the repetitive clap and guitar strum of a song I knew all to well. And while I desperately tried to focus on the present moment, I know it was Her reminding me to do so. It was her little way of telling me, "you are here now". It was her way of being a little more grown up than me like she always had been. She always made me feel grounded, she always had a fresh perspective and tenacity for life. As the light turned green, I smiled. I focused on the words, the message in the song. I had put this song on a mix I made for all of her friends in her memory, and I couldn't believe as I now listened to the lyrics...that it was every bit her...

Call of forgivenessI'm like the beat of the hurtI'm not the only oneYou tried to save when you fell out

Call of forgivenessI'm like the clean in the dirtI'm not the only oneYou tried to crave when you fell out

Try, waitYou made your life on everythingHard, madeYou made your life on everything

Try, waitYou made your life on everythingLong, fadeYou made your life on everything

Call of forgivenessI'm like the heal of the hurtI'm like the only oneYou tried to save when you fell out

Call of forgivenessI'm like the queen of the dirtI'm like the only oneWho tried to stay when you fell out

It's like the common lawWas wall to wall and almost fadedI've seen the gone to smallThe lost of law, the almost made itIt seems like mine to shineYou'll always find the lonely ray

It's like the wall to fall, the fall of allThe laws are gradedI've seen the lies that callThe pictures tall, the lines are made inIt's like the fight to crawlMy darling, all you've lived your age

I know it's all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, the all to all the ultimatum

I know it's all to all, all to all ultimatumJust like the all to all, all to all ultimatumIt's like the all to all, the all to all the ultimatum

You made your life on everythingYou made your life on everything

I knew she was sending me a message, and I was so thankful that she was still communicating with me. Losing her light, was scary at first, but after she left I realized that she had a light that would never go out. I remember the promises I had made when she left us, and I gripped the steering wheel tighter as my eyes began to well up. As I drove I was making my own "call of forgiveness" as I continued to play the song on repeat. I need to live this moment, I needed to become more aware. I had promises that I intended to keep, to always live my best life, and to live with the same fire and youth that Dani always did.

My darling Dani, you made your life on everything. I love when you come to me, when I need you most.

I continued my night drive ritual, and lived the moment. I remembered my sweet angel, who lit up my life....thank you for always being a beacon...shine bright xo