Why can't I see the good things I have? Why do I spend every spare moment looking in the rearview mirror? I can't change what has happened. Even if I try really hard. Everyone knows, when something comes to an end..there's no going back.
Yet, my heart still aches. I literally always have this knot in my throat. One mention of it, and that's it. I'm losing it. It's been 2 months. I feel like I'm worst of than I was in the beginning.
Before, I was denying everything. Hanging on to the hopes that something would give. Now, reality has settled. I know now, that nothing could change the course of the way things are going. I think that hurts more than anything. I can't change it. It's happening. It's all really happening.
How can you still love someone, when they've let you go?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
top of the teton
Way up here, I feel this huge release coming over me. I feel like I can just let my emotions over flow, way up here. Can you hear me?
LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN.
It's still as if the weight hasn't been lifted off my chest.
Way up here.
I tried to let it go.
Tried to leave it all behind.
I'm learning I can't do that. I carry this weight with me. Letting some pieces fall away everyday. I'm dying to let this go.
let me go.
LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN.
It's still as if the weight hasn't been lifted off my chest.
Way up here.
I tried to let it go.
Tried to leave it all behind.
I'm learning I can't do that. I carry this weight with me. Letting some pieces fall away everyday. I'm dying to let this go.
let me go.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
rowboat left in the rain
I feel like this enormous weight has been lifted off of my shoulder. I think I am finally in a place, where I can stop, think, and move forward. My life is truly about me at this point, and all the birdies chirping in the world couldn't stop that. I have to remember that my problems are 900 miles away, and I don't have to carry the baggage of them behind me at every cost. I am blessed enough to be in this place. This place where no one knows too much of the story. Enough where I can truly begin to move on.
I think the hardest part has been realizing the truth about things. It's like I have said in previous posts, you can never plan for you life to be completely thrown of course. And who's to say I was even on the right course to begin with? I know that everyday I am learning. I am learning that losing someone, and something you love...isn't easy. You can't plan for it, you can't expect it, it sometimes comes without warning and really catches you completely off guard. Sometimes we have to go into survival mode. Cutting off everything and everyone that reminds us of the hurt. Dwelling in ourselves, slowly but surely putting together the reality of the puzzle. It's all about what happens as we slowly piece the pieces together. What we let back in, who we let back in, and at what cost?
I am by no means alleging that tomorrow I will wake up and it'll be like that opening scene in Snow White. No, No, No. There are many more tough day's and night's in my future. I think the first step to healing, is realizing this. Accepting it. Knowing what makes me weak, trying not to trigger it. Limiting my reflection time, to a smaller and smaller part of my day when applicable.
I have to remember myself first. He is not thinking of me, with every move he makes. Delicately not trying to step on any toes, ruffle any feathers that make me look "crazy". I have to remember who I was before all of this. What made him so attracted to me...what made us fall apart...what made me move away...and how this was the impending doom all along.
I didn't want it. I didn't want that lifestyle anymore. I loved him enough to know I had to leave him there in Portland, I didn't think of him first then...because I loved myself more to know I had to go.
It's funny how love gets things all complicated. How reality gets foggy somewhere in between. I came here for a purpose. My journey just got thrown a little off path. I will always recognize the love I have in my heart for him. He filled me with so much joy, when things felt so uncertain. There's no use dwelling on the he said she said stories that came falling at my feet in the end. I can't ever prove the truth. I can't ever hate what I don't know. So what's the point of knowing anyhow? I know what we had, and I know that it's time to move on from that.
If I can be somehow grateful for having my heartbroken into a thousand tiny pieces, I guess right now I am. As much as it hurts. As much as I feel like I am grieving a death of a part of me..I am grateful. I am grateful to know that this feeling can't last forever. That love is alive in real in the world, because I had the pleasure of feeling it.
I think the hardest part has been realizing the truth about things. It's like I have said in previous posts, you can never plan for you life to be completely thrown of course. And who's to say I was even on the right course to begin with? I know that everyday I am learning. I am learning that losing someone, and something you love...isn't easy. You can't plan for it, you can't expect it, it sometimes comes without warning and really catches you completely off guard. Sometimes we have to go into survival mode. Cutting off everything and everyone that reminds us of the hurt. Dwelling in ourselves, slowly but surely putting together the reality of the puzzle. It's all about what happens as we slowly piece the pieces together. What we let back in, who we let back in, and at what cost?
I am by no means alleging that tomorrow I will wake up and it'll be like that opening scene in Snow White. No, No, No. There are many more tough day's and night's in my future. I think the first step to healing, is realizing this. Accepting it. Knowing what makes me weak, trying not to trigger it. Limiting my reflection time, to a smaller and smaller part of my day when applicable.
I have to remember myself first. He is not thinking of me, with every move he makes. Delicately not trying to step on any toes, ruffle any feathers that make me look "crazy". I have to remember who I was before all of this. What made him so attracted to me...what made us fall apart...what made me move away...and how this was the impending doom all along.
I didn't want it. I didn't want that lifestyle anymore. I loved him enough to know I had to leave him there in Portland, I didn't think of him first then...because I loved myself more to know I had to go.
It's funny how love gets things all complicated. How reality gets foggy somewhere in between. I came here for a purpose. My journey just got thrown a little off path. I will always recognize the love I have in my heart for him. He filled me with so much joy, when things felt so uncertain. There's no use dwelling on the he said she said stories that came falling at my feet in the end. I can't ever prove the truth. I can't ever hate what I don't know. So what's the point of knowing anyhow? I know what we had, and I know that it's time to move on from that.
If I can be somehow grateful for having my heartbroken into a thousand tiny pieces, I guess right now I am. As much as it hurts. As much as I feel like I am grieving a death of a part of me..I am grateful. I am grateful to know that this feeling can't last forever. That love is alive in real in the world, because I had the pleasure of feeling it.
the candle burned out
I work. I get back to this place. To these walls. To this darkness. My arms hang heavy, my heart hangs heavier. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of here. I thought I was getting better. Than, for whatever reason this last week hit me like a ton of bricks.
I feel that urge again. To run away. But there's nothing to run away from here. I've got it the best I've ever had it. My career is taking off. But these feelings inside me, are causing me turmoil. I can feel that constant knot in my throat. I can't even talk about it without choking up.
I just want to run...
the farthest away I can get. Where no one knows. Where I can start over. Just like I wanted to before. You kept your grip so tight on me. I learned to love you without boundaries. With endless devotion. I've never loved so deeply. I never wanted to spend my life with someone. You were that first for me.
I never want to let those feelings go.
bah...time to rethink. time to let go. time to let the candle finally burn out. i could keep it lit for you...but you snuffed me out months ago.
I feel that urge again. To run away. But there's nothing to run away from here. I've got it the best I've ever had it. My career is taking off. But these feelings inside me, are causing me turmoil. I can feel that constant knot in my throat. I can't even talk about it without choking up.
I just want to run...
the farthest away I can get. Where no one knows. Where I can start over. Just like I wanted to before. You kept your grip so tight on me. I learned to love you without boundaries. With endless devotion. I've never loved so deeply. I never wanted to spend my life with someone. You were that first for me.
I never want to let those feelings go.
bah...time to rethink. time to let go. time to let the candle finally burn out. i could keep it lit for you...but you snuffed me out months ago.
Monday, March 1, 2010
holding on for dear life
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to move on from all of this. It would be a spit in the face of the truth. Everyday, I wish I could get up and feel different, be different. Wake up and not be panicing from the nightmares that taunted me through the night. Wake up, and forget he ever existed. Forget we ever existed.
Why don't memory erasers exist? I'd just like a temporary cleanslate. It's almost been 2 months, and I still can't forget. Can't forget how much I love him. How much I wish I could mend whatever is broken.
Or at least mend what is broken with in me now.
I can't even think, or look at someone else. Maybe for a second I entertain the idea, and then the tears and the tightness in my chest sets in. It builds up, it pours out.
I am letting him rule my every step. He is still everywhere to me here. I can't imagine what this would feel like if I was actually home. In our home. In our city. In the place where we created everything together.
I can smell him in that car. There's no escaping him from day to day. He's there. I can hear him reminding me to get the oil changed...I can feel him in my veins.
Is it normal to be this obsessed? I mean is that what I am? Is this how hard it is to get over a broken heart?
at the end of the day, i really know he has let me go...and the worst part...i'm still holding on for dear life.
Why don't memory erasers exist? I'd just like a temporary cleanslate. It's almost been 2 months, and I still can't forget. Can't forget how much I love him. How much I wish I could mend whatever is broken.
Or at least mend what is broken with in me now.
I can't even think, or look at someone else. Maybe for a second I entertain the idea, and then the tears and the tightness in my chest sets in. It builds up, it pours out.
I am letting him rule my every step. He is still everywhere to me here. I can't imagine what this would feel like if I was actually home. In our home. In our city. In the place where we created everything together.
I can smell him in that car. There's no escaping him from day to day. He's there. I can hear him reminding me to get the oil changed...I can feel him in my veins.
Is it normal to be this obsessed? I mean is that what I am? Is this how hard it is to get over a broken heart?
at the end of the day, i really know he has let me go...and the worst part...i'm still holding on for dear life.
a heartbreaking work
All this heartbreak, as got to end soon. I keep waiting for the moment, for the second. All those moments and seconds I'm enveloped in this sorrow. It's interfering with me living my life...I never realized what a huge part of me you were, until you walked away. Until you gave up on me...
How do you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone one day, and never want to talk to them the next? Where's the rationalization behind that? How is the other person supposed to cope? How the hell do I deal with that??
I want to go back...back to where we were. Back to my dreams for now...you still love me there.
How do you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone one day, and never want to talk to them the next? Where's the rationalization behind that? How is the other person supposed to cope? How the hell do I deal with that??
I want to go back...back to where we were. Back to my dreams for now...you still love me there.
i cant dooo it
I can't sleep at night, I'm thinking of you
And when you're away, I'm so blue
I'm thinking of you
I'll laugh my eyes out, I'll feel the rhythm
I'll pretend you're the reason
To make anything and everything that is scented blossom
I'll run my fingers through your hair until your eyes blink out
All night long I layed in the grass
And listened with headphones to the saddest songs
It was a spiral of a night
You were spread out across the sky
The way you skinned your knees chasing cars
They're taking you away
I'll laugh my eyes out, I'll feel the rhythm
I'll pretend you're the reason
To make anything and everything that is scented blossom
I'll run my fingers through your hair
Until your eyes blink out
And when you're away, I'm so blue
I'm thinking of you
I'll laugh my eyes out, I'll feel the rhythm
I'll pretend you're the reason
To make anything and everything that is scented blossom
I'll run my fingers through your hair until your eyes blink out
All night long I layed in the grass
And listened with headphones to the saddest songs
It was a spiral of a night
You were spread out across the sky
The way you skinned your knees chasing cars
They're taking you away
I'll laugh my eyes out, I'll feel the rhythm
I'll pretend you're the reason
To make anything and everything that is scented blossom
I'll run my fingers through your hair
Until your eyes blink out
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