babe.

I totally regret emailing him, and calling him.
What was I thinking?
I guess for a second I thought we could be normal again.
I still know I didn't do anything wrong.
So I guess...
That's the worst part.
Living with the pain of something, that doesn't quite make sense.
Most days I find a way to hate him.
Find away to cast him out of my mind.
My heart still aches. My emotions still on the verge..

Oh. Remember that it's over.
I have these great friends who want to build me up.
I've got to start tearing down these walls.

control

I feel so free. I feel like I can finally start living my life all over again. It's liberating. It's done. We're over. I know this all now in my mind, and I feel it in my heart. I still think about it, and it's still gonna make me sad and anxious. But it's freeing.

I really do feel like I am moving on. I have so much to live for, and I've been wasting all my time worrying about you.
Not anymore DUDE.

bye.

Now you are moving.
I guess this means I can come home.
I don't have to be scared that I might run into you anymore.
Or worry that you think it was intentional.

There is no odor so bad as that which arises from goodness tainted.

Today was supposed to be my first therapy session with my new therapist.
I didn't go.
For a moment, I felt like...I'm fine.
I'm just over reacting, and I don't really need to "talk" to anyone.
The day seemed fine.
I was distracted.
Happy.
For a moment.
Something shifted this evening, and now I am really regretful. I should have gone. I am not okay. I can't do this on my own. I miss him. I miss him more than words can describe.

Exisentialism

One second.
One minute.
One hour.
A Day.

I've slept pretty soundly the last couple nights. Waking up frequently to the panic. To my heart racing. Waking from a dream of him. I guess nightmares shouldn't really be called dreams. Sometimes, he still loves me in them. Sometimes they are mere recollections of the way things were.

"oh to have you than to lose you, makes me wish I'd never been born."

Remember?

It's weird to feel forgotten. To try to forget all the things that someone else has cast from there mind. Where did we begin? How did it all come to an end?

Who's fault is it? Or is anyone ever really at fault at all?

Is there a lesson in all of this, do the clouds clear and everything just "makes sense"?

I doubt it. I'm still here. Still recollecting, pondering, longing, waiting...waiting. Always waiting.

Sometimes when the sadness is too much, I hold myself really tightly and think about you telling me that "everything is going to work out, and I don't need to worry."

Nothing worked out. I should have never stopped worrying.

The ghost of us, it haunts me. It lingers in my footsteps. I can hear you, I always hear you.

Everything has changed.
I am changing.
I am turning into someone who is jaded.
How could I let myself be so vulnerable.
How did I let myself fall in love?
I should have been smarter.
I should have worried.
I should have known.
You lied.
You hurt me.
You said you never would.
You never wanted to hurt me.
Than why did you continue?
How could you crush me like this?

We never existed. It was all a lie.

mess me up.

How does it begin?
It knocks the wind out of you.
For the moment, you're floating through the air.
As long as it can last.
That feeling, feels so good.
It's love.
Easily you become addicted.
Craving it.
Tasting it on your lips.
Feeling it radiating through your fingertips.
It's true love.
Forever.
He is your mirror image.
Whatever is in your hearts.
You two's are the same.
The mirror breaks.
The image fades.
Nothing is ever as it seems.

dreaming is easy when you're dying

The last couple nights, I have actually got a decent night's sleep. I still wake up every few hours and have little mini freak outs, where my heart starts racing and my mind starts racing even faster.
It's hard not to think about things. It's hard to not look so far back in the rear view mirror.
This morning, I kept thinking about that beach trip.
I'm starting to remember the bad things.
Unfortunately I can't remember the time frames.

I miss laying on the couch together.
I miss getting growlers at hopworks.
I miss going on drives.
I miss the ocean.
I miss the ocean with you.
I miss the color of your eyes, the deepness of our stares.

Most of all I miss me, can I have her back?
She said she wants to come home.