i never wanted to be a sailors wife,

to be a truckers wife

to be left behind…

 

but you did it anyways

Dear Sailor, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Sometimes, I wish you could read what I have been writing. I wish you could see how much better I am doing, how much I finally know who I am. I am so thankful for the time I got to share with you, and I am so thankful for the way things unfolded. If you would have never let me go, I may not have discovered the world on my own.

It’s hard to think that I may never hear from you again, but I understand. I finally do.

hey unfaithful

I know we all experience heartache differently. That’s definitely something I have experienced and learned in the last year. I do not however understand, manifesting things in your head only to perpetuate your own heart ache. You can only go off what is actually reality and fact, and not what you think may or may not be true. It’s not worth the anguish it does to your heart. IS IT?

The experience that I had with having my heartbroken earlier this year, was one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life. I am not done going through it yet either. I know it seems that on the surface I am better, I really am. But deep down inside, I still get really sad about it. This makes it hard for me to talk to other people about there breakups, especially when there’s aren’t nearly as hard to stomach as my own.

You are lucky, and yes your heart hurts. But unfortunately it hurts mine to talk about it. I just can’t, I’m not ready.

two roads diverged

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

A fork in the road, two paths. One is the same path I have been travelling down for years, caught up in the fixation of the glamour of if all. The other is new, uncharted. The path this unknown, who knows where I may end up on it. I think I have known for the last year, that I can’t continue on, doing what I have been doing. It’s lost it’s luster.

“I doubted if I should ever come back…”

fix what’s broken

i love ya…i know i always will.

keep it.

I keep reminding myself to stay focused up. To stay grounded, to remember that I can DO THIS!

STAY STRONG KELLIANA.

I keep trying to figure out what I am doing here…but I am realizing that if I had the answer, maybe everything that happens wouldn’t be so frustrating. If I had all the answers, well hey life would be so boring.

I know that I am being set up for something bigger, that everything that has transpired in the last year, is for a reason bigger than I can even imagine right now.

I could have kept on doing things the way I always had been. I could have stayed in Portland, and just kept going through the motions of my life. Instead I took a risk, I traded in everything to be here. I took this opportunity to start my life over. To become something that I knew I had been in my heart, for a long time. To prove myself. TO TAKE RISKS.

In this moment. I wish I could start over again. I’m not ready to face the problems of today or tomorrow. I don’t want to be a failure at the one thing that I feel like in this life I am good at, and for a second I felt I had any control over.

Is this my wake up call? Is this my call to arms?

I feel like this is the millionth time I have asked myself this question in the last year, where do I go from here? I think I have to stop pretending. I am not okay. I haven’t been for a very long time. I think where I go is a place where I forgive myself…where I let go…where I look up, and see the light. Stay grounded, and remember not do anything irrational.

i’ve seen enough of my friends, in the depths of the god sick blues..

I have laid in my room with the lights off for the last 2 days. I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness. I think I have finally figured it out.

I by no means regret coming to SLC. In fact, I think in a lot of ways the moved saved me from longer term heartache and regret. It opened my eyes to all new possibilities, unfortunately now it just reminds me of the worst year of my life, and I am ready to put this city behind me.

Where to go from here?

Do I just leave my job, and say screw it? Should I put my heart in the hands of God, and tell him to do what he will with me. At one point I thought I had everything all figured out, and now I just feel really confused.

I can still feel that constant knot in my throat, you know the one you feel when you are trying to hold back every ounce of emotion that wants to fall out of you mouth?

I don’t miss him like I used to. I still want to forget everything. No one replaces him, probably because I won’t let them.

I need to remember that I am focusing on me…

REMEMBER